“Trust me, I’m a doctor. You only need a scarf.”

Solving problems with biotechnology is easy.

Since all these podcasts are out talking about CRISPR and describing how exciting it’s making biotechnology nowadays, there’s been some popular discussion about how our newfound bioengineering capabilities actually raise a series of ethical considerations. But I, for one, am engorged with excitement at the potential applications of our impending godlike biotechnology powers. Let me run a few ideas past you. If you know of any biotech startup founders who want to give me 10% equity for the privilege of having been given a multibillion dollar idea by yours truly, please send them my way.

  1. Scrash (TM)

The single worst thing about being itchy is that the only thing you want to do is scratch the itch, and the only thing you’re supposed to do is NOT scratch the itch. Sometimes you have other creams and steroids you’re supposed to apply, but in any case, scratching that itch is decidedly off the table.

But now you can forget all that with the new SCRASH (TM)! For a monthly subscription of $19.99, we’ll send you a vial of Scrash every month. Just splash Scrash anywhere you want on your skin, and it’ll induce a rash — that you’re supposed to scratch! Imagine how satisfying it’ll be to have a raging itch — that you get to scratch with impunity! In fact, if you DON’T scratch it, it’ll never go away. Happy itching!

2. Autism Virus

There’s been a lot of righteous hullabaloo about so-called “anti-vaxxers” who believe that they are not obligated to vaccinate their children, and that, in fact, vaccinating their children will increase the risk of their children contracting autism. The moral hullabaloo seems to be about the fact that these anti-vaxxers are threatening the herd immunity that is granted by a high vaccination rate, and in fact have caused an uptick in diseases that were supposed to be controlled. On the other side of the debate is the fact that anti-vaxxers are not dumb, they are simply trying to do what’s best for them and their kids. Even if herd immunity is real, is there really a moral obligation to put your own child at risk for the sake of an abstract whole?

I think the answer is straightforward. If we develop and release a virus that literally causes autism into the wild, then the rational thing for everyone to do would be to get vaccinated for the autism virus. And while the anti-vaxxers are getting their kids vaccinated for the autism virus, they might as well get vaccinated for measles and mumps, too. Sure, we might induce autism in a few hundred or thousand or ten thousand kids, but the end result is that everyone gets their vaccinations. It’ll be for the greater good.

3. Gut Microbiome Diversity Toilets

When dentists discovered the benefits of fluorine on cavity prevention, they convinced the government to put it in all of our tap water. As a result, we’ve reduced the cavity occurrence in children, though at the cost of depleting their brainpower and sapping all their strength.

Similarly, we are finding out more and more how important our gut microbiome is. The functions of your nervous system are intricately tied to your gut microbiome. However, how does one improve our gut microflora? If we’re missing a particular species of bacteria, how do we get it? Eating Chobani only goes so far!

Introducing — the Gut Microbiome Diversity Toilet. It’s a public toilet that allows everyone to share gut microbiomes with each other, and allow the most robust gut flora to proliferate in everyones guts! Rather than just having a hole in the middle of the toilet seat, the patented Gut Microbiome Diversity Toilet seat has a soft, comfortable, and flexible 6-inch protrusion that you sit on. The middle of this protrusion still has a hole, allowing efficient evacuation, but the outer layers of the protrusion will gather a culture of your gut microflora, as well as allow transmission of previous users’ gut microflora into your gut ecosystem, creating a Economic Free Trade Zone of gut bacteria! As they say, sharing is caring.

I have tons of other ideas too. Blood babies, sunscreen sweat, you name it. Biotech VCs, hmu.