Choice.

Jaclyn Cayetano
Nov 1 · 3 min read

Choose your own adventure!

Abstinence. For someone who loves sex, being without it by choice for over 24 months is revelatory. The other day, I had a longing for the warmth, around and inside me, of another that I ended up literally crying out of frustration because I wanted the kind of sex that I experienced with the last person I’d have been with (a man whose name means “peaceful ruler”). Let me be clear, I never dated this person. I barely have any information about him but with him, I sensed a familiarity. I was reminded from a deep memory of the past (perhaps a past life), of how great sex truly feels and that if it were the last that I have of it in this lifetime, then that experience was enough. I don’t feel the need to seek from another just to prove that I can re-create the feeling because I know I won’t. I may seem stuck but I say it’s just that the standard for the quality of sex is set and I will accept no less.

Chasing and Chances. I admit that for a brief moment, I entertained the possibility of pursuing a body-mind-soul connection with that person. I could’ve chosen to say what I feel but my soul sensed a foreboding so I didn’t take the chance. Shortly thereafter, I went through tremendous upheaval that had I chased the possibility of a holistic connection, I would’ve subjected such a precious wish to the horrors of reality that I feared, it would not be able to withstand.

I don’t like small talk. I want to hear about your childhood, your favorite scents, what type of music you like, what food gives you comfort, where you want live when you grow old, what keeps you up at night, how much certain things mean to you. I want to know about your insecurities and your fears. I don’t want to just know, “what’s up.”.

Single (but not dating). The quandary is: You meet someone mentally interesting enough for you to wonder what sex would be like, only to discover that you don’t have chemistry. Or you have sexual chemistry with someone but absolutely no mental connection. Or maybe you’re fortunate enough to have a mental and sexual connection with someone, only to realize later on that there’s no depth, no soul between you.

I may very well be one of the very few people who would prefer to build from a deep friendship and then seriously consider transforming it into that love-of-a-lifetime, eventually.

Connection. A lot of people would say that there’s no such thing as a body-mind-soul connection with just one person. Yes, there is. It exists. That holistic connection should start with you. You’d know how it feels so you’d recognize its signature on anyone because it exists within you.

I feel that if you can’t be fully present in a relationship, then you shouldn’t be in one. When I say “present”, I speak of unconditional love from the you that is whole and this empowers you to give love without expectations and without attachment to an outcome. At the very least, being “present” in a partnership is to give as much as you would want to receive.

My choice is wu-wei. No force, just flow. This approach allows me to reach a state of aloneness wherein you are whole on your own and bouts of loneliness is the soul’s way of initiating a connection in order to learn through limitations and emotions. The choice to act is yours to make…And then you say, “It’s Adventure Time!”.

Jaclyn Cayetano

Written by

Like an open journal, I write for myself - for therapy, catharsis and sanity. IG: @jaclyncayetano

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade