Confidence (or lack thereof)

I’ve often struggled with the daunting task of filling a page with meaningful words. I used to think that I was afraid of the blank page, as it turns out, I have a confidence issue.

When I first sit down to hammer out a piece, writing seems like an easy enough task. I think, write, edit a little…and then — viola! The piece is finished. Only, it’s not that simple.

It’s more like this: I start to write and then the realization of what I’m doing sets in. I start to question myself. Panic ensues.

What the hell do I write? Will it even be any good? Does anyone even care?

These are the questions that spring up in my mind. They become distractions, diverting my energy to justifying what/why I’m writing rather than putting words on the page.

I become too self-conscious, which regrettably leads to my eventual demise. I delete everything and suddenly find myself back at square one. Staring at a blank page once again.

I’ve just recently learned that it’s my confidence, or lack thereof that truly prevents me from putting fingers to keys — not a blank page. In the same way that my self-inflicted curse haunts me, low self-esteem hovers close behind. They’re bullies and I let them bully me.

In some ways it’s easier to let them. It’s easier to just give up. It sounds horrible, but in all honesty it is easier. But I don’t want to be the victim anymore.

At this point I’m trying to relearn everything. I’m rediscovering how to form sentences, create imagery and explain myself in a way that’s entirely me. Tackling my self-confidence problem is a major part of getting back to where I was.

Now that I know what I’m up against it’s easier to face. I know what I have to push through. Writing is a structural pillar to who I am. Without it I feel lost. I’m tired of feeling that way.

~ j.k.