I Am Imperfect

I’ve done a lot of growing.

A photo from my first venture into film photography. I think it suits the topic of this essay perfectly. Almost too perfectly.

Over the past year I’ve had a lot of time to myself. For the first time in a long time I let my mind wander. I let myself frolic in good memories and even fight the darkest parts of my brain.

During this time of self-exploration, I realized something about myself. I have a lot of faults. (I know, shocking right?) I’ve come to the realization that I’m not perfect. (Even more shocking.) I am imperfect. And, this year, I’ve had to deal with the negative things about my personality.

I think it’s vital as human beings, that if we desire to grow and become better (which I think we all should), we must acknowledge our faults. It’s difficult and un-fun, but by recognizing faults, we can improve our lives and the lives of others around us.

In the past I’ve often run from my demons, buried my head in the sand and let them pass. I ignored my problems; pretended like they didn’t exist. (Which is never the answer.)

Acknowledging these faults has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. They’re like wolves stalking me in the forest. Time and time again, I’ve had to ward them off with a fiery stick. I wouldn’t say I’ve won, by any margin, but I feel like I’ve taken a step in the right direction. For now, I’m keeping them at an arms distance.

“Our demons never leave us, we simply live above them.” — The Ancient One, Doctor Strange

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the above statement is true. Our faults, our demons, never leave. I’m going to have to keep fighting, because my imperfections won’t disappear. I can’t change who I am, nor do I want to change. I simply want to be the best version of me. (Also, Marvel can dish out some real truths.)

My demons will always hover in the background, waiting for me to slip so they can keep me down. They are the wolves in the forrest. I am their prey. I’m going to continue fighting, because fighting is growing and growing is a part of living.

I proudly take up this fight to become a better person for myself and the people around me. To those I’ve hurt in the past: I’m sorry. I’m working harder to sort myself out. I ask for your forgiveness.

Here’s to 2016, a year full of ups and downs, fighting and growing. This has been one of my best years. Thank you to those who’ve dealt the worst parts of me.

– J. Karre

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