Toilet Paper USA

Jacob Richter
Aug 25, 2017 · 1 min read

“Toilet Paper USA,” he cried out.

“The freedom of our people is found in our household cleaning supplies. Today’s America has grown divided and dumpy. By returning to the basics, like wiping our asses after each shit, we will move forward.”

“Our first step,” he told the already ecstatic crowd, “is the protection of our youth. Terrorists are out-thinking us: they want Americans to use the tools of the weak, like bidets. But no longer, America without Toilet Paper is like Mom without apple pie. Toilet Paper is our freedom.”

“Our nation was founded on Toilet Paper, and I’ll be damned if anyone one of these fucking terrorists tries to flush it, any of it! I will kill them myself!”

“Our backs are against the tank!” he yelled, “Our way of life is at risk!”

The crowd went crazy: women fainted and men cried tears of joy.

“Only with the protection of our Toilet Paper, can we forever remain free!”

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Jacob Richter

Written by

any society that bases its future on the past is destined for failure

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