Wednesday Night
I’ve been trying to accept whatever I’m feeling. This comes with a price though. Scaring the shit out of yourself sometimes because when you haven’t really accepted yourself in a while it can be shocking to rediscover what’s underneath all the bull shit. These feelings have always been here and we, or at least I, never acknowledged them. I’ve been moving further and further away from myself, and I have the feeling I’m not the only one.
It was Wednesday evening and there was this lady at Zen practice I started to talk to, her name isn’t really that important. We were both coming out of the dharma room talking about her life. It got to a point where we were discussing how she got her PhD from Germany. I told her how cool I thought that was, but she wasn’t really interested in that.
We were standing outside the entrance of the Zen center. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of the other ladies who practices Zen with us coming out of the front door of the main house. I wondered for a second whether or not she knew what I was getting into or not. We continued talking about her travels some. She had been to Cairo, Germany, and some other places I can’t remember. The Peace Corp had led her on some of these adventures. She was a teacher too, and I guess there was a point in time where she was going to be receiving tenure but didn’t get it for some reason. After mentioning this part of her life to me she revealed a part of herself that caught me off guard. There was a lot of anger, guilt, sadness, and irritation spewing out of every which way. She wasn’t really talking to me anymore. She was only releasing what has probably always there but there’s hardly a time or place for her to vent it out of her system. My first reaction was to get the fuck out of there, but my need not to be an asshole was too strong. So I was there for good.
As she was explaining what was wrong with everything and how she’s been fucked by the system, I just looked her in the eyes the whole time. I didn’t know what else to do but be there and study this animal that over time has developed these strong emotions. It turned into me studying myself mostly though. To see how many times I would judge her for being who she was right then and there. I was scared. This was a grown woman with years and years of experience that remains a mystery to me. I had no idea what she has been through. Who am I to judge her? If I think she is over reacting and being too caught up in her emotions, what does that say about me? I don’t really know, but all I know is I was freaked out. I had never spoken to this woman prior, and this day I decided to compliment her on her flowery pink shirt and then that led to this. Come to think of it, I was probably asking for this to happen. This was almost like a test to see if my heart will close up in the time when it should be the most open. I love to talk about how love is really what we need, and that it’s not always going to feel good; but the second shit hits the fan I start closing up. Not this fucking time. Even if I have no idea what to do I will accept her as she is in this moment. Or at least I will try my best to accept her fully and give her the space she needs.
I would breathe deeply into my stomach feeling my lungs expand and my chest lifting up and then down, giving life the breath that it gives me. As she was becoming more and more upset I continued to look at her with an open heart, at least trying to. It wasn’t easy because I got a feeling that when I was looking in her eyes she could see what was she was doing and didn’t like it. I listened to everything. As she was talking I asked myself what was being given to me. I felt her pain as my own. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to feel, but I tried my best to be open for her and to let myself know that it’s ok not to know what to do in this situation, and just being here is completely fine.
It settled down after 10 or 15 minutes when she started mentioning this Michael Moore film about how the U.S. is a shit storm. I don’t remember the title of the film but I told her I would check it out, and maybe I’ll leave the U.S. one day for good. We started to part ways and I told her to have a good rest of her night as I smiled into her eyes, but it was like I was only smiling at myself, letting her and me know that it’s ok.
I looked down at the steps she was walking down and saw a black cat laying on the top step looking up at the sky.
Then as I walked away the trees started humming their song. The cicadas were doing their thing too, buzzing along the branches. Nature’s symphony.
I walked to my car and drove back home.
I didn’t really know what to do next.
