Daily Journal : Day 21

Jacob
Jacob
Jul 26, 2017 · 3 min read

As with the entire last month, life has been hard, but not too much to handle. Things coming to an end of sorts with Jocelyn kinda ends a chapter of my life that I may have not been ready for to end. Looking back I walked into the Jocelyn situation thinking I truly loved myself but I may have not. I liked who I was and always have but it seems that I was doing things to please her in hopes of dating, not for the sole reason of that is who I am or makes me happy. Yes her being happy made me happy, but things I was doing were motivated from her when it should've been inside of me solely. I don’t think it was wrong to be motivated by the thought of something but it should’ve been from my own inner fight, not the thought of a possible future hinging on someone else’s feelings of me.

The recent trend has been to just remember to self love because it is crucial. In our most broken moments we need to be able to look in the mirror and say I love you. I love who I am and the fact that I put a smile on my face day in and out and just want to see others around me smiling. I guess I have been trying to hard to find new people instead of just making sure I have ones that matter.

I will never regret how I acted towards Jocelyn because I gave her more reasons than she will ever need to date someone. It hurts because as much as I want to not like her, at least right now, I can’t. Over time it will fade and I will get lost in someone who is even better and I look forward to that day again. For now though, I think I shouldn’t try and force anything but also know when to pull away. As I have said before, eventhough it is scary because you don’t know when it will end, keep wandering down your own path of self discovery until someone leads you into another direction. I have been so worried about creating love for someone else when I should be using that energy to love myself even more. No hurt will last forever so start looking at yourself and smiling again because you are everything you will ever need to be.

Letter to Jacob:

I am so proud of myself for all the hardships and growth I have had this year. I have grown to be someone who never wants to have a bad time and just wants to see everyone happy. I still focus tremendously on school and look forward to a future full of love, adventure, wonder, and beauty. Maybe I will graduate and do what I always said; I move. I move away and get lost in the beauty that is this life, and it may be for the best. I don’t know if it will be easy, but I will grow more than I could ever imagine if I did so. These years being young are FOR ME, NO ONE ELSE BUT ME. It is time for me to get lost as I possibly can in the beauty of being alive again. Soak in all those sunsets, cherish getting high on a tuesday for no reason, and most of all be happy to be alive because it is the greatest gift of all in this beautiful fucking life.

Personal Quote: Always remind yourself of your worth because you are so fucking worth it.

    Jacob

    Written by

    Jacob

    21 year old living life and pursuing my truest happiness