Daily Journal : Day 14

I have begun to analyze much deeper who I am and the love I want to accept and receive in the recent days. In the situation I am, I am not sure if it is Jocelyn who has taught me so much, or it is me. Throughout our friendship I have been challenged to learn so much about myself and what I truly value. Over this time I can vividly still remember crying walking the shores of Daytona Beach or even just still not giving up when she says she is not ready. I have learned that in my past, I would put my personal interest before others and it truly hurt them and I didn’t care. At that point, truly, I had no reason to do that, but now I do, and I don’t. It is crazy to think after this past year and so many lows that I have grown more to give love than ever before.

With this state of giving so much love, I also choose wisely who is deserving of my time and effort. I can not say for sure, but I would like to think that I am a big part of why the people around me either succeed or fail. In learning about myself, I hope that I am someone whose heart and true intentions echo an eternity. I never thought I would know so much about myself, love, friendship, dreams, and the beauty of life but it is the challenges I have faced that have propelled me to this position. This position of certain uncertainty, faith and no reason to believe, and the utmost confidence and undeniable fear. The beauty in these polar opposite emotions has brought me from highs and lows to tap into who I am. Many people around me would never believe me when I say they have gone through life the easy way. I may be wrong, but many individuals have seemed to have more than I have. It could be that I don’t settle for mediocrity in anything, hence why I have never been holding on to any friendships that don’t benefit my future.

Sometimes it is so incredibly hard to be doing what I hope is right, but almost every time without fail, it has been the right decision. Not taking the easy route through everyday endeavors has helped me mentally and propelled me to find my deeper mission. Even though I still haven’t found exactly what that is, I know creating happiness and giving the utmost support for those whose deserve it is what means the most to me. I am going to continue to try and be better each and everyday and learn from others whenever possible.

As for my future, I hope it is bright and full or endless fun, love, and adventure. Sadly it may not be this week, next month, next year. But if it was in 5 years; non stop happiness and love and adventure for the rest of time, that is one hell of a fucking trade off. So I guess that is it, that is what I am pursuing, that dream of certain happiness(not that I am not happy) because it is built on truly finding yourself and those around you that can facilitate that feeling. As always this process has been incredible I just hope one day I can use it to better benefit someone who deserves it 10 times over.

Personal Quote: Don’t purse a life that they couldn’t make a movie about, because those lives are real, too many people just already gave up.
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