Daily Journal : Day 14 V.2
In more time thinking today I began to learn more about myself and my reactions to things. From an up bringing of being an only child and having only one friend growing up, I haven’t always had MANY people to turn to, but instead a few important people. Through my recent experiences many of these important people in my life has seemed to not be as important and I have yet to find those that will now fill that spot in my life. It has left me with this comparison: In my situation with less friends, I am often left wandering on my own path to discover deeper meaning on my own; while I find others with many friends can be left never worrying about possible deeper issues and have a much falser sense of true friendship since so many of their friendships are average at best. For me this leaves me in a state of where I want to build the relationships with those people I meet that deserve it, but at sometimes it feels forced. I hope those that care begin to chase for me when I wander because I mean so much and deserve that. I hate the feeling of continuing to wander away farther and farther until it feels as if those people are left behind.
This is something I struggle with as if I am trying to drag along others on a string, but if they just become dead weight with no care as to my direction, all they will be doing is causing negative thoughts and leading me into a direction I don’t want to go. After my experiences this past year I have been left trying to find those that chase me as I wander and it is hard. It is hard to force someone to do that when they are still caught up in the simple basic friendships and basic lives. I don’t know if I am going in the right direction, but I do not want to have to continue feeling further and further away from others because they don’t seem to care (chase).
I guess after being hurt by those that meant the most, their chase is emptiness to me and has me looking for someone that has much more genuine intentions. I don’t know where to look or when it is time to give up on that person but I hope that begins to become easier because I don’t want to pursue this life with a feeling of being alone and almost wandering aimlessly.
It is a scary line between keeping people around because you need them and finding yourself by being alone. I do not know where it lies and it may tend to go back and forth but I hope it becomes it easier to understand, or maybe I just need to continue to wander until I find a reason not to.
Personal Quote: Maybe we were born to wander and feel lost, in turn, finding the destination we never knew of, and being happy to find a place, feeling, person, or dream that no one else was ever meant to find.