Another letter…. for you

Hi hello. Another letter for "you" coz y not haha kidding. I know youre such a crybaby but please dont cry while reading this ha, on the time you’re going to read this, I hope amd I wish and Im still here to comfort you.... I know I haven’t been myself lately. I know when you often look at me I can see the doubt and confusion in your eyes, or at least I interpret it that way. I also know that you love me but are unsure of what to say or what to do. and I understand it.

I’m writing this to you because I find it hard to articulate what is actually going on inside. My mood shifts on a moment-to-moment basis and although I may appear to be normal on the outside, on the inside I’m being tossed about like a tiny boat on a dark and torrid ocean.

I wish I knew how to tell you why I’m feeling depressed but the truth is I don’t fully understand myself. I know at times I feel totally empty, as if every particle of my being has been sucked into a black hole. At other times I feel crushed, my spirit devoid of human warmth, and these are feelings I simply cannot control. I often feel exhausted by the simplest of tasks. My body is heavy and my mind is sluggish. I am unable to respond in ways I used to and I know this frustrates you, because it frustrates me too.

I can see how concerned and distressed you become when I cry for no apparent reason. Again, I can’t stop this from happening. It’s like being stuck on autopilot and things are happening without my input. But what I do know is that after I cry, I drink,I cut my wrist or take my sleeping pills, I feel a little better.

I know that somewhere inside this depressed person I’ve become, I do love you very much. You may question this and question whether my love is real anymore as I’m acting differently toward you. Maybe sometimes you doubt me because I act different(moody) but please understand that this is just part of my depression. Dont ever question my love for you, its real and true. I swear to God.

This all may seem difficult to understand and I think this is what makes being depressed so hard to deal with. Nothing in my behavior or thinking makes sense to me. I know that makes me hard to understand and sometimes hard to be around, but please stick by me and don’t give up.

I am seeking help right now and I am doing what I can to find a way forward through this difficult time. I want you to know that I need you now more than ever, even if I don’t show or say it. I need your patience, I need your support,I need your time and attention and above all I need your love.

Always yours,

Jael~~~

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