Review: Frozen on Broadway Soars Early, But Profoundly Disappoints When Sven the Reindeer Doesn’t Get the Solo He Goddamn Deserves
by Jacob Osborne and Gian-Paul Bergeron
Silence, it turns out, isn’t always golden; as many New York theatergoers learned over the last week, certain silences can turn a billion-dollar fairy tale into a grisly, joyless charade. After a years-long development and preview process, Disney’s Frozen finally had its Broadway musical debut last weekend at the storied St. James Theater, and thousands of clamoring fans braved the Midtown crowds to get their Frozen fix. But, for this reviewer, an evening that began with high hopes and electric excitement ended in crushing disappointment and blind rage. Indeed, Frozen audiences will be positively charmed by the production’s seamless first twenty minutes, until the entire experience is irreversibly tarnished by the fact that Sven The Reindeer still doesn’t get the goddamn solo he deserves.
The plot of the musical will be familiar to fans of the animated film: Elsa and Anna are still sister-princesses, still forced to separate during childhood because of the dangers of Elsa’s magic, and Sven still doesn’t say a fucking word. I’ve been critiquing the franchise for this decision ever since the film first came out. The choice to give the faculties of speech and song to Olaf, a clownish, tubby stack of ice-balls (voiced by Josh Gad at his cash-grabbing worst), instead of to Sven, a red-blooded, majestic moose-dog (no voice credit available), has always struck me as ill-considered at best, and at worst, downright unconscionable. As I’ve vlogged about extensively, this imbalance of songs within the ensemble is truly mystifying. Even the grubby stone trolls have a whole number to themselves, while leading-man Kristoff’s loyal best friend gets nothing more than a few dopey smiles and demeaning brays. What could possibly explain this conspicuous muzzling? (Scroll down for past posts about Sven fan theory, leaked early cuts of the movie where Sven speaks, and well-sourced rumors about Bob Iger — “Chairman Bob” — personally killing not one but TWO Sven spinoff series.)
But I was willing to let bygones be bygones. With the adaptation from film to stage, the writers of Frozen had the perfect opportunity to right their original wrong and give this proud caribou some lines. In fact, songwriters Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez wrote twelve new songs for the Broadway production. Twelve! But did they find it in their frigid hearts to throw a tune to ol’ Sven? WELL OF COURSE NOT THAT’S WHY I’M WRITING THIS ARTICLE YOU HALFWIT. There are opportunities at every turn to let Sven belt his antlers off, and in one instance, basic decency demands it: in the first pre-chorus of “Fixer Upper,” a crotchety stone troll sings of Kristoff, “His thing with the reindeer/that’s a little outside of nature’s laws.” What kind of godless, del Toro-esque liaison are the songwriters suggesting here, and how depraved do you have to be to not let Sven sing back against such an insinuation? (Read my Shape of Water review for more thoughts on interspecies dalliance and how the film’s sex-crazed fish monster has impeded mainstream Sven discourse.) Alas, even after the move to Broadway, and the addition of a dozen new songs, our deer-hero remains a mute martyr amidst it all. I can’t, in good conscience, recommend that anyone pay money to watch this rendition of the Disney blockbuster until Sven is orally liberated (and elevated to at least equal footing with that yappy, freakishly bucktoothed sideshow, Olaf).
It’s not as though there isn’t a strong precedent for talking animals in animated Disney films and their musical adaptations. The Little Mermaid. Beauty and the Beast. The Lion King?? That movie is all talking animals. Just try to imagine the alternate version of history where The Lion King was a silent film. Just 89 minutes of Hans Zimmer and 2D zebras. It’s not a pretty picture, but I implore you to look. Do you think it would have made it to Broadway? Played in 13 countries around the world? Sold more than 50 million tickets? DO YOU THINK BEYONCE WOULD’VE GONE ANYWHERE NEAR THAT SHIT? Of course not. And yet Disney has, for some reason, given Sven the silent treatment. They’ve thrown him in with the voiceless likes of Dumbo, Dopey, and Pluto, a truly stupid group of guys. It breaks my heart. It should break yours. And all while a criminally insane snow-demon gets to cackle and shove vegetables through his cranial cavity on the very same screen.
All right, enough dancing around it. Let’s discuss the Olaf Problem. The insufferable ice-buffoon is the supreme thorn in the side of this musical and franchise, and represents everything wrong with Sven’s silence. Olaf has anemic twig-limbs; Sven has trusty, load-bearing legs. Olaf’s an unholy product of dark ice magic; Sven was conceived naturally, through a birth canal. Olaf manically craves summer — a suicidal wish; Sven braves arctic waters and nearly dies to save his best friend. Sven trounces Olaf in every conceivable metric, and I will not rest until the populace sees the snowman for what he is: an impish, sadistic messenger of the commercial hegemonic order that insists on keeping Sven quiet, day after day, week after week, month after month, for countless years to come. This is my cause. This is my plight. This is the weight I may carry to my grave. And Frozen on Broadway has brought it all back into the spotlight.
Critic’s Rating: 4.5/5
