The People of Zoom
As a software salesman, I find myself on anywhere from 3–8 Zoom calls a day with prospects and the team alike. We have been doing this for long enough now that I have started to see some “categories” of fellow “Zoom People” pop up. I am interested to see if others find this to be true on their calls. Here are the categories I have so far:
Virtual Background People
These are an interesting group of people. We must note that there are two types of Virtual Background People. Custom Background and Stock Background people.
Custom Virtual Background
Alright fine. Maybe you do a lot of these. I can appreciate it if you went out of your way to make one of these because you are on them every day. That’s fair. As long as it is branded. It’s a little much if the entire background is branding, but a small logo at the bottom is appropriate.
However, some people make custom backgrounds that have nothing to do with a company or brand. “Oh, my background?” I didn’t ask, but you’re gonna tell me anyway. “It’s a picture of my office. I miss it so much.” So, you’re meaning to tell me you went into your office, probably against quarantine rules, just to take a picture for your Zoom background. Got it. “Good for you. That’s funny. Ha ha.”
Stock Background
These people are my favorite. They are 100% just hiding what is in their view behind them. You know this cause they make no comment what so ever about the background. For the most part, I assume that if they went through the hassle to set up one of these backgrounds, it is likely a talking point for them. Not these people. Nope. It’s 100% to hide the clutter in the background. They will occasionally move around and screw up the background, so you get a glimpse of ground zero in their home office. It looks like the tornado rearranged the whole room, then a fire broke out, creating even more of a mess, and finally, the fire was put out with coffee.
So are we gonna talk about the fact that you’re on the beach or… “Oh, are you wondering why I’m on the beach? It’s cause that’s where I would rather be, jackass” Right, sorry.
Snap Filter Guy
This one is a big “oof.” Like a BIG “oof’. Here’s how the conversation starts. Introductions are made. Casual pleasantries are exchanged. A little bit of rapport has been established. It’s important to say that enough rapport has been built for a typical Zoom call. Just enough for a video call that everyone would rather not be on. But now it is “Snap Filter Guy’s” moment. “Hey, guys, check out my elf ears!” *Insert some comment about the filter that’s way too personal for the moment.* An example of that would be, “All the kids in elementary school used to say I have elf ears. Well, jokes on them, now I do!”
Yikes. Everyone has that fake smile on their face. That face where you are half smiling, but you also look like you’re in pain. “Ha ha, that’s funny, ha ha” Thanks, snap filter guy. Thanks a lot cause now we all have to find a way to bring this back to business. These conversations never end well. You can get back on track, but all rapport has been lost. You took a Michael Scott gamble, and it didn’t pay off Snap Guy.
The Working Parent
God bless your soul. You are heroes. You are the heroes of the work-from-home world. Heroes! You always know these people because they make a comment right off the bat. “Hey, so I have a young kid. They might make a scene. I am really sorry if I have to jump for a second.” Sure enough, not a minute later. “Jack! Do not put that in your sister’s hair! … I’m sorry. Hold on for a second…”
It’s funny seeing this as an adult. As a kid, I totally remember being the reason my mom had to interrupt her phone call to tell me to stop being an idiot. You can totally track these people’s eyes. They are always checking what is going on in front of them. They give you enough attention to continue the meeting. Still, you occasionally trial off when they are clearly about to yell at their kids. For the duration of the call, they are one foot in and one foot out. It’s impressive to see them balance the two. Again, it is worth noting that these people are heroes. I have no idea how you do it. Thank you for trying. We appreciate it!
The Mirror Guy
This person is absolutely obsessed with the way they look. You can tell because they follow their face around the Zoom. You’ll start a screen share, and you can watch this person’s eyes jet to the corner where Zoom sent their face. Oh, I’m looking at the other person’s face to see what they are doing. Ya, uh-huh, sure. Midway through the conversation, you will see them start to fix their hair. The casual 4 finger comb with a soft fade off to the right to make sure their hair sits in precisely in the right position. It’s at this point that you being to lose their focus. They then start to look at their phone and then back at themselves. “Hey_____, you still with me?” “Oh ya, sorry, just got a text…” Nice. Turn off your camera, you, primadonna.”
Audio Only
Come on, people! Nobody really wants to be doing these Zoom calls. We understand that you might not be having the best hair and face day. Neither am I! We understand that your home office might not be the cleanest. I literally have my dirty laundry basket and open boxes in the frame of my camera. We can all do it together. Take the leap, throw a camera on! I don’t buy the “I have a desktop” excuse. What do you mean you have a desktop? Does it also have Windows 95? We’ve been in the pandemic for months now. Amazon still works (works better than ever actually). Get yourself a nice 1080p external camera. I want to see your beautiful face! We are all in this together. The least we can do is smile together on a Zoom call.
This is a weird new world that we find ourselves in. At least we are all making the most out of a difficult situation. Being on Zoom calls every day reminds me that we are not alone, and we are all in this together. All of you Zoom weirdos bring a smile to my face, and honestly, I’m grateful that I get to see your personality shine in a way that I would not be able to pick up on the phone. It makes the pandemic just that much easier!
I’ll see you all out there on a call soon. Happy Zooming!
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If you must know. I am the Mirror Person. Hands down, I am following my face all over the Zoom. I am that guy. But honestly, I am just trying to get a read on the other person’s face. Seriously though. :)
