Why Do You Find It So Hard To Say Sorry?
Saying these two little words “I’m sorry” can be a challenge, here’s why.
“When you truly forgive a person, then transformation happens not only in you but also in the other” Sri Bhagavan
Why do both children and adults struggle with the idea of apologising, when many times, saying a heart felt sorry is all that’s needed to restore harmony to our relationships?
I remember how hard it was for me as a young girl to say sorry when I said or did something to hurt a friend at school or one of my siblings at home.
When the teacher or my mum would say “Say sorry” I would freeze like a stone and my blood would run cold. Getting me to say sorry was as painful as pulling teeth.
I would stand with fists clenched, mouth tight and blatantly refuse to say sorry.
It would take a lot of persuasion and sometimes threats were needed, before I mumbled a half hearted sorry. Sound familiar?
Even at a tender age, saying sorry for something I did wrong was a nightmare, so it’s no surprise that it’s been an even greater challenge for me as an adult.
Why is it such a trauma?
Let me explain my thoughts on this.
Saying Sorry Makes You Culpable
You avoid saying sorry because then you become the guilty party. You believe saying sorry to a partner or friend for a wrongdoing, will firmly point the finger at you as the wrong doer.
So in the act of saying sorry, you’re automatically accepting culpability for the wrong and are therefore to blame — the transgression becomes solely your burden to bear.
That’s where the struggle lies; at least that was the problem for me.
I didn’t like saying sorry as a child because, I didn’t like feeling blamed. Even when I knew I was wrong, I continued to defend myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with the humiliation that comes with the admission of fault.
As an adult today, although it’s easier to say a sincere sorry to my partner, because I’ve worked long and hard on myself to strip away some of my pride, it still presents a challenge.
See, no one want’s to feel the weight of being the cause of someone else’s pain. There’s a palpable sense of guilt and shame associated with admitting to hurting someone that even children find hard to deal with, so we instead shift the blame onto the other.
Shifting the blame lessens the feelings of guilt we feel and transfers it the other person.
Yet saying sorry is not about who’s right or wrong, who’s guilty or not. Saying a sorry to someone, especially to a partner or loved one who feels hurt, is about acknowledging the person’s pain no matter the cause and doing all you can to relieve it.
You Feel Defeated
You grapple with the idea of apologizing because the act of apologising makes you feel defeated.
The world we live in is so competitive — almost everything about our world has its basis in competition. As young kids we’re encouraged to watch and participate in competitive sports at school; competing is something all of us learn from a very early age.
It’s therefore natural that we additionally learn not just the importance of winning, but also how good it feels to win and of course how awful it feels to lose, so why would anyone want to lose?
Apologising is like deliberately accepting defeat — who wants that?
Instead of saying sorry, people rather waste energy defending their pride, battling their partners, family and friends in just another competition they refuse to lose.
If no one backs down, loved ones can go for days, weeks, months and even years without speaking to one another, because each refuses to be the first to say sorry.
Such a waste of precious time isn’t it?
Think of all the years we lose giving our loved ones the silent treatment, when a simple sorry would be enough to melt the ice and heal the relationship?
Saying sorry doesn’t mean you’ve lost the battle, it just means you care more about your partner, friends or family members feelings’ and about maintaining harmony in your relationships than you do about winning.
Ask yourself if winning is more important than your relationship?
Being able to say a genuine sorry is healing not only for you, but also for your broken relationships. So if you have an important person in your life who is waiting for a sorry from you, don’t wait, say you’re sorry today, so you can both begin your healing.
You Feel Embarrassed
Shame and humiliation can be hindering factors that stop you being able to say sorry in a meaningful way.
Just as I wanted to avoid feeling humiliated as a child when asked to say sorry, saying a heartfelt sorry to someone you’ve hurt, can be very emotional and can awaken feelings of vulnerability, embarrassment and nakedness.
Yet in my experience, showing vulnerability when apologizing to a friend or loved one induces positive rather than negative responses and brings you together as opposed to separating you.
Being vulnerable takes courage — your loved ones will see and appreciate your bravery.
You may also feel that saying sorry to your partner will weaken you and shift the balance of power in the relationship, giving them more power over you.
However, loving relationships are not about power struggles. Healthy relationships are about love, equality, co-operation and communication.
There’s strength, courage and power in being able to say you’re sorry to your loved ones and mean it. Accepting responsibility for your wrong doings shows emotional maturity, compassion and growth.
Now isn’t that worthy of a sorry?