My life choices depend on my feelings of my worth. What determines my value as a human being? And how the fuck do I know what kind of choices a person with my upbringing WITH self-worth would make if I’ve never had any? No ones ever recognized me as important, and if they did I ran for the hills for fear of being found out. So clearly, I can’t just sit around and wait for someone to see me as worthy. What happens when they’re gone? A fucking part of me agonizes again, that’s what, and I’m so over that whole self harm route.
What, then, gives me VALUE? A lot of people might not like this answer, but I’m just gonna go ahead and rip the band-aide off: God. That’s right, I said it, G-O-mother truckin D. Not my friends, not my job, not what I do in my free time, not how I look or how I spend my money, not other people’s opinions or even my own, not my beliefs, not my parents complete lack of guidance, how much money I have or don’t have, my boyfriend, or how many of them I have, my sobriety time, NONE OF THAT. My ambition? My determination? My focus? My accomplishments? No, no, no, no, no. It’s the mere fact that I exist. Does someone born with Down syndrome have any less value as a human being than an all star professional foot ball player? No. Fuck no. Who knows how many hearts a child with special needs can change? And hhow many hearts that foot ball player has crushed? How many lives they’ve touched? Does THAT even matter? In my passionate opinion, yes, but does that determine worth? Nope. I am worthy because I exist, because I am a part of God consciousness, experiencing myself to become increasingly conscious of myself, to KNOW MYSELF, more and more and more and more. In order to do that, I can’t just sit around and dream all day. I have to keep moving forward, through the pain and the hurt and the emotional struggle that I’m accustomed to. I must keep going. I understand that for many, self-worth isn’t such a battle. They don’t have to constantly affirm it and check themselves to know that they are making choices that affirm worth. They may not always find themselves getting lost again and again in a sea of feeling worthless and alone and ugly. But for me, I do, and the sooner that I accept that, and feel that just because I’ve taken the brunt of abuse in majority of my relationships, does not make me any less of a person, the better. In fact, it has provided me with immense inner strength, however, I’m ready to be treated like a princess now and rise above anything less. The end.