“I didn’t say all those things” — Plato. Angry Philosopher Sues Al Gore For Inventing The Internet
Breaking centuries of silence, Plato is striking back at the seemingly infinite number of misquotes falsely attributed to him. Citing the number of unsubstantiated sayings that are the basis of internet memes, he is taking former Vice President Al Gore to court.
The lawsuit asserts that Gore, now retired and living in a battery factory in Armenia, is responsible because he invented the forum which is home to so many false Plato quotes.
“I would never have said those things, it’s just goddamned ridiculous.” The portly man shook his head as he sipped his beer and stared at the re-run of Fear Factor on his TV.
Despite being an unemployed philosopher, Plato insists the lawsuit isn’t about money. “I’m a philosopher. What do I know about money or any of that stuff?”
“I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing this for all of us who have been misquoted on the internet. We’ve all been hurt by this me. Socrates, Abe Lincoln, Kermit, Lassie…we’ve all been hurt. And, it’s about time somebody paid!”
He chokes up when he mentions his old teacher, and golf partner, Socrates. “There are all these things he supposedly said, well, I was there and he never said any of them! You know what Socrates was good for? Shanking balls, I can’t tell you how many times we searched for his ball because Mr. Professor wouldn’t take a drop. That guy could shank a putt.”
The lawsuit, initially struck down in a lower court, was reinstated after the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals put their crayons down and met in full panel. Justice Frank Scuzzlebutt wrote the opinion of the court, “Sounds like a fun case, can’t wait to see how it plays out!”
It’s believed the 13-word opinion is the shortest ever issued by a federal court.
Pleased with the decision of the court Plato said he hopes to have the matter settled before the hockey season starts this year. Asked for a quote that could be rightfully attributed to him, he replied, “Yeah, boobs and beer are the only things that matter in life.”