11 WAYS TO WIN A FIGHT AGAINST A LION -touristifaction of minds in modern society-

While millions of people are preparing to go on holidays this summer to post photos on social media, I thought about those who do not want to get eaten by wild animals. In this article I focus on Lions. Sorry if my article came a bit late (I know that some backpackers are already in savannas.) I was trying to deliver my study in May but researching such a subject was not an easy task (I haven’t found any serious and constructive studies about the subject) especially that many documents date back to Greek and Phoenician eras and are in drastic physical conditions (moisture, missing pieces, etc). Although I am allergic to self-help books and manuals that start with “10 ways to” or “how to”, I am confident that my article will save lives.
1- PROCRASTINATE
Tell the Lion that you have no time to fight today. Do not let him decide on the next date. Be the master of negotiations. Tell him you are busy this week and that you will get back to him later with an answer. Once the negotiations are concluded, disappear.
The Romans worshiped someone who delayed fighting: Fabius Maximus also known as Cunctator or the Procrastinator. He drove Hannibal of Carthage (who had clearly a military superiority) crazy by avoiding and delaying engagement.
2- BE YOU
Your first reaction was: no way! Especially in modern times. Anyway, this reaction will not help you when you face a hungry Lion. Concentrate, control yourself, and just be you. A lion was not appointed King by coincidence. Lions have people skills and know if you are acting fake. Once they feel that you are natural, they might respect this and leave you alone.
3- TELL HIM YOU ALREADY KILLED LIONS BEFORE
He might freak out and change his mind. Even if you are the best sales guy, convincing him with words may not be enough. Prepare photos of you stepping on a Lion’s head. This can be done in minutes on Photoshop. Just consult one of the million girls on Instagram or Facebook and they will assist in Photoshop editing. Always have these photos with you.
4- LAKE FIGHT
Always have a strategic approach. Choose a deep lake. Lions are not great swimmers. Strategically, you will have a greater advantage. Once you feel that he is exhausted start punching him on his face.
5- ACT WEIRD
You might look like a clown or a comedian. But who cares. Animals are not judgmental. Anyway, your goal is to survive, not to listen to what others say. Doing weird stuff is one of the most efficient tools (except if you sing Despacito in front of him, he’ll eat you and share the meal with his pals). Thus, try to perform a dance, or make weird noises. Laugh out loud for no reason. The lion will think that you are preparing for something, or that something weird is going on. He will walk away slowly.
Hannibal’s most famous trick was the one he used in Campania to get his army out of a trap. It was a weird trick. His army was in a valley locked in by mountains and Fabius’s army was all around him. There was only one way out: a pass through the mountains; and it was heavily guarded by Roman troops. What did Hannibal figure out? Along a path that ran parallel to the mountain road he stampeded a herd of cattle at night with flaming torches on their horns. The guards, thinking the cattle were Hannibal’s soldiers, rushed to confront them, abandoning their positions on the mountain. While they were dealing with the animals, Hannibal quickly sent his army through the pass and got free.
6- INVITE HIM FOR DINNER
Tell him that you wish to have the last supper with him. Just invent any reason. Say for example that you come from a certain ancient Eastern minority (Maronite, Assyrian, Yazidi, etc) and that it is a tradition for one to have the last supper with his killer. Bring a gazelle, cook it then poison it. Be careful; do not use made-in-china products as this might not work well.
7- WEAR AN ELEPHANT COSTUME
The only other wild animal lions really fear is the elephant. Elephant costumes are usually tailor-made (again be careful, no made-in-China products). However, be cautious. Do not act arrogantly once you feel superior as an elephant. Remember, you goal is to survive and not to provoke the lion further. Just wear the goddamn costume and act like eating herbs or something.
8- TAKE A GROUP SELFIE ON SNAPCHAT AND ADD FILTERS
Ask him politely for a selfie. Once you take the photo, add those weird filters. It is preferable to add a ‘dog’ filter to your face and a ‘flowers’ filter to his head covering his mane. He will feel stupid and pathetic. This will demoralize him.
9 — SHOW HIM A PHOTO OF PRE- AND POST-WAR BEIRUT
When he sees how its authentic architecture was massacred by interventionistas and nouveaux-riches real-estate tycoons, the lion will kill himself.
10 — RUN AWAY
11 — Wear a Lion tooth (bl lebnééné)
Courtesy of Faléflix™
Wear a necklace with a lion tooth. The lion will be: "uff hay2to atal lion mn abl w 3emel seneslé mn snéno?"
