CHEAP PLACES TO EAT IN LEBANON THIS SUMMER

Kale cannot replace Kebbeh — Your Aunt Thérèse is the last woman standing — Beirut is still a multicultural city — On weddings and fat wives with annoying kids holding Ipads

1– 3AMMTAK THERESE (your Aunt Thérèse)

Located in Ehden, on one of the highest hills in the Lebanese mountains, the house of your aunt Therese is the perfect place for free meals this summer. If you want to eat Kale, this is not the right place to be (Also if you want to eat Kale, please skip the whole article). Your aunt Thérèse is probably one of the few people struggling to preserve the local cuisine culture.

You can even bring your girlfriend Samira. But don’t let Aunt Thérèse see her. (Even if she looks exactly the same like all your exes). Tell Samira to hide in the cherry tree and ask your little cousin Toni to deliver her food. Also, tell him to keep his mouth shut or you’ll beat him up.

Cuisine: fish on Fridays; Kebbeh bl Sayniyeh on Saturdays; BBQ on Sundays with raw meat, raw kebbeh, kebbeh 2rass.

How to get there? It is advisable to walk and avoid traffic.

Walking time: 1 day

2- CRASH A WEDDING IN ‘TERRE & CIEL’

Dress code:

- If it’s a hit-and-run technique, dress casually. Nobody will notice.

- If you want to take your time savoring food, dress elegantly to alleviate suspicion. Interact with people, especially bankers (they will not listen anyway) and talk about your next trip to Mykonos or Thailand (they all go to the same place). Anyway nobody will notice you because usually all guys there dress the same and keep their raybans after the sunset.

Timing:

- Get there immediately after the ceremony and before the dinner. Otherwise you will end up with no food. Statistics show that 40% of food disappears in the first 10 minutes following the ceremony. The remaining 60% is consumed in the next 60 minutes. (15% by the same guy with his fat wife and annoying kids with spiky hair and Ipads)

When “On va s’aimer” song starts playing, excuse yourself and leave unless you want to start a massacre.

Remark: always use the backdoor. In case it is locked you have no other choice but going through the main gate. The lady at the reception (who will most likely look like your girlfriend Samira) will ask you for your name. If Elie Khoury does not work, try Georges Haddad. If this also does not work just ignore the lady and walk in slowly. If she protests, tell her calmly to f*** off and keep walking.

How to get there? I don’t know, check Google maps, but go walking.

3- DEIR MAR YOUSSEF (SAINT JOSEPH CONVENT)

If you do not feel like walking 22 hours to reach your Aunt Therese’s place, we have found an alternative for you: Deir Mar Yousif. The convent serves free food 24/7. Do not abuse. Do not go there every day unless you are planning to be the next pope.

You may also try to be polite. This means shut your mouth during lunch or dinner time and avoid bullshit talking. People from all backgrounds and religions are admitted. The only people who are not allowed in are Paulo Coelho readers, Bourgeois-Bohemians, and people who voted for the same persons during the last elections then complained on social-media (d***-su***)

4- 3ID EL SAYDEH (ASSUMPTION FEAST)

Pros: there is a big chance that this is happening in your neighborhood

Cons: it only occurs one time in the summer on the evening of August 14th.

It is advisable to celebrate in one of the hundred Lebanese villages rather than in a coastal city. Villages have (most of them, but not so sure for how long) preserved some of the Levantine aspects and traditions of the country.

In coastal cities, not only the ceremony will be overcrowded but also, you might end up listening to the same song about the Army performed by someone most likely called Jalal (who himself is a refugee…)

5- BARBAR

Located in Hamra, Brabar is one of the places that truly gather Lebanese people from all classes and religions. Unless you are very stupid, you will never talk politics or geopolitics when you smell Barbar’s sandwiches. Barbar’s prices are fortunately not adjusted to inflation which has picked up mainly due to nouveaux-riches interventionistas (A weird brand of Marxism mixed with Capitalism and Champagne Socialism). A random sample of 1000 persons, who had food poison, shows that 85% of them got poisoned after having eaten at pseudo-five-star restaurants. (Barbar is one of the few places that kept Adonis in his country, please check this link to know more https://www.facebook.com/adonischasseduyoga/

The below illustration speaks about Barbar

Illustration by Jad Abdallah
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