Come back to this route and take your heart to higher-self*
So I probably endeavoured to write more often when starting this blog but sometimes you learn and experience so much that it’s hard to condense it all into an articulate piece of writing. It’s also hard to share, because it’s feels so raw and so personal to me.
I will give you a small piece of what I feel comfortable sharing at this moment in time. Maybe I will gradually reveal the real me by the end of this trip…or maybe not…you’ll (we’ll) just have to wait and see where this journey takes me.
This part of the trip has been full of both intensive highs and bumps along the way. Full of indescribable bliss and deep heart retching realisations. It’s been a true learning curve. Realisations galore, from real epiphany moments and real “oh fuck” moments. I’ve learnt and felt so many emotions so deeply that it’s hard to digest them in my own head, let alone write them down. It’s so difficult to write them down, it’s even more difficult to allow myself to share them.
When you realise and start to make sense of things, life begins to make a little more sense. Which you’d think would actually help you to have a better understanding of life but it actually just makes your existence in this universe even more confusing. The universe is amazing but the more things make sense, the more complex everything seems to become again.
As I lie here, on the sleeper train travelling south from Da Nang to Saigon, the warming sun seeps through the thin pulled down blind. My (extremely) overplayed “Airplane Sleepyhead” playlist, sending blissful thought-provoking music to my soul, aiding me in trying to contextualise all that I wish to share. So calm, so grateful, full of serenity but so many emotions are trapped high in my chest and pit of my stomach. My heart so open, so alive yet so tired today. I honest couldn’t truly describe to you how I feel right now as I don’t even know.
It’s difficult changing so much in such a short space of time. Wait, let me rephrase that. It’s difficult to start becoming your true self so unbelievably quickly, after spending most of your life so far, only being a fragment of who you truly are. It’s exhausting.
Before I left for this trip, I thought I was more of the real me, than I actually was. Yes, I was already becoming more of the real me in the past couple of years and in the recent months…but ultimately I was still so lost. I’ve been lost many times before now, and each time I found myself again I learnt so much more. However that doesn’t stop you from losing yourself all over again, and again many more times!
At the beginning of this year, I knew that I had to go further on my path to self discovery. I needed to really begin the next part of my journey.
I was longing to be hit with realisations. So far on this trip I’ve learnt things that I had no idea I would even discover. I am always so grateful for each an every discovery, no matter how painful or mind boggling some may be. They can also be so exhausting and overwhelming that some days I’m glad to have not learnt quite so much information thrown at me.
And they’re scary. I never thought they would be, but they are. All of it is so unbelievably scary. I had no idea that it would be quite so much. Because once you know these things, it’s hard to ignore them or pretend that they are not true. You try to put them to the back your mind, but the real “you”, that you becoming now, just won’t allow it.
Instead of brushing it aside, you have no choice but place that thought, emotion or discovery to the pit of your stomach until you figure it out, where it feels so raw, so real and so damn painful. But oh so full of magic and possibilities – so full of change.
So then it’s up to you how you act upon it all. You can’t help but have moments when you think about it being easier when you didn’t realise all these things. If I’m totally honest they are fractions of moments when I wish someone would hold me tight, take all the weight from me and make everything alright. But I have to remind myself that there is no right or wrong. I just have to do what rings true to my soul.
But don’t get me wrong, as scary as it all is, figuring all this out is so exciting and exhilarating. And when you do figure something out, it’s actually incredible. There have been times when I feel so connected to everything around me, able to experience the true beauty of life that surrounds me.
Whilst writing this, I’ve realised that I’m on a road. (Well technically on a train tracks..ha!)
Everyone is on a road, it’s not one straight road, it has turns and corners and leads to many other roads. You might start your journey at one section of this road intending to get to another particular section. You may wander aimless or sometimes, you might even have solid plan or route. On the way you might find a smaller roads that feel right to travel down instead. If you go down them you may never reach the destination (next place) that you’d planned on. That doesn’t mean that the original plan or idea was a waste of time. You were always mean to have had that original route in mind, right from the start, because if you didn’t you wouldn’t have taken that journey, and you wouldn’t have found that other road which was actually the real destination (next port of call), not the one you originally planned.
What I’m trying to say is, things can change, life, you, people, beliefs, and you know, things don’t usually work out how you plan. But maybe, the plan is bigger than you realise. Maybe we should all just have a deeper trust in ourselves, in our souls which have gotten us this far. And have a greater trust in the universe, that things will work out in the end…or maybe they won’t…but that’s ok, because life would be boring if it was all easy right?
We only begin to learn things and find bliss on the other side of suffering. Nothing comes for free in this life, does it?! Or does it? Maybe we can start to find bliss in figuring it out, alongside the suffering..on the journey instead of looking for it at the end. Yeah life is so fucking hard, believe me, I know. But maybe we should see it like a road trip with the roof down, with the wind in your hair, the sun in your eyes whilst blaring your favourite songs. You may have to stop for petrol, you might hit traffic, you might break down, you might even crash (yup, sorry morbid, I know..) but you might not, so you wouldn’t spend all your journey worrying about what might happen.
You may think, “yeah it’s easy for you to say all that whilst you’re on a trip of a life time”…but trust me when I say this self discovery journey is NOT a walk in the park. And shit, I might get home and it might be insanely hard to keep this mind set. But maybe, just maybe, I’m on my way to finally finding and experiencing some real perspective. The kind of perspective which I feel is the only way that I or anyone can begin to be able to really LIVE in this crazy but beautiful world. No longer surviving but actually living, being truly open to. all the experiences that this awesome universe has to offer us.
Peace Out! 😎✌🏻️Promise to check in with you again soon ;)
Chiang Mai > Bangkok > Hoi An > Da Nang > Hoi An > Ho Chi Min