My Transparency Moment

Being a wife and a mother is not what I want.

The problem is I can’t change it. I made decisions and here I am both a wife and a mother. Today, and rightly so, anyone can be openly gay or switch sexes, but I cannot walk away from my children and my husband. This is my inner struggle. A burden I’m expected to bear.

My husband is perfectly normal. He treats me well, loves me no matter what and wants me by his side forever. He is neither interesting nor funny. His main job over the last decade and a half has been the never-ending pursuit of making money at what he loves rather than doing something that actually makes money.

My two girls are lovely. They are sweet, kind and smart. They are fun and make up for my husband’s lack of funny. All together we are a whole. Lots of people would like to have that, I know. At the end of the day, regardless of what lots of people may want, it isn’t what I want. The responsibility of a family does not allow for all of the things that I would rather do.

I would rather wake up whenever I feel like it instead of setting my alarm to get to work and drop my girls at school. I’d rather sit and read under a nice warm blanket than spend my evening making dinner, cleaning up, helping with homework, joining a teleconference with Asia Pacific and then going to sleep under the glow of my husband’s iPad. I’d rather not have to debate my travel schedule for every single trip I have to take to keep my job that supports our family. I’d rather meet friends for brunch. I’d rather not participate in another kid’s party. Ever. I’d rather take a vacation to someplace exotic where the possibility of getting lost or sick or bitten by a poisonous spider exists. I’d rather go back in time and look myself in the eye and be totally honest; I am much too selfish, curious and restless to choose children and a husband.

A change now would hurt so many and, other than my own search for happiness or transparency or whatever the word of the day will be next, what excuse do I really have to throw it all away? As a friend of mine once said to me, “Your life is like an 8 out of 10. Who wouldn’t want that?”. My response; I’d rather have a 10.

Wouldn’t you?

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