It Hurts.

I’m writing about the recent events in my life on this post, I guess. Just needing somewhere to get all of this stuff out, it’s bubbling up and I don’t know what to talk to.

It hurts. It literally hurts. I don’t know why I did this to myself. But I did, and it sucked.

I was abusing caffeine recently. It’s a real thing. It’s not something you hear about normally, but it’s legit.

I didn’t drink anything but coffee. I went almost a week without sleep. I’m still restless at night — waking up every so often, tossing and turning, not falling asleep for hours.

I was to the point where I was so over tired, I didn’t feel tired anymore. If I weren’t to have gotten better, it could have literally messed with my heart. I could have had problems in the future with having kids, heart attacks, things that I don’t want.

I’m hurting and sad and upset. I still miss the only one who ever helped me, no matter how much I try and tell myself to just ignore the pain.

Sometimes, I’ll feel sad. I’ll uncontrollably cry. Others, I’m completely numb, just sitting and staring, thinking about everything and nothing.

I tell people it doesn’t hurt anymore — that I don’t cry about it. But I do. I know that she doesn’t deserve my pain and tears, but I can’t control it.

I don’t want to be hurting her, I really don’t. I don’t want her to feel like she needs to be there for me, I don’t want her to ever think that I hate her. I love her so much.

Each time she leaves, she ends up coming back. I have a feeling that she’ll be back again sometime soon. I get feelings about things, literally anything, from a car crash, a sickness, seeing somebody out in public. I’ve never been wrong, ever. I literally see things before it happens. Weird, I know. But I’m not making this up, that’d be stupid. I hate when people make up stories, so why do it myself? Anyways, I have a feeling she will come back soon, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not sure if I will let her in. Honestly? I just want a normal friendship with her, and she has said she wants one, too.

I started a new medicine. For my depression. I feel like I need to get out of the house, go somewhere, anywhere but here. I feel sick.

But this medicine, I’m really hoping it will help me. I can’t handle it anymore.

Today I found out that apparently I have family who live in Holland. They are coming up in August, and we are going to have a family reunion.

That means seeing a bunch of my family that I haven’t seen in months, years even. Including the cousin.

Wish me luck?