Learning to Admit it to Myself
People say that the first step towards recovery is admitting that something is wrong. I completely agree. Why? Because who is going to take action towards recovering from something they don’t even believe they have? No body. I finally told myself that something is going on.
I have an eating disorder.
It’s not anorexia. It’s not bulimia. It’s called EDNOS, which stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
What exactly is EDNOS? It’s an eating disorder that meets some criteria for anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating. It may include other symptoms, such as:
- constantly checking calorie/fat/sugar count, or other nutritional information
- excessively exercising
- can’t voluntarily stop eating
- deny hunger
- weighing yourself constantly
- feel guilty/ashamed for eating
- hair loss/thinning of hair
- loss of body heat
- irregularities in menstrual cycle
- eat until you feel uncomfortably full
- don’t eat in front of others
Currently, I deal with multiple on that list. I check the calorie count on most foods, I watch my weight and calorie loss. I tell people I may not be hungry when I am, even though sometimes I’m truly not hungry. Often times, I’m unhappy about the foods I eat. I am literally always cold, I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, my stomach will hurt after eating.
I believe that I am working on this. I am checking calorie counts less each day, and told a friend that she should always have me eat something, even if it’s a handful of grapes. I don’t use the bathroom in my house with a scale, as I want to check my weight each time I see it.
All of my life, I’ve been a picky eater, eating small portions of food. But I haven’t had the other symptoms until recently. If you ever see me, while others are eating, please make sure I eat something. You will be helping me.
I don’t mean this as a way of getting attention. Sure, I would love for people to truly ask me how I am doing. But this is a way for me to get out my feelings without being scared. Writing on here is helping me. Through this, I’ve been opening up without speaking in person. I believe that soon, I will be able to talk face to face. But for now, it’s hard. Thank you, anxiety.
And to anyone who may be suffering from an eating disorder or any type of mental illness, it will get better. Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.