Fade Into You
Sunday morning sleep sits in the corner of my eyes as I try to comprehend that the sun is actually up. Taking a deep breath and stretching, I realize it is a new day and I made it through the night.
The last couple of days have been spent obsessing about things that I can’t change. Moments that were lost because I wasn’t quick enough on my feet to say something different. My heart yells at me to do something, yet I find myself still laying here thinking about you.
Music plays in the background as I start my morning routine. Checking text messages, looking at how many emails I need to ignore or delete, talking to the cats and finally staring at myself in the mirror for my morning talk.
A song comes on, it used to be one I listened to quite often but now it leaves me feeling sad and empty. The memories that are associated with it are ones that I want to forget. Skipping the song, I find myself staring back at myself in the mirror.
Today, is a new day. My voice is deep, sounding like I used to when I would smoke 2 packs of cigarettes at the club the night before. My cats are rounding up for the morning meeting as they sit on the counter, in the sink and on the toilet waiting for me to finish my talk to feed them. Sometimes, if I’m lucky they will chime in on my meetings encouraging me to hurry the fuck up.
This morning’s meeting is cut short. I can’t find the motivation to finish my pep talk as my mind is flooded with more thoughts.
I am trying to have patience with myself. I have once again let myself down as it pertains to my heart. I was minding my own business when you came into my life. Under the circumstances, I didn’t think anything of it and then I started to feel.
It had been quite some time since I’ve felt these kinds of emotions. I’m usually good at putting a pillow over my head to ignore them to let them subside, but as I tried to ignore them they got stronger. These feelings, that I don’t want to feel are now in front of me. Washing over me every few minutes to remind me that they won’t go away.
To ensure that they wouldn’t grow, I did everything I could to walk away, from you, from the feelings and now, now I find myself daydreaming. About you, with vivid details that I etched in my mind.
My thoughts play out like a movie trailer. Always dramatic and playing the best scenes. The story line being woman meets woman, woman catches feelings for unavailable woman, woman walks away to save her heart and to avoid embarrassment. I wish I could rewrite this but it’s always the same.
I’m laughing at myself as I am actually admitting to the embarrassment that I cause for myself. I was never taught the correct ways of courting someone. Is that even a thing these days? I’ve learned to either ignore the shit out of people, purposely put myself in the friend zone because, why not or the embarrassing part is to be completely awkward and make the whole situation extremely uncomfortable. I know you know what I’m talking about. Where as an outsider, you are watching it and cringing wanting it to end for everyone involved.
I make things worse in these situations because I also have a habit of being attracted to people who are unavailable for whatever reason. And there are always reasons. Maybe because it’s easier that way. Maybe it’s because I have the subtle message in my head that I don’t deserve someone who is amazing and who would actually care about me as I care about them. Who can meet me emotionally and mentally.
And yet, I find myself in the same place. Over thinking things that I can’t change or don’t have the courage to. Gearing myself up for another week of throwing myself into work so I don’t have to feel this.
It’s easier that way.
At least this is what I keep telling myself.
