Falling up

Coffee slides down my parched throat washing away the disruptive dreams that have stained themselves on to my vocal cords as I woke up. The past few nights have been rough as I process through emotions that I’ve kept locked down.

In order for me to move forward, I need to let go of what holds me captive.

I keep telling myself I need to have patience. With everyone, but mostly myself.

My heart has been shattered in what seemed like a jigsaw puzzle that is over 5000 pieces. The thought of sitting down and trying to make sense of it all is overwhelming and careless.

I have always been one to put my partner first. To ensure my partner is taken care of in all the ways that they need. Even if it means that I deplete myself in all the ways I know how to nurture, to love and to be my authentic self.

I thought this time it would be different. I thought I had all the tools to be able to sustain a mature and loving relationship that would last through the ages.

But I was wrong.

The circumstances that found us, publicly and violently attacked us to the point where we were rendered unconscious.

To ourselves, to each other, to our relationship.

We kept trying to pick up the pieces, but the foundation was savagely attacked and broke apart in ways that I never knew it could crumble.

I don’t know how to fix this.

I tried to find solutions for us. To fix us, to fix this, our relationship that I put so much heart sweat into.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized, our unconsciousness was a defense. A defense to protect ourselves. It was our oblivious coping that got us to this point. And as we walk away from the ruins, I look at you differently.

For the first time I can say, I needed you to protect me.

And because the vilification was so convulsive, you couldn’t. It was also when I learned that, you would of never been able to protect me as you were never taught the skills to protect yourself, let alone protect someone else.

However, what was uncovered was that as I tried to protect you, and in the end I lost myself.

We have continued to walk the path that we initially set up for ourselves years ago, but if anyone were to look past the screen we hold up for public viewing, we haven’t been together on that path since the day we were shown in its truest form, what peoples hate can do.

Tears fall from my eyes as the coffee coats my throat. It’s cold now as I’ve been staring out the window, still searching for answers in the bright blue sky that is cloudless.

The only answer left, is for me to let go. Let go of the pieces that are now memories that I hold so tightly in my hand and in my heart. And start looking for the pieces of my heart that I may be able to still salvage.

Find the corner pieces that could possibly be a guide for someone else, who happens to be a puzzle master, to come in and help me or teach me how to put it back together.

Until then, I am slowly searching for all the pieces, pulling them out of the vacuum cleaner, the garbage and packed boxes in order to sit down and do the work that has been needed for so long.

Warming up my coffee, I keep telling myself, do what you’ve always been taught to do. Hold onto those memories as they will be the next patches to add to my quilt of life. Stand strong in the face of heart ache.

Everything will be fine.

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