Blurry image of sneakers

Finding my way Part II

Sitting in the parked car, I looked out the window as the driver light her pipe. She inhaled and held it for a few seconds blowing it out with a heavy and deep cough. The smoke splashed up against the window coming back to smack me in the face.

“Wanna hit?” She asked

I raised my hand motioning no. I continued to look out the window, wondering if this was the life I was going to lead. I was 16.

I had just been kicked out of the house yet again for challenging my mom and her rules. She was so strict, often times I would become destructive when all I really wanted was to be home. My friend Judy had come to get me on this round with my mom.

We sat in an empty parking lot that looked out onto the main road. Cars would drive by ignoring the little car with its lights off. Judy continued to smoke until she laid her head back to finally relax from all the coughing. I sat there now staring ahead wishing I wasn’t such a fuck up. The band on the radio was Green Day. Judy turned up the song. She sat back and melted into her ripped up leather seat. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes. I poked around my pockets for my zippo. Finding it, I pulled it out and lit my cigarette. I passed the pack over to Judy.

We sat there for a while waiting until her high leveled out and she could function enough to drive. As we sat there my pager went off. I looked at the numbers on the screen. I pulled the pager off my belt loop and showed it to Judy. She nodded and put the cigarette in her mouth and started the car. The page was from a friend, letting us know she was off of work and that we could come over.

Driving over to our friends house, Judy drove down the residential streets like we were in a bobsled. Twisting and turning taking corners way to fast. There was no snow on the ground but the way she drove you wouldn’t know the difference. Pulling up to the house, she turned the lights off and slowly and quietly parked the car in the drive way. We got out closing the doors quietly and went to the side door that led to our friends basement room/apartment.

It’s always interesting when you grow up in an affluent suburban town. You find that most of your friends have money and luxuries that you don’t always get afforded. The perfect example was this friend who had her own basement apartment which her parents built for her so she could have her own space. This quickly became our hangout.

Once in the basement my friend looked at me. I looked down and she knew, I was kicked out again.

“For someone who has such a cool mom you sure get kicked out a lot.” She said throwing me a pillow and some blankets.

She has saved my ass a few times, letting me crash when Mom and I weren’t on good terms.

“Is she changing the locks?” She asked

“Probably by tomorrow, I swear she has stock on locks the way she changes them.” I said fixing my corner of the room on a small mattress which is where I would be sleeping.

Judy stayed for a few hours. We sat, smoked and gossiped about what all was happening at school. Who was dating who and who had the best weed hookup for the weekend. As I participated in the gossiping, my mind often wandered to other places. I found myself wondered if I was just the girl who everyone hung out with because they felt bad for me or if they actually wanted me around.

Falling asleep to dream and escape, I always woke up in a puddle of sweat as I would play out in detail what my funeral would look like. Reminding myself that it wasn’t that long ago that it almost came true.