NBA Stars & Their Movie Doppelgängers
As I become profoundly lost in the depths of what my fellow millennials call “fun-employment”, I tend to use my time exploring the expansive universe of shower thoughts. Check out r/showerthoughts on Reddit if you need some examples. Today as I was bathing, deep in a blank gaze, jousting with the existentialism that partners post-graduation, I stumbled into a pocket of space that was rather interesting.
Sorry, I meant interesting to me.
If the careers of NBA players and movie stars were compared, which actors and athletes would be peculiarly similar?
Before I begin this high quality shit post of the NBA off season, I would like to express that I have no professional knowledge of either the National Basketball Association or the movie industry. My sources simply rely on my IMDB-like ability to know which actors, or actresses, are in which movie, respectively, at light speed. Seriously, I’m pretty fucking good. If you combine that awful excuse for a superpower with a die hard Lakers fan since 2001, you get an odd mix of expertise. Consider me the Holden Caulfield of this specific topic, you phonies.
Either way, let’s get to the meat and bones of this bitch. And if you’re going to start comparing talent to talent then you have to start at the top.
Michael Jordan & Marlon Brando.
Yeah, the GOAT of basketball is comparable to the GOAT of acting. Duh. Michael Jordan won six championships with the Chicago Bulls and he never went to a Game 7 in the Finals. He’s OG, Triple OG. Marlon Brando has been nominated for 8 Academy Awards for best acting and won twice. He is unbelievably super believable in his films. There is no competition with these two. They are both absolutely genius in their respective bodies of work. Their presence is legendary and both have the ability to capture the eyes of millions. I mean, have you seen Space Jam?! Haha.
But the comparisons don’t simply start and end at, “Oh, they were both crazy good.” They were also both notorious for being assholes.
Jordan punched Steve Kerr, his own teammate, in the face at practice because he wasn’t getting calls. He called Muggsy Bogues a “fucking midget” during the first round of the 1995 playoffs. He even made sweet ole Kwame Brown cry because he was awful at basketball. Which he definitely was, but still!
Brando, on the other hand, was extremely difficult to work. Whilst working on The Score, he never took direction from the director, Frank Oz, because he worked on The Muppets. He used to tease Oz, calling him ‘Fozzy’ throughout the set. He would wear an earpiece during scenes so someone could tell him his lines as they were shooting. And that was all just one film! I can’t imagine what else he has done to people.
LeBron James & Leonardo Dicaprio.
These two are generational talents. I don’t think I need to elaborate on how good they are. If you really don’t believe me, just Google it. I dare you.
However, what makes them comparable is their longevity, especially starting at such an early age. LeBron was crowned the “King” even before he made it to the NBA. He came straight out of high school dunking on grown ass men. Hell, I don’t think there is any age in Bron-Bron’s entire life that there would be a chance that I, a sort of athletic 22 year old standing at 5'8, could beat him in a one on one. Even if he was a baby, I still might give him 60:40 odds winning. He was probably born with abs and a receding hair line. In his rookie season, he was already averaging 20/5/5. In his fourth year, he led that trash Cavaliers team to the NBA Finals. Pretty much, the dude was created by the basketball version of Zeus.
As for Dicaprio, he had the same exact trajectory, except movie mega-star version. After appearing on a few television sitcoms, he landed a role on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. At 19 years old, Leo had to portray Arnie, a mentally disabled kid living with his dysfunctional family, and you know what? He nailed it. If your heart did not ache in the scene when Johnny Depp forgot homeboy in the bathtub by himself, you are made from ice and I hate you. Dicaprio ended up getting a Oscar nod for that perfomance and he has been slaying ever since. Hi Rihanna. Look at his track record: Basketball Diaries, Titanic, Gangs of New York, Catch Me If You Can, The Aviator, The Departed, Blood Diamond, Shutter Island, Inception, Django Unchained, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Revenant.
Like c’mon dog. *Randy Jackson voice*
In my opinion, Dicaprio hasn’t had any bad movies just like how Lebron hasn’t had any bad seasons.
Derrick Rose & Johnny Depp
Okay, for my last comparison, I have to make it clear that I absolutely love these guys. After Kobe, Derrick Rose in his prime was one of my favorite players to watch. While Johnny Depp is still one of my favorite actors ever. They both had great starts to their careers but, Jesus, what happened?
First, Derrick Rose.
In Rose’s rookie year, he won ROY and led the Bulls to the playoffs where they played the single most intense professional basketball seriesI have ever witnessed against the super team Celtics. The year after, he was the first Bulls player to be selected to the All Star game since Michael Jordan in ’98. The year after that, he was crowned the league MVP over LeBron James. The next season, he tore his ACL. DAMN.
Now lets look at Depp.
His first major film was A Nightmare on Elm Street. That’s a pretty solid start. After Platoon & Cry Baby, Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands rocketed Johnny towards stardom. His performance in Ed Wood with Martin Landau (R.I.P.) is a personal favorite. Then, Depp stuns you by playing an undercover FBI agent infiltrating the mafia in Donnie Brasco, a humorously drugged out Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, infamous George Jung in Blow, and Captain Jack Sparrow in the first Pirates. He got an Oscar nod for portraying a drunk, eyeliner wearing Pirate, bro. Two more nods for Finding Neverland and Sweeney Todd. Johnny Depp was a superstar. Then something happened (drugs? yeah probably drugs) and he tore his movie ACL.
Ever since those ACL tears, literally or metaphorically, Derrick Rose has been in and out of injuries as often as Depp has been in and out of shitty movies. They both have shown glimpses of their former selves, like parts of Rose’s Knicks seasons and Depp in Black Mass, but nothing that amounts up to their respective potential.
Update: Derrick Rose is signing with the Cavaliers.
Hey! If my hypothesis is correct, we might get a good Johnny Depp movie this year. Only time will tell.
Well, anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for humoring me. If you like this piece for some reason, I might do a Deniro/Pacino & Magic/Bird comparison. But for now, I bid you adieu. Much love.
