I Hate My Smartphone
Confessions of a Defective Millennial
This essay is dedicated to all of the flip phones out there in dumpsters, recycling centers, and dusty drawers. You are disconnected but not forgotten.
I have to preface this by saying I don’t intend for it to sound preachy. It’s not a vengeful rant but a mournful soliloquy. It’s also not to be taken too seriously. I love technology, but I really do miss my flip phone. A lot. #RIPtheFlip
Born in 1996, I’m a prime example of the #Millennial generation. I grew up surrounded by technology as computers got smaller, phones got smarter, and the Internet got bigger. I’ve lived through metal, boy bands, emo, and dubstep. I remember dial-up and boot sequences, but I had a cell phone before I got to middle school*. Yet, unlike the majority of my computerized compatriots, I miss the more ancient equivalents of quite a few modern products. Namely, my phone.
*I apologize if mentioning middle school brings up traumatic memories of hormones and/or bad haircuts. I’ll put a trigger warning next time.
While I never had a bag phone, my cell phones ran the gamut of flip phone, slide phone, and now iPhone*. I have to say, while I did enjoy the convenience of a physical keyboard on the slide, flip phones* have been my favorite means of telecommunication. The biggest appeal, though, was its simplicity. My phone accepted calls and SMS text messages. That was enough for me, and having delved into the ocean of apps available on smartphones, I must say I miss that simplicity.
*Don’t any of you dare tell me to try an Android. I hate those too.
*Face it, you loved snapping your flip phone shut to hang up. It was an amazing feeling.
What was once limited to two communicative functions now has multiple apps for text-based communication alone, from Slack to GroupMe to iMessage. It doesn’t end there, though. You can use a dozen other apps for voice calls, or kick it up a notch and add video with Skype and FaceTime. Want the ability to send embarrassing pics or videos that self-destruct almost instantly? Try SnapChat. It’s the drunk-texter’s best friend. Or enemy. You decide*. I don’t understand how anyone keeps up with all of them. I have 997 unread notifications glaring at me from their little red icons, gleaming like the eyes of a hungry demon that can only be sated by checking my phone with the hyperattentive fervor of an internet addict. I can’t even manage to read all of the emails coming into my five primary email addresses**.
*J A Fields, is in no way responsible for adverse circumstances that arise from the use of SnapChat under the influence of alcohol, including but not limited to: public humiliation, social exile, loss of platonic, familial, and/or romantic relationship(s), serious injury, or death. By reading this document, you agree to indemnify and hold harmless J A Fields, his associates, heirs, & assignees of all claims in perpetuity.
**I actually have closer to 15 email addresses, but I almost never check the rest.
Not only do I fail to keep up with the onslaught of notifications pouring into my phone like a torrential, digital rainstorm, I don’t respond very quickly. I keep my phone on vibrate 24/7 and I don’t check it after 2200* every night. It might take me up to 72 hours to respond to something that isn’t ~urgent~ or up to a week if it’s a more social message. If it’s school or business related, I usually respond within six hours.
*Okay, I’d like to say I put it away, but I usually sneak a few more glances before midnight.
**Yes, I use military time. Get over it.
By now you’re problably wondering, “Why don’t you get a flip phone? No one’s forcing you to use an iPhone,” but that’s where you’re wrong. I tried using a flip phone all the way into my Freshman year of college* but by my Sophomore year, I had an iPhone 4S** because, believe it or not, text messages won’t deliver properly to a flip phone anymore. Roughly 30% of my messages would open without a hitch. The other 60% would bear the message “EXPIRED OR NOT AVAILABLE” and I never could open them. That was a bit of a problem when trying to coordinate group projects or find out what I missed in a class I couldn’t attend. I actually tried going back to my flip phone at one point. It lasted less than a month because I COULDN’T READ ANY MESSAGES. iMessage ~literally~ ruined my life.
*Do you realize how difficult it is to be required to download 479 different apps for school if you have a flip phone? Fun Fact: YOU CAN’T!
**The 4S was already outdated and being maliciously slowed down by the time I started using it. Thanks Apple.
By now, you’re perhaps wondering what the morale of this story is. If there is one, it might be that we should think about the impact smartphones have on us. They make us more efficient and keep us connected, yet simultaneously distract and isolate us. A phone gives you the power to keep up with work or school from home or to play games and check social media at work. We can stay in touch with people we don’t see, but we’re too distracted to pay attention to the people we do see. Generations constantly argue about whether constant connectivity is a blessing or a curse, but the truth is both.
Mobile devices are a double edged sword that works both for and against us every day. I fully believe that mobile devices can be an invaluable asset in the right hands, but not everyone’s hands are right for the asset. Personally, I’m less effective with a smartphone than without, because I find it so distracting and overwhelming to have so many streams of information coming at me at all times. Unfortunately, not having a smartphone is no longer an option available to me. The ability to choose between traditional mobile phones and smartphones has all but evaporated as technology progresses. In order to minimize the negative effects my iPhone has on me, I’ve taken an approach similar to coping with lifelong illness.
I have a chronic and incurable brain condition that causes severe headaches, loss of vision, and memory loss. Essentially, my brain doesn’t fit inside my skull, and that’s not ideal. In 2009, I had brain surgery to minimize intracranial pressure and relieve some of the effects it caused. Now, I manage the symptoms with a plethora of pills*, but it still has an impact on my quality of life.
*I even have one of those neat little pill organizers that your grandparents use.
My approach to minimizing my smartphone woes is very similar. First, I turned off my ringer. I don’t think I’ve actually ever had my current phone’s ringer set to “on.” Next, I set a curfew on my phone. At 2200, my phone is set to silence all notifications, unless someone calls three times in a row*. I also plug it in just out of arm’s reach from my bed, so I won’t be tempted to stay up scrolling through emails. I’ve also begun deleting apps that I don’t absolutely need. Facebook was the first thing to go. I’m even considering dropping Instagram in favor of a third-party desktop app.
*Three missed calls is my distress signal, and I’ve left important meetings because someone decided to spam me with dozens of short texts, which feels very similar to repeated calls on vibrate. Don’t be that guy.
Limiting myself like this has had a powerful impact on my ability to stay focused and be productive. Most noticeably, I get more sleep at night. I’ve been able to lower the dosage of my sleeping pills and take them less frequently. I’m less agitated, as well. Now that I’m seeing less notifications in the evenings, I’m able to spend more time relaxing, reading, and watching Netflix. I still check my phone too often and spend too much time getting sucked down that digital rabbit hole, but I’m in a better place than I was before I started managing my phone use.
If you’re also struggling with the mobile mayhem of today’s digital culture, some of these strategies may be able to help you the way they’ve helped me. Our society is barreling forward through the mobile-first era toward a mobile-only era, so the situation isn’t going to get any easier to handle, and, until Silicon Valley updates older phones to reliably receive messages from smartphones*, we’re going to have to adapt to use the infernal things, no matter how much some of us may wish we didn’t have to.
*They definitely won’t do that. Silicon Valley does what Silicon Valley thinks is cool, whether anyone likes it or not, because they’re a bunch of stuck up hipsters drinking overpriced coffee and craft beer.
TL;DR: I’m a 45 year old living in the body of a 21 year old and smartphones give me anxiety. Please excuse me while I weep over the loss of my beloved flip phone and listen to Dean Martin records.
P.S. Is there a thesaurus for emojis? I don’t understand this strange language of Wal*Mart smileys and eggplants.
