The Home

The intimate relationship(s) you have or want to have. The quality of your relationships. Your home life and relationships with family members.

Status

This year has been a year of dichotomies. While I’ve spent the most time physically apart from my parents and partners, I’ve also been able to have the intimate and, at times, fulfilling conversations with them. On the other hand, I’ve also spent more time in the homes of my siblings and BFF than ever before, which also yielded engaging conversations (though that was more expected).

The Good Stuff

This year, I moved out and proved my hypotheses (something like distance makes the heart grow fonder) in the process. While the number of interactions have steeply decreased (to some complaint!), the quality of conversation has significantly improved — and fewer spats as well!

I think a lot of factors are at play here, but one that I feel most acutely is a sort of changing position within the family structure; it seems like I’m finally shedding the “baby sister” identity. I guess it’s more of a zero / one thing, you’re either a kid or you’re a grownup. And when you’re on the grownup table, all sorts of topics emerge, many that you’ve never even glimpsed.

It’s also possible that it’s a collision of factors, including the states and stages that other family members are at, the challenges they’re facing (and the extent to which I have had relevant experiences), and my personality (my ability to relate and delve into key issues).

This year, somewhat unintentionally (and perhaps ironically), I seem to have come to enjoy family time more. There were several things that I can point to:

• I travelled out to meet both of my siblings this year — I don’t think that has ever happened before.
• An increased appreciation of extended family gatherings
  I wonder where this came from. Maybe just being away from home accentuates the warmth of family connection.
• Another reason for the above, perhaps, is introducing my partner to the whole family this year (which has gone quite well, better than I would have imagined) — adds a new variable to family gatherings
• This was also the year where I really perceived the ageing of parents and grandparents. Perhaps the awareness of frailty contributes to greater gratitude for what is still intact.

Analysis

Mistakes and plan changes

While I’ve painted a rosy picture, I think this year was actually quite challenging for some family and close friends. I often found myself in the position of mediating, facilitating conversation, coordinating meetings and communicating information amongst several parties.

While, on the one hand, I was surprised at how un-emotionally reactive I was in most contexts, it also occurred to me, at times, that I probably was not in the best position to be playing some of these roles. Sometimes I felt that I was ineffective, and often I would want to discuss how to do better, but felt that there were few people who had enough contextual understanding to be helpful.

My best guess is to find a third-party mediator, say a counsellor, who would be better equipped to help. I’ve made some progress on this, but I think effectiveness, uptake and costs are key concerns, and I hope to address them (at least in part) in the coming year.

Insights

• Help the people I love suffer less.
  I think reducing suffering to a baseline threshold is a prerequisite for anything else (e.g. realizing potential, as my life philosophy would suggest).
• I’m probably not the best person for the job, at least not on my own (no relevant training, conflict of interest), so I probably need to get external help.
• And ultimately, I guess it’s also my autonomy. I want to be able to live my life, but as long as loved ones are suffering, I will carry some degree of worry and guilt in the background.

Pains

• Counsellor cost
• How to tell whether a counsellor will be effective? Or whether they’re worth the cost?
• Not knowing what the right thing to do is

What I’m excited about

1. Enable good conversation

• A (at least partial) family gathering for my 30th, where I hope to facilitate some long-awaited conversations
• Possibly a trip to Japan with sibling family and partner?
• Continue to do regular meetups and checkins with parents and siblings
• Weekly and bi-weekly chats with partner and closest friend(s)
• Learn more about counselling, coaching and facilitation — mainly to prevent necessarily turmoil, and perhaps make me more patient / sympathetic in situations that annoy me (inevitable when it comes to family)