An Exceptionally Distinctive Guest Experience

JULY 12th, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

We met Monday night at The Rockefeller Grille, where I personally serviced you with an Exceptionally Distinctive Guest Experience, or E.D.G.E., during your visit. I cannot begin to express my profound gratitude for having E.D.G.E.’d you, and on behalf of The Rockefeller Grille: A Darben Restaurant — I hope the E.D.G.E. felt good. I E.D.G.E. all my guests, Mr. Reggiardo, but what I am trying to communicate is that I E.D.G.E.’d you extra hard.

Moreover, Mr. Reggiardo, I hope I certified your P.E.D.s (Personal Expectation Desires) regarding the S.A.R.S (Service, Atmosphere, Restrooms, Steaks). It is the privilege of each Darben Employee to activate their C.O.R.E. (Cloak of Relished Eminence) in pursuit of the perfect E.D.G.E.. Perhaps you have H.I.R.D (Honest, Integrity, Respect, Dignity) of Bill Darben, the Founder and CEO of Darben Restaurants? He is the reason my breadbasket brims.

I have attached TWO complimentary coupons for an order of Cadillac Crab Lumpies to be used on your next visit, which I await with the palpable spirit of Bill Darben, who is omnipresent, running through my veins.

All My Love,

Lyle Thomas Mansfield

Darben Servicer Professional Z-2000 Series

The Rockefeller Grille — Midtown Branch

JULY 15th, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

Please completely disregard the tacky, intrusive letter I sent Monday. Understand that as part of my job duties at The Rockefeller Grille: A Darben Restaurant, I am required to write one personalized “E.D.G.E.” letter per shift, or else I do not get my tips. That means that everyday I go into work I have to ask one of my tables for their address and write them a letter, or my funds are withheld. This is why, Mr. Reggiardo, I inappropriately asked for your business card upon presenting the check. You must understand that Darben Restaurants is a Fortune 500 Company that pays its employees $5/hr and demands epistolary composition.


Lyle Thomas Mansfield

JULY 20th, 2016

Dear Mr. Reggiardo.

Really quick: did you get my last letter? The one not written on Darben stationery? I’m only asking because since I mailed it I’ve been getting strange looks from the MPs (Managing Proctors) at The Rockefeller Grille. Would it be textbook paranoia to assume one of them intercepted the letter before you received it? Does Barber have an in with the Postal Service? I have been demoted to the shitty station by the Men’s Room, which always smells of Crab Lumpie vomit. Please write to me and let me know if Darben is interfering with my ability to send mail.


Lyle Thomas Mansfield

JULY 28th, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

I now have confirmation The Rockefeller Grille intercepted my correspondence postmarked July 15th, as I found it carefully tacked to my locker, drizzled with Béarnaise. Eyes are on me from all four corners of the restaurant, Mr. Reggiardo, and I fear not only for my job, but for my life. PLEASE DIAL THE ORLANDO HOTLINE below and ask for Chad Butler, the Regional Admiral. Tell him I E.D.G.E.’d you super hard and that I would never spew blasphemy about The Mighty Vindicator, whose eateries include The Rockefeller Grille, The Pink Lobster, The Olive Bucket and The Olive Bucket Resort & Casino.


ORLANDO HOTLINE 1–800–666–0000

AUGUST 3rd, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

I hope you are enjoying your S.I.P. (Summer of Immense Pleasure) and that your breadbasket brims. My name is Julia Tusk, Senior Managing Proctor for The Rockefeller Grille, Midtown branch. It has come to my understanding that a rogue Servicer who goes by the name of Lyle Thomas Mansfield has been attempting to make contact with you outside of our jurisdiction. Please understand the behavior of Mansfield, AKA Servicer Z-2809, does not reflect the values of CEO/Mighty Vindicator Bill Darben, a man of consummate G.A.S. (Glory And Sacrifice).

We honor and nurture our guests as Bill Darben nurtured us in the incubation stage of our management training; as such, I have personally attached FIVE FREE ORDERS of Cadillac Crab Lumpies to be used on your next visit.

Julia Tusk

Senior Managing Proctor

The Rockefeller Grille — Midtown Branch

AUGUST 16th, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

I am writing to you from a damp, rat-infested cell somewhere in Orlando, on a sheet of rat-skin I peeled off a rat. This is what my life as come to, Mr. Reggiardo: writing on rat-skin. If you were still thinking about calling the Orlando hotline, now would be a good time.


P.S. Bill Darben is stealing my fluids.

OCTOBER 13TH, 2015

Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

Our son Lyle has gone missing. My husband and I just flew in from Phoenix and found your name and address spray-painted along the walls of his apartment, and your company headshot glued to the fridge. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please let us know. We are worried, and confused why your picture is glued to the fridge.

Ellen Mansfield

5697 N. Bell Road

Phoenix, AZ


I do not see the Light of Day

in Rat-Land, only Rats.

Pillars of Rats, and

I Am Their Redeemer.

-The Rat King


Dear Rockefeller Grille,

I received a handful of complimentary Cadillac Crab Lumpie coupons in the mail last summer? I’m driving the kids into the city next week to catch The Rockettes…just wondering if the vouchers will still be valid. Thanks.

Paul Reggiardo

454 Hyacinth Lane

Atlantic City, NJ


Dear Mr. Reggiardo,

Yes! Of course your Cadillac Crab Lumpie vouchers can still be redeemed. I am the Great Redeemer!

Bill Darben

CEO Darben Restaurants, Orlando, FL