Jake Kilroy
Aug 8, 2018 · 10 min read
  1. Sandra Bullock’s work ethic is like that of a small, hypnotized animal (with curves you wouldn’t believe).
  2. When she won a Razzie for her performance in All About Steve, Sandra Bullock actually showed up to accept it. Have you ever done that?
  3. Sandra Bullock’s smile is magic. It’s transformative. Elegant. White as an ASU sorority girl’s bare ass in snow.
  4. Sandra Bullock’s a freakin’ Oscar-winner, bro.
  5. Sandra Bullock’s done not one, but TWO movies with Keanu Reeves. And on a scale of 1–10, both were amazing.
  6. We can safely assume Sandra Bullock doesn’t get morning breath, and if she does, she’s very open and humorous about it.
  7. Sandra Bullock likely wouldn’t depend on sex toys, but the discussion regarding their involvement would be ever-present on the table. She, like all of us, agrees they make for a healthy sex life if so desired.
  8. Sandra Bullock has donated $1 million to Red Cross…four times! You’ve probably never done that once, ya cheap bitch.
  9. Sandra Bullock owns Bess Bistro and Walton’s Fancy & Staple in Austin, Texas. But she doesn’t hype her involvement; she wants them to stand on their own small-business merit — like a true American (or the fantasy of an American).
  10. Sandra Bullock’s dated both McConaughey and Gosling. Can you top that? No. No, you cannot. All your dongage is low-grade.
  11. Sandra Bullock speaks fluent German and is likely an unbelievable delight at Oktoberfest celebrations.
  12. Sandra Bullock looks amazing in all colors, but especially any of them.
  13. Like an angel, Sandra Bullock plays the piano. And she’s done so since she was 8 years old. Remember how your life is just some bullshit void the universe shits into and has been forever?
  14. Sandra Bullock takes her parents to movie premieres. If you don’t think that’s cute, your heart is 110% flaccid.
  15. Sandra Bullock survived a freakin’ plane crash. No big deal. Oh wait, YES, IT TOTALLY GODDAMN IS.
  16. Sandra Bullock’s a certified diver. But she’s also certified perfect.
  17. Sandra Bullock can legitimately dance flamenco, salsa, and tango in your arms…if they were ever lucky enough to get near the magnum opui she calls hips.
  18. Sandra Bullock directed a film — a short called Making Sandwiches, which we all love doing. Hopefully, it was a documentary.
  19. If Sandra Bullock had been in Pulp Fiction, the movie would’ve been that much cooler.
  20. Sandra Bullock straight up brought the ruckus in Crash!
  21. Sandra Bullock was thrown into a pool by prankster-ass George Clooney and any-stunt-sure Tom Cruise at Joel Schumacher’s birthday party in 2000. DID YOU READ THAT SENTENCE? READ IT AGAIN. It’s not like some jock crush bounced her eighth-grade ass into the shallow end at a barbecue.
  22. Sandra Bullock opened a burger joint in California as well as a long-term, fiscally responsible place in all of our hearts.
  23. Sandra Bullock was a cheerleader in high school, and it’s safe to assume she was chill to the geeks.
  24. Sandra Bullock was homecoming princess in college. Who was aware they even did that? Well, they do. For Sandy.
  25. Sandra Bullock made her first stage appearance in an opera at age 5. Remember how you were still wetting the bed at age 5 like some sewered dweeb?
  26. You can always daydream about Sandra Bullock because she’s so approachable. Maaaan, in those dreams, you can take her to the symphony or to Taco Bell or wherever. It’s your dream!
  27. Sandra Bullock probably thinks nachos are dope.
  28. Sandra Bullock was bullied in school for wearing frumpy clothes, so why don’t you just lay off, okay?
  29. Sandra Bullock danced ballet as a little girl. If you can think of anything more adorable than that, you’re some kind of sentient being with a godlike imagination.
  30. Sandra Bullock was voted “Most Likely to Brighten Up Your Day” by her high school class because DUH, OBVIOUSLY, OF COURSE.
  31. Sandra Bullock put Hugh Grant in his place in Two Weeks Notice like a boss, which is ironic if you’ve seen the film. If you haven’t, keep making bad choices, idiot.
  32. Sandra Bullock played Harper Lee, who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, which we all loved, because that book is amazing, so feel free to thank her.
  33. Sandra Bullock’s father is her manager. Did you squeal because of its cuteness? DO IT AGAIN, YA HEARTLESS WHIRLWIND.
  34. Oh my god, could you imagine Sandra Bullock in A League of Their Own?
  35. Sandra Bullock’s skin is smoother than the surface of Europa. You didn’t get that? Okay, so the moon is covered in frozen water, so…you know what? Nevermind. Sandy would’ve understood it.
  36. Sandra Bullock was considered for both the roles of Lois Lane and Wonder Woman because she lives in Baller City, Population: Sandy.
  37. Sandra Bullock could probably smoke weed without getting all let’s-have-a-three-hour-conversation-about-the-end-of-the-world-and-how-we’ll-all-be-in-heavy-metal-desert-gangs weird once she got high.
  38. Can you even imagine the trifecta balance of hot and funny and rad when Sandra Bullock’s drunk? Unreal. And on New Year’s Eve with champagne? *gaaaaaaaaaasp*
  39. Sandra Bullock’s most likely on track to become an honorary member of Wu-Tang Clan. RZA seems to be increasingly open-minded with each passing season and he was already dope to begin with.
  40. Sandra Bullock will likely be the first human to time travel. But she’d never boast about it. Hell, maybe she’s already done it!
  41. Sandra Bullock’s grandpa was a rocket scientist, and she was in Gravity. Her family’s better than that of any American president’s.
  42. Sandra Bullock’s probably the best little spoon ever. But she’d be the best big spoon too, if that were your preference. She likely invented the spork hybrid cuddle move too.
  43. Sandy’s wedding guests included everyone from William Shatner to the Hells Angels. Who was at your wedding? A bunch of nobodies? Oh, that’s just classic you.
  44. Sandra Bullock was a waitress in New York City, which is probably why she’s so calm and understanding. Damn, she’s funny too, right?
  45. Sandra Bullock probably agrees The Wire is the best drama since the turn of the century, but that’s only because she’s not currently on a television show, which she wouldn’t even choose because she has more humility than you or anyone or God/Goddess (or whatever the Divine Whatever-Whosit’s name is).
  46. The only sex tape Sandra Bullock has is fictional from the ‘90s sitcom Action, where she played a hilarious version of herself, because she’s so humble and self-aware and you’re a couch potato.
  47. Sandra Bullock would totally pick you up if you were drunk to make sure you got home safely, and she wouldn’t even start that “You know, I was already in bed…” lecture shit.
  48. Sandra Bullock’s hugs are likely perfectly timed.
  49. Sandra Bullock designed special seatbelts for her dogs, Ruby and Poppy, so they could safely ride in her car. There’s no joke here. She did that and it’s seriously visionary.
  50. Sandra Bullock assumedly engages in delightful and friendly conversation at Thanksgiving without seeming like she’s forced into it.
  51. By all accounts, Sandra Bullock would just have to be the best Secret Santa ever, right?
  52. No way Sandra Bullock ever gets gassy after burritos. Have you seen that ass? It’s perfect, inside and out.
  53. Sandra Bullock’s probably the right balance of good yet not uncomfortably great at karaoke.
  54. Sandra Bullock was the first woman to carry a film past $200 million. You know who never did that? Maya Angelou, Hilary Clinton, Eve (the rapper), Eve (the biblical character), the list goes on!
  55. Sandra Bullock is aging like she struck a deal with the Devil, but she’d never do that because she’s twice as crafty as that dickhead.
  56. Sandra Bullock knows how to stay relaxed. She’s brought a Chinese herbalist and an acupuncturist to set to keep her castmates comfortable and soothed. That’s classic Sandy, always thinking of others.
  57. Sandra Bullock’s teeth look like they’re carved from the everlasting bones of health-nut angels.
  58. Sandra Bullock used to be a bartender. She probably knows how to make anything and wouldn’t even roll her eyes when your aunt orders one of those specialty mojitos she’s so very questionably fond of.
  59. Sandra Bullock could easily create a polynomial in one variable “x” for which the natural numbered values of “x” will exactly yield the prime numbers.
  60. Sandra Bullock could probably effectively sing REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by heart and have a cute story about why she knows all the words.
  61. Sandra Bullock would always have a few suggestions whenever someone asked where they should eat, instead of enduring the infinite loop conversation that is so entirely avoidable.
  62. Sandra Bullock would totally own up to hogging the bed if she did, but she wouldn’t because she’d be the one person in the world who legitimately only takes up exactly their 50%.
  63. Sandra Bullock vowed to never participate in a musical. She says it’s because she hates them, but it’s secretly because she doesn’t want to show anyone up.
  64. Sandra Bullock would never put “I like to have fun” in a dating profile, which is objectively the dumbest thing to put ever. Even serial killers have fun.
  65. Freakin’ Robert Duvall taught Sandy how to salsa dance! How badass is that? And we can pretty much assume the mystics beyond in the multiverse were the ones who taught her how to make the most delicious salsa.
  66. Sandra Bullock was once the celebrity monarch in the Krewe of Orpheus Mardi Gras parade, invited by Harry Connick, Jr. Yeah, the guy that makes anyone’s heart and genitals melt. Have you seen Hope Floats?!
  67. It’s doubtful Sandra Bullock is ever that loon who starts a conversation 15 minutes into a 4-hour flight. The woman can provide her own source of entertainment, thank you very much.
  68. All of Sandra Bullock’s political opinions are most assuredly well-reasoned, effectively backed, exquisitely articulated, and properly sourced according to the Chicago Manual Style’s citation.
  69. Sandra Bullock claimed that, if she weren’t an actress, she’d be a romantic novelist. Those books would have been the Harry Potter of adorable (by sheer sales, not cultural dependency).
  70. Sandra Bullock starred in the sitcom version of Working Girl, so it’s safe to assume Friends, Frasier, Home Improvement, and 3rd Rock from the Sun all stole from it.
  71. Sandra Bullock has a scar from falling into a lake and cutting her head on a rock, and you probably didn’t even send flowers, jerk.
  72. Sandra Bullock could survive a 440-decibel blast of sound, and then retell the story at a charity ball without sounding like she’s bragging.
  73. Sandra Bullock probably doesn’t even think Super Mario World’s “Tubular” level is even that hard.
  74. Sandra Bullock likely had a good idea about who shot J.R. from the get-go. On a related note, she would never make outdated pop culture references.
  75. Sandra Bullock probably keeps a clean track record of never having said, “I could care less,” since she of all people knows it’s “I couldn’t care less.” But you should care. You should care big time, you Drano martini.
  76. Sandra Bullock can always pump to an even amount at the gas station, but she chooses not to because she’s practical and wants to fill up her car.
  77. Sandy will one day be the subject of Ken Burns’ greatest work, Sandra Bullock: Why That Sandy Is So Tight, a 400-hour documentary about our leading lady.
  79. Sandra Bullock would probably make you the greatest late-night grilled cheese sandwich if you were to stay over. She might even have tomato bisque too if you’re not all grabby about it. Calm down. Geez.
  80. Sandra Bullock could meet the absolute shit out of her boyfriend’s parents.
  81. The only thing about Sandra Bullock that’s damaged goods are the groceries she spills when she graciously decides to help a stranger at the spur of the moment.
  82. Sandra Bullock’s son’s name is Louis Bardo Bullock, which is so rad.
  83. “Whoever established the high road, and how high it was going to be, should be fired.” Oh, was that Hume? Gandhi? Confucius? That suspiciously wise neighbor you don’t necessarily trust for that very reason? NOPE. BULLOCK.
  84. Sandra Bullock runs her own production company, Fortis Films, with her younger sister. It’s like a cute lemonade stand, except that it’s a super successful company. Stop belittling it.
  85. Sandra Bullock was in the movie Wrestling Ernest Hemingway, which she easily could have done in real life. That dude loved kittens so much, and Sandy’s like a million kittens. Hemingway would’ve just quit.
  86. Sandra Bullock’s been voted one of the “Most Beautiful People,” like, a billion times, and she’s still as humble as a band geek showing slight scholarship promise.
  87. Our darling gal is aging more gracefully than Scottish castles.
  88. Have you seen Sandra Bullock’s legs? They’re like single parents fighting at a local PTA meeting — they just won’t quit.
  89. Sandy’s been nicknamed “America’s Sweetheart” because of how down to earth she is. Whatever she’s doing right now, no doubt she’s being super chill about it and is definitely relatively close to the ground.
  90. Sandra Bullock was named “Woman of the Year” by People and one of the “Most Influential People in the World” by TIME in the same year. This year, we name her our “Perfect Human.”
  91. Men and women want her, women and men want to be her, dogs respect her, aliens think she’s great, dinosaurs would be into her, ghosts would worship her, Heaven misses her — it’s a never-ending parade of adoration.
  92. Remember when everyone went nuts for Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side and all she did was tell charming stories and jokes on the interview circuit?
  93. Sandra Bullock co-wrote the song “Heaven Knocking on my Door,” which she also performed in The Thing Called Love. Add “Musician” to this babe’s never-ending list of talents. DO IT. DO IT NOW. GET THE PEN. NO, THE RED ONE. LOVE. REMEMBER IT.
  94. Yo, that strut in Miss Congeniality? Yeah? Yeah.
  95. Sandra Bullock rightfully gave Sylvester Stallone’s John Spartan shit for not knowing how to use shells as toilet paper in Demolition Man. Punk.
  96. Sandra Bullock has lived in flawless existence since 1964. While you yearly concoct different New Year’s resolutions like a chump, her only resolution is to just keep being/doing Sandy.
  97. The most charming person ever in an action flick? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe SANDRA BULLOCK AS THE DELIGHTFULLY ENGAGING ANNIE PORTER IN SPEED?
  98. Dude, Sandra Bullock’s gonna be the most popular person in the afterlife. If there is one. Its existence hasn’t been proven yet, but if it is proven, it’ll be Sandy who does it.
  99. While You Were Sleeping. That’s all. Nothing more. It’s perfect.
  100. Sandra Bullock has obviously auditioned for the role of Best Person Ever in the project called Existence. Got the role, nailed the part.
  101. Sandra Bullock would never cheat at Wario Stadium in Mario Kart 64.

Jake Kilroy

Written by

Raised by handsome wolves, I mostly write these days. jake.kilroy@gmail.com

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