75 Ideas I Submitted to Cards Against Humanity
3 min readSep 5, 2018
- Recurring wet dreams about my grandmother that are becoming increasingly nuanced
- Vampires who only listen to pop punk
- Bob Dylan’s phone sex line
- Hand jobs from a goth who doesn’t blink
- A buffet of only pizza bagels
- Popcorn-flavored jelly beans
- The lone survivor of a plane crash tontine
- Hungover morning sex on a waterbed
- The first robot dog to hump accurately
- Crazy Town’s “Butterfly”
- A firehose of semen thrashing about like a poisoned snake
- A choir made up of Owen Wilson clones only able to sing the word “wow”
- A convention of little league dads berating their emotionally absent sons
- Emily Dickenson’s vibrator
- Mickey Mouse making a snuff film
- Ecoterrorists just chilling in Hawaiian shirts and listening to Jimmy Buffet
- A candy burrito
- Jesus in jorts
- The Michael Jordan of lying about having a condom
- An IKEA building filled with interconnecting Outback Steakhouses [Author’s Note: This is actually an old joke devised in partnership with Scott Barman.]
- An ASMR podcast of couples at the theater catching each other up after bathroom breaks
- A cursed guitar that only plays The Eagles and only like an overly confident beginner
- Candy cane strap-ons
- A crystal ball with a sewage leak
- The Gallagher brothers falling in love with each other
- Eating ass and dying young
- Roided-out mannequins
- My first pair of boobs back to haunt me
- Ernest Hemingway’s bleached asshole
- Godless Gen Xers
- The Kool-Aid Man on uppers
- Butterfly wings that look like the Mountain Dew logo
- Birthday cake frozen yogurt, candles and all
- Traveling back in time to see how t-rexes did it
- The dying words of Keanu Reeves
- This world’s smallest violin that everyone keeps talking about
- The first human-level AI absolutely killing it on Tinder
- Waterboarding God
- A sleeve of testicles instead of a penis
- The West’s loudest cowboy only yelling about fiscal spending
- A cardboard cutout of the first time I masturbated
- Three bags of Doritos Nacho Cheese and literally no other chips
- A cryptocurrenecy that only lets you invest in MySpace
- Tiny, adorable black holes
- Going to town on yourself so hard that police respond to a noise complaint and rule it a homicide
- Elves going through puberty
- The layer of Hell specifically designated for all the lovers who imagined someone else during oral sex
- Open mic night, no booze allowed
- Dry destination weddings
- A fairy godmother on hallucinogens
- Using all three wishes to lower the price of pistachios
- Having the talk with grandpa on his deathbed
- The only treehouse on a military base
- A shadowy league of assassins who only shoot blanks because they believe in second chances
- Skeletons with erectile dysfunction
- Sacrificing virgins for better weed crops
- An Aaron Sorkin walk-and-talk explaining the difference between furries and bronies
- Macramé lingerie
- Jurassic Park but it’s all reanimated dead presidents, still kept in cages
- My student loans having a body count
- Shrek and he only listens to Sublime now
- A new era of corduroy
- Skinny dipping and accidentally getting river baptized by the local cult’s most handsome reverend
- That mysterious neighborhood cat that can sense emotional trauma
- Gagging at a family reunion
- Making it to the afterlife and finding out Judas is cursed for eternity as simply being Heaven’s greeter
- Getting a tour of Hell, only to find out there’s no gift shop
- Politicians sitting on the sidelines of battle with foam fingers
- Edible poker chips
- A Roger Ebert for anal debuts
- A grayscale aurora borealis that makes everyone hate Earth
- Kanye West believing the story is actually a thinly veiled personal attack in literally any book club
- Sopping wet from the very idea of a Wells Fargo not treating you like shit
- Burning in Hell alone
- Realizing life is just a waiting room with more space and more walls
