A quick guide for when the KKK starts marching in your name

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We’ve all been there. You’re white, you’re hanging out at your private club in New Jersey, or taking a nap in your plane when suddenly your phone starts blowing up with Twitter mentions. You check your phone to see what all the hubbub is about only to find that — yep you guessed it — it’s the KKK marching in your name! Oh brother.

What a mess! Just as you were about to order a massage, you find out that you’re the inspiration for a resurgent racist movement. FML, right? The struggle is real. Your tee time is just a couple hours away, so you gotta figure out a way to wrap up this race riot you inspired real quick. Oh and did I mention it’s Saturday? Ugh you’re dying. You’re tempted to tweet something vague about “many sides” and I get that, but it’s a rookie mistake. See, you don’t actually know what the fuck you’re talking about and your words could be interpreted as extremely ignorant and racist, and that just piles on to your problems. #WhitePeopleProblems

Lucky for you, I’ve created this handy little guide to denouncing a racist attack executed in your name!

  1. Drink some water. You never drink water and your body and brain are garbage. You’re gonna want to be in top form for this. Making a public statement on a racist event can be a doozy for a white guy like you!
  2. Ask one of the experts you’re surrounded by if anything you said could possibly have been interpreted as encouraging of white nationalism. Oh dang! Turns out like a ton of stuff you said was encouraging to the KKK. Jeez Louise!
  3. Have your staff write a statement for you. I get it, it totally seems like you could just stand in front of a camera on live TV and wing it, but you’ll want to have a written statement to make sure you mention key points like how you don’t condone racism and how you don’t want to encourage the KKK and stuff.
  4. Read the statement on TV. Remember in boarding school when you’d take turns reading passages aloud? It’s kind of like that but you get to read the words off a cool high tech screen called a Teleprompter and it’s all live on TV. Cool! You love being on TV!
  5. Wouldn’t it be great if it could end here? The good news is, you’re mostly off the hook. Now all you gotta do is maintain. Have your staff give you a heads up when someone commits a hate crime in your name again. When it happens, scarf down the rest of that Wendy’s Baconator™, wipe the grease off your chin, and get back in front of that camera baby because it’s time for your close up! You’re going to want to reiterate the points you made in the original statement, making sure to be clear that people know you’re not racist.

BONUS PRO TIP: If you are a little racist on the inside (and we know you are because you’re #awkward #fml), it helps to look in the mirror and repeat “racism is bad” over and over until it sounds natural to you. That way, it’ll seem more believable when you say it on TV!