Learning to manage difficult conversations when you fear conflict
Avoiding or delaying a difficult conversation can hurt your relationships and create other negative outcomes. It may not feel natural at first, especially if you dread discord, but you can learn to delve into these tough talks by reframing your thoughts.
I struggle with difficult conversations. I get anxious leading into the conversations, and generally will just ramble on about nothing during the conversations (trust me, not effective). Instead of continuing to struggle I made the decision to attend two workshops (Activate your A game — Dr Cory Middleton & Tough Conversations Feedback That Doesn’t Suck — Georgia Murch). Alongside this, I completed some further research on the topic in an effort to improve (the best links can be found at the bottom of this post). This post is a reflection of lessons learnt, and also a commitment to myself to continue striving to improve in this area.
Difficult conversations are unpleasant, no matter how well versed you are at them — we are human.. we all get anxious, we all have feelings. Whether it upwards, sidewards, downwards it doesn’t get easier. We all have that inner voice telling us when we need to speak up and have these difficult conversations — these conversations that if they took place, would improve life from all angles; but fear drowns our inner voice. Silence is bliss — its something we have been told our entire lives, and sure silence can be a great psychological break from a long, draining day, but silence is not always the answer. In the case of difficult conversations, what’s important is that we don’t stay silent — we speak up with honor, integrity and transparency — as that is what we would expect in return. The words that we don’t speak matter, perhaps even more so than the words that we do speak.
Below is a short, powerful piece from the heart of Clint Smith reflecting on his own failures to tell his truth. I watched this video in Georgia’s workshop and it really resonated with me. Silence is taken as agreement with what you are hearing and seeing. Sometimes what we need to say may be uncomfortable but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. Our voice is powerful, lets use it.
Having difficult conversations
It is precisely at the times when communication is most vital to achieving your goals that it breaks down most dramatically. Personally, I find when the stakes are high, the nerves get the better of me and I loose sight of the end goal. In Georgias workshop, she preached preparation — The more you prepare the less likely you are blank out due to your mind is racing in the moment.
I took Georgias advice onboard and decide to do some further research on the topic. At that moment, I stumbled across some gold. This video by Fred Kofman. It’s magic, it’s extremely relatable and makes it all seem so easy. In the video, Fred explains how to remain true to yourself, and at the same time, open to your counterpart (a difficult combination). When we are being true to ourself, we are being completely honest with our emotions, values and desires. We are allowing our truths to flow through ourselves and into the world via our voice.
Changing our mindsets
I Struggle with F.O.W.O.T — Fear of what others think, and my hunch is most people do, we just don’t talk about it often enough. We should place less emphasis on ‘being liked’ and begin from a place of curiosity and respect. We often avoid conflict to preserve our likability. It’s natural, but its not always the most important thing. Genuine respect and vulnerability produce more of the same (mutual respect and shared vulnerability). Conversations can remain mutually supportive even when difficult, but we must respect the other persons opinion, and only then can we expect shared respect in return.
The most daunting part of this for me is that we cant control the outcome of the conversation. However, we can however control the process. As Fred said — “If we push with words, we will receive push back from our counterpart in return. If we listen to your counterpart with respect, we are more likely to be heard.” The goal is to understand each others perspective and find a mutually agreeable solution. It’s important we all remember both perspectives are true, the combination of both is the truth.
I love this diagram, person A is looking from the right and seeing a square, person B is looking from the left and seeing a circle. Although contradicting both views are true, together they make up the cylindrical truth.
Plan ahead
A topic that has continuously come up throughout my research is that we can’t let their/our emotions interfere. To do this, before having the conversation we need to plan ahead, “Perfect preparation prevents poor performance” — I have no idea who said that. The secret to a successful difficult conversation is to prepare, don’t procrastinate, plan and stick to it. Heres the next question… how do I plan? Here is some preparation prompts I synthesized while researching from the UN’s ‘Preparing for Difficult conversations’ document.
Step 1 — Get the facts right
What are the facts? What assumptions are you making? How does the problem make you feel? How might the other person see the situation? What might their intensions have been? How have you each contributed to the problem?
Step 2 — Think about your objective
What is the key problem? What is the impact? What other action could you take instead of this conversation? What do you want to achieve by the end of the conversation? What part will you take ownership of?
Step 3 — Preparing for the conversation
How will I set the tone? Where/when will I conduct the meeting? What will I say? How will I listen? What actions will we create to move forward? Do we need a follow up meeting?
Conclusion
Lets make a pact together to step out of our comfort zones, and not fear speaking up. Let’s respect others, plan our content, but not script our conversations. Let’s focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will create. When our attention is focused on positivity, it will help shift us shift our mindset and inner dialogue to a more constructive place. Consequently, we will all grow increasingly comfortable approaching these difficult conversations we all need to have.
Further Research — The best parts of my research.
Books
- Dealing with the tough stuff (Darren Hill, Alison Hill & Dr Richardson)
- Fixing Feedback (Georgia Murch)
- Liminal Thinking (Dave Gray)
Podcast
- Radical Candor — https://www.radicalcandor.com/blog/tag/podcast/ (shoutout for making me aware of this — its awesome!)
Workshops (Australia)
- Tough Conversations — Feedback That Doesn’t Suck (Georgia Murch)
- Activate your A Game — Dr Cory Middleton
I would love to hear if you have some other research for me on this, my contact info is below :)
Lets Connect & Chat
📱 Twitter — @imjaked
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✉️ Email — jakedeakindesign@gmail.com
