What am I doing?

Well, specifically, at this time, I have just finished breakfast after some morning meditation and am listening to Gary Vaynerchuk’s The Thank You Economy on Audible. But more generally speaking, I have not the slightest clue. And I’m okay with that.

For years, I have been questioning myself, both who I am and who I want to become. I have hit the realizing highs and the absolutely most desperate lows. However, at this point in my life, where I finally feel like I have found my path, I still find myself not really knowing what I am doing. Maybe it is because I have been introspective due to the death of my friend John. 24 years old, having not really found his path. An overall wonderful soul that just had the rug ripped out from underneath him. Regardless, it has made me appreciate every moment that I spend on this earth and has made me want to live my life to the fullest, however, I still feel like I remain at a stasis. Maybe I am still internally mourning, or maybe it’s something else.

I have been trying to doubt myself less. To rely on my primal instincts or to at least do exactly what it is that I want to do every day seems like the right thing to do. Do something every day that gives me fulfillment, yet allows me to grow so that each day I am given on this earth has the opportunity to get better and better. So this includes things like going on runs (something I hate) but doing it outside, so that I can still go out and film in interesting, new areas, but still be bettering my health as well as strengthening my mind by forcing myself to do something good that is not precisely what I want. In the words of David Goggins, “In order to grow, you have got to suffer.”

This has allowed me to get new shots while I am outside, as well as compile them and work on my movie making skills, something that I have been trying to develop since I purchased my new computer and had a little time off before returning to school.

But, what AM I DOING? I do have to admit, my videos are a bit random, and I honestly don’t know what I am doing, at all. I have been trying to do random videos with a myriad of stories, straight to camera addressing, and monologues to work on my acting. But I really don’t know. Am I trying to find out more about myself through all the different Mediums? (haha yeah… I’m like dad-joke kind of funny) It does seem that kind of way.

There are a few things I do know. I know that in my nearer future. I want big roles in films and TV shows, many of which challenge people’s mental state. That is why a lot of villains such as the Joker really interest me. I also want to inspire others to change and find their own path through my work. Whether it is by the characters that I specifically play or through the characters that I am becoming an obstacle for, I would like to influence others to take the right path in their lives.

This points me in my other direction that may be further down my path. For those that don’t know me, my life has been largely transformed by such influences as Tony Robbins, David Goggins, Tom Bilyeu, Gary Vaynerchuk, Mel Robbins, Jay Shetty, and many, many more. I went from being a heavily drunken and lost early 20-something, to someone who challenged what he could do and what he truly wanted to do. Through improv classes and looking at my trends in the past, I did re-discover acting, but I think, what I really want, is to help people, like many of the people listed here do every day.

Since I can remember, I have been a hype man. It didn’t matter what it was about. If you were my friend and you had something you enjoyed or cared about, I was super jazzed for you. If you were challenging me, well then I may become your biggest competitor, but regardless of the situation, I always wanted to see you do well, even in that situation.

Now, after working in different industries, especially in such a negatively-energized space such as the service industry. I realize that there are a lot of people out there that either just give up on their dream life because they get sucked up in the instant gratification of the service industry, or that they come in, talking about a different career or job that they hate, yet don’t make the strides to make their lives a better one.

I was lucky, I figured it out early. I hit rock bottom at 21 or 22. I was drinking myself into a stupor many nights a week and making piss-poor decisions. I stopped doing physical activities or even leaving my apartment unless it was to work. I was completely taken under the wing of nicotine, alcohol, and video games for over a year, and I was looking around me after a while and just realized it. I am a loser. I am a loser and I am surrounded by losers. I don’t enjoy this, and I both can do, and deserve much better life.

But I had to prove it to myself that I could do better. And most people don’t want to put in that energy to make themselves better or know how to do it. I’m not saying that I do either, but I know the steps that I took to make my life better. And other than physical wellness and eating right, these positive mindsets I mentioned paved a road that I could start walking down. Now, my job is to just pay it forward, and try to help the next lost kid who is walking down the wrong path.

So that is what I am doing. Or at least, that is what I have in mind when I put out both the content to do with both an empowering mindset and videos around my acting career. Maybe I should focus on one or the other. But, if there is any way that I can influence others to make positive life choices, while building on my craft, then I am going to do it.

Thanks for reading,