My Least Favorite Games Part 1: Metroid

I’m taking a break from slurping my favorite video games to discuss my least favorite ones.

This isn’t a list of games I played once. This isn’t a bunch of games that I’m hoping on the hate train to destroy. These are games that I enjoyed at one time, but nostalgia would be the only reason I’d fire them up now.

Call me a hater. Tell me I lack taste. But these games are not on my favorites list for various reasons. Metroid is the first we’ll discuss.

So, let’s talk about the game that started the “Metroidvania” craze.

MAJOR SPOILERS ahead for a 37-year-old game.

Setting The Stage

It’s the year 20X5 (not a typo), and Space Pirates attack a Galactic Federation space research ship. The pirates steal samples of Metroid, parasitic organisms discovered on planet SR388. The pirates want to weaponize the Metroids and use the creatures to control the galaxy at the behest of their leader, Mother Brain, an artificial intelligence.

The Galactic Federation locates the Space Pirates’ hideout on the planet Zebes but loses several ships in their assault. Outgunned, the Federation calls famed bounty hunter Samus Aran to stop the Space Pirates and eradicate the Metroid threat.

Why I Don’t Love It

Let’s talk about some of the games misses:

No clear goals

Metroid doesn’t tell you where to go and what to do. Once Samus appears on screen, you just have to search around and hope you stumble on upgrades, elevators, secret rooms, and mini-bosses.

There is an upgrade one screen away from where Samus first appears. But if you follow gamer instincts, you’ll miss it. Things like that are frustrating.

I don’t like games that hold your hand, but I also don’t want to be entirely left alone in a game world I don’t understand.

No map

Metroid has no map unless you use an online walkthrough or draw one. The game is enormous, and many rooms look similar, so no map means getting lost. In a game that asks you to backtrack a lot, getting lost SUCKS!

Music

I’m not a fan of Metroid’s music, but I understand its importance to the game’s atmosphere. The music feels alien, which works for the game. It also takes silence into account, heightening the isolation.

Not a fan. Okay, the Brinstar music slaps.

Lag

Due to memory limitations, old NES games experience lag when too many sprites are on the screen. Metroid suffers from this, and it can negatively impact your play.

Platforming games are already tricky when they work perfectly. When lag impacts a character’s speed and movement, it can contribute to all types of mishaps.

Metroid is already a challenging game: lag makes the challenge harder to enjoy.

Enough complaining. Let’s take a look at some of the characters in Metroid.

Characters

Samus Aran

The baddest bounty hunter in the galaxy…whatever galaxy she’s from. And yeah, I said she: Samus is a woman underneath all that body armor.

Kraid

To reach Mother Brain, Samus must defeat two mini-bosses. Kraid, a friend of the Space Pirates, is one of them.

As a Space Pirate friend, I wonder what Kraid’s cut of the galactic takeover would be. Did he ask for an upfront payment to stymie Samus? Or is Kraid gonna get a planet or two to rule?

Ridley

Ridley is a Space Pirate commander and leads the attack on Zebes to gather metroids. He plans to irradiate the metroids, turn them into weapons, and unleash them on the galaxy.

Not a good plan, Ridley. Not a good plan at all.

Mother Brain

Look at the big brain on Mother!

Mother Brain leads the Space Pirates. She was an artificial intelligence created by the Chozo but turned against her creators. She wants to bring order to the galaxy, and the metroids are her weapon of choice.

Rating

2 out of 5 stars.

I’d rather play Metroid: Zero Mission than play the original Metroid. I think I’ve played it two or three times since childhood. I don’t find Metroid a fun experience, and I doubt anyone who grew up on gaming platforms after the NES would, either.

Should You Play Metroid?

No. Play Zero Mission. Play Super Metroid. Play Metroid: Dread. Please skip this game for your sanity. It’s not fun, and the series immediately gets better with Super Metroid on the Super Nintendo.

Instead of playing Metroid, watch this hour-long speed run of the game instead. You’ll thank me.