I have the time

On the one year anniversary of my father’s death from lymphoma, I wanted to write something that honored his memory. I left CA and moved to WA to be his full time caregiver spending a final year holding him tightly til his passing. So I worried about choosing the right words. Good words. Good enough to honor your time for reading them. However, today is not the day for good words. After spending 9 hrs in the ER and subsequent 3 days in the hospital with my mom, only to discover that she has colon cancer, I give you my rant regarding how not to counsel someone in this position.

1. Do not send Memes. Especially ones that advise positivity as a way to happiness in the face of despair.

2. Avoid “Let me know if you need anything” BS if you are a friend. Don’t put the onus on the person suffering to ask because we won’t. We are too busy triaging the care of our loved ones. Instead, just do something if that is your intent without being asked. I have a friend who sent me her award winning brownies when I was deep into the year-long battle to keep my dad alive. She is doing the same now without prompting. She could send me a battle mixed tape of BSB vs *NSYNC and the result would be the same. I deeply appreciate her thinking of me and the gesture of love.

3. Stop insisting this is “God’s Plan”. First, you’re not God so stop speaking as if you know. Second, I was raised Buddhist and find this obscenely oppressive and insulting. This is unhelpful. While I’m here, keep “This will just make you stronger” in your mouth and out of my ear. The death of my father did nothing to make me stronger. It aged me. Drained me. Broke me. Weakened me. The death of my mother will do the same. If you can’t bare to keep silent, try “I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I wish I knew the right words to say but I don’t.” This is much appreciated because you are sharing in my sense of dislocation and loss. I have no idea what will happen and I don’t know how I’m going to feel.

I apologize if this installment in my blog was unpleasant. I appreciate you allowing me to decompress and vent so that I can continue to support everyone, including you, in my world.