Dear Mum… — A Eulogy
The eulogy I wrote that came as a result of learning to love and forgive.
In May 2020, I lost my mum to a brain tumour. Her passing was the most challenging situation I’ve needed to face in my life so far. She suffered from bi-polar for much of her life and for much of my life I had dreaded the prospect of speaking at her funeral. What would I say that was authentic and respectful?
So, in the midst of a national lockdown, I had three minutes to express the trials and tribulations of a relationship that was far from easy to a small number of family members who were in attendance.
Fortunately with the help of my mentors (Chris Nash and Paul Waugh from Lighthouse Global) I had been supported to build a healthier relationship with my mum through learning what it means to forgive and so was able to write and deliver the most difficult speech of my life to date. Every single word was carefully chosen to most accurately express how was feeling and the meaning I saw in this personal challenge.
Honouring Mum’s Life & Legacy
Dear Mum,
I know you’re listening now because I don’t believe that anyone can be late for their own funeral… even you!! Did I just say that? Well, yes… it may even have got a chuckle from you. Sometimes the most honest and completely inappropriate things would make you laugh.
Mum, I want you to know that your life had meaning; for starters I wouldn’t have had the incredible gift of life if it wasn’t for you!
Our relationship was full of mixed emotions. You were not the conventional mum that I wanted as a little boy, but in hindsight, you have been my greatest teacher even through your quirkiness, eccentricities and shortcomings.
Ironically some of the things that used to irritate and frustrate me the most were my most needed lessons. You valued the natural; organic food and fresh air to fuel the body, appreciating someone’s heart more than their mind, wanting fairness for all and feeling drawn to things that enliven our human spirit. Yet as a rebel I detested the healthiest bread money could buy, spent hours in front of the TV, feared people, took myself way too seriously and felt sick at even the mention of any musical!! Now I am learning to appreciate the healthy things you stood for.
Mum, the saddest thing for me is how you battled to realise a tiny fraction of your potential. People didn’t know how to help you lead your highs towards realising noble goals or explore the depths of your soul when low. I am sorry I had unrealistic expectations of you; but so grateful I could learn what it means to forgive and to love because of what we needed to overcome in our relationship. It’s taken me 10 years to be able to write this letter.
In honour of you and your life I want you to know I am giving my all to becoming more caring, compassionate and wiser because of our challenges. For our family I will do what it takes to help them have the happiest, healthiest and most fulfilling lives possible. I also promise the same for Graham; always remembering the vital role he played in your life right up to your last breath. And finally please know there are many lives that will be positively impacted through me because of what your life means to me. I have taken so much from your last words to me in the Barry Manilow song ‘Ready to take a chance again’.
Sending you all my love and a big hug till we see each other again,
James xxxx
Why Mention Barry Manilow In a Eulogy?
Here’s the song that I mentioned in the eulogy. The story of this is an incredibly meaningful one for me. In one of my last conversations with my mum over WhatsApp video I asked her what her favourite Barry Manilow song was and this was the one she chose. I’d never heard of it before and can’t remember hearing her play it! At a time when she wasn’t able to say much, it felt like she was offering her last words of advice to me through this song. Please feel the lyrics as you watch this….
Why Am I Sharing Such a Personal Story?
I wanted to share this to inspire those who are in the process of grieving the loss of parents; particularly where the relationship was far from easy. I will be sharing more about how I was helped through the grieving process and how I intend to use it to serve others through similar circumstances.
As part of this I am considering the idea of starting a blog site dedicated to sharing eulogies of loved ones in order to honour their lives and share the life wisdom gained. Please leave a comment, send me an email or direct message me if you’re interested in contributing to this site in some shape or form.
Please also feel free to share this post with anyone who has recently lost a loved one along with my condolences.
