Salty with a Chance of Fascism

For weeks there had been nothing but soup, and the people hated it.

Truly, it was the last straw. Up until then, the hardy citizens of the U.S. had, frankly, complained very little. When Campbells acquired General Mills in a sweeping $20 billion transaction that gave it a monopoly in most grocery stores, few people batted an eye. And those who did bat an eye mainly just had gripes about the high sodium content.

Then the feds turned the food stamp program over to Campbells, but still, critics kept mum. Poor people can handle the sodium, they said. Soup can provide the necessary veggies, they said.

But just like ignorance, Campbells never stops its advance. Next came the subsidies — primarily fueled by dark money in the 2026 senate race — which privileged Richard Sherman-endorsed companies. Who else benefitted but Campbells? Voices rose in protest, but they were mainly composed of those “laissez-faire” hipsters, who had fallen out of style ever since Jim Gilmore’s disastrous one-term presidency. A little regulation never hurt anybody, right? Of course, the soup company was quickly morphing into an uncontrollable behemoth, and the unions began to raise a timid voice of objection.

But at that point, Campbells was too big to fail, or so said the conventional wisdom.

But then came the coup, and that one Primitive Baptist doomsday preacher was vindicated when the United States of Campbells declared its sovereignty. Supreme Leader Morrison began a rapid succession of soup policies that left the country virtually cut off from the outside world. But Americans were rather isolationist at that point in time, so it wasn’t a huge problem.

But then came the rations. Cream of mushroom soup for breakfast, cream of mushroom soup for lunch, cream of mushroom soup for dinner.

At that point, the citizens of the United States of Campbells decided, that enough was enough.

[Those looking for the full WAV audio file will not be disappointed.]