So you wanted to join this club…didn’t get in cos you a bum…and now you’ve written a whole article…
Josh Cumming

Dear Josh,

Apologies for getting your name wrong. You might find it hard to believe that it was not intentional, although given my apparent lack of attention to detail (see amount of dogs legs), maybe you wouldn’t.

I could make a joke here about Jimmy’s dog losing 2 more legs in the interim — and in even more grotesque fashion than he lost the first ( I wont go into that here )— but seeing as the dog is now dead it doesn’t seem appropriate.

Thank you for taking time out of your no doubt invaluable lunch break to reply to my reply of your reply of my original work. If it somehow becomes a lasting masterpiece, you will forever be etched into the footnotes as the first commenter, and in that respect, we are, in a sense, brothers.

I have a brother, funnily enough his name is Jack (my parents had a good sense of humour), and I remember people in year 3 used to call him Jackie Chang so you are in good company.

I really like the fact that I will be wearing a tie-die toga when my script goes big. Usually they don’t let writers down the red carpet, especially if they are writing a sitcom that airs at 3am, but if they did, rest assured that I will be wearing that tie-dyed toga. Tie-dye represents the hippy movement and consumption of LSD which is basically the same thing, and anyone who doesn’t wear a suit is by definition a hippy and therefore takes acid. Maybe you can come over to my house one Monday and we could share a tab and taste each other’s tears?

You seem to suggest that I don’t like money. perhaps from my observations of ‘suits’. You are wrong. I love money. One wet Tuesday I went to the bank and withdrew my entire savings in five pounds notes and invited my friends round for a money party where we played Kanye West’s “Niggas in Paris” and threw money at each other whilst drinking Hennessee. After I did a count at the end, which took 2 hours, fifteen pounds was missing. That was the last time I had a ‘money party’, but when my script goes big, I will have another one, you will be invited, and I will also employ security at the threshold of the bedroom door to search people before they leave. There will be a mixture of five, ten and twenty pounds notes. You will not need to bring your own.

I like you Josh, and when I like someone I like to share something with them. So here goes: Next time your are writing about jägerbombs, which I can only assume is a regular occurrence, to get the umlaut on the “a”, press ALT and U together, then let the go of the U and press A. Actually, that is only for a Mac, and you seem like a Windows kind of guy. But I don’t know how to do it for Windows.

I look forward to hearing from you at 17.05pm!


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