I Think I Have A Solution — I’m Going To Eat Pete Evans

We know what the problem is.

Our food isn’t organic. Or bio-dymanic. Or ‘wholesome’. It isn’t ‘clean’. It isn’t carbon-neutral. It just won’t do. We know that. But what am I supposed to eat?

I’m surrounded on all sides by mixed messages. Huge glowing burgers are rendered in oversaturated glory, they smile through every shop window. 20ft billboards of broth bowls and sandwiches and pulled pork and cinnamon liquor and Cinnabons and sin.

But I need to get ripped, sliced, jacked, fabulous, sexy, slim, ‘that Red Carpet look’, huge, lean, small, and cut.

It’s hard: neon signs wink at me — “LATE, NITE, FOOD” — but it isn’t food. A lot it has got SUGAR in it. That’s processed, right?

Or is sugar the one that’s OK now?

No, wait, that’s cholesterol.

No, no, no, I’ve got it — you can EAT cholesterol but you can’t eat FAT, which BECOMES cholesterol. Or, at least, the BAD cholesterol. Which is actually a lipoprotein. What the hell is a lipoprotein again?

Ah! I was thinking of cholesterol before, but it wasn’t that, it was butter. No, it can’t be butter. That’s good now! Write that down, butter is good. It has stearic acid. That’s the right stuff, that stearic acid.

Actually, now I’ve said it out loud, I’m not sure.

I need to eat something that’s been well fed, humanely raised, well cared for….

I need to eat something that eats the right sort of things.

I need food made with love.

And, oh dear God in heaven, I need to be paleo.

And I’ve come up with a solution.

There won’t be enough to go around, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.

But maybe this will inspire you to come up with your own solution, because this is freakin’ perfect.

I need to eat Pete Evans.

Perfect, I tell ya!

It’s not just the matter of lean meat (high in protein!) of which there will probably be a bit (and it’s organic, hell, probably grass fed for all we know!) But think about it. Healthy viscera, no calcification. Intact heart. No intramuscular triglycerides. Intestines that never knew the ravages of genetically-modified glyco-whatsis ultra-pesticides! Sausages ahoy, boys!


Hard to cook, sure, but high in healthy fats! And barely used!

But that’s not all, look at the food my food eats:

What does your steak eat, grass? HAH! You dupe! Liquorice root tea, precious fools! He probably tastes of delicious sarsaparilla and fear and polo shirts and victory over common-sense! He’d tapdance on the palate!

Oh, but, James! You can’t eat a person!

Well, I say person but more a celebrity chef… but close enough! You can’t eat something that’s almost a person! You wouldn’t make chimp steaks or Frenched rack of gorilla!

(I bloody well would, but never mind that, because...)

People are paleo!

Our present analysis of the postcrania has identified a far greater degree of human modification than recorded in earlier studies. We identify extensive evidence for defleshing, disarticulation, chewing, crushing of spongy bone, and the cracking of bones to extract marrow. The presence of human tooth marks on many of the postcranial bones provides incontrovertible evidence for cannibalism. In a wider context, the treatment of the human corpses and the manufacture and use of skull-cups at Gough Cave have parallels with other Magdalenian sites in central and western Europe.

Forget bone broth and casually giving children hypervitaminosis, this is a seam of gold right here, pure god damned gold.

All we I need to do is belt him with a rock, and chuck the carcass in my…



Are freezers paleo?

Actually, how long will Pete Evans last, even WITH a freezer? Two weeks, three? Man, I’m going to run out of food. It doesn’t matter how much maca powder and Argentinian bat-polishing serum he eats, in a scant month I’m going to starve. And die!

Oh well.

I’m 33. I guess that’s paleo too.

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