This Is What You Should Eat. Any Questions?

Grains should be at the centre of your diet.

Grains are literally poisonous.

Butter is terrible. Butter is OK. Butter should be encouraged. Butter should be in your coffee!

Protein is bad for your kidneys. Protein is essential at every meal. Protein is overrated. You only need 0.8g per lb. Or 1g per lb. Or 2.5g/lb. Or 30% of your daily intake. Or it’ll kill you. It’ll eat your bones, and acidify your blood. Buy a scale. Buy two.

Milk isn’t natural. Milk isn’t wholesome. Milk is part of a balanced diet. Raw milk is part of a balanced diet. You need it when you’re pregnant. Just don’t let it near your children!

Salt is a vital nutrient. Salt will raise your blood pressure and hospitalise you.

Legumes are hard to digest, avoid them. Or eat a lot of them, they’re high in fibre and protein. Whole countries run on legumes! If only they knew about the lectins, poor fools…

Eat nothing but vegetables. Eat mostly plants. But don’t get too many carbs — only eat the low-carb non-starchy vegetables. Eat all the vegetables which aren’t potatoes. Eat only the cruciferous vegetables. And, uh, yams.

Sugar is addictive. Sugar is a harmless foodstuff. Sugar is fine in moderation. Fruit has sugar — good! Or is it bad? Watch out for pesticides.

Moderate drinkers outlive teetotallers. Alcohol will ruin your fat-loss goals. Everything except grape-based liquors aren’t paleo. Beer is the devil.

Gluten literally causes rising sea levels, bad network programming, and is partially responsible for the ongoing success and irritating longevity of Donald Trump.

(OK, that one is made up.)

And while we’re at it: being fat is desirable, being thin is unhealthy, did you know that studies prove skinny people die sooner, being fat is a moral failing, being fat is ugly, being fat is society’s mistake, thinness is a slippery slope to anorexia, people have no control over whether or not they’re fat, strong is the new sexy, it is both easier than you ever imagined and literally impossible to lose weight, obesity is largely the province of people living in bad environments, ‘nothing tastes as good at thin feels’, obesity is caused by the influence of major corporations in the food supply, restrictive diets are the only way, restrictive diets are behavioural training for eating disorders…

Oh, and the following things are poisonous: GMO foods, ‘toxins’, anything your grandmother couldn’t pronounce, non-biodynamic produce, feedlot-raised meat, farmed fish (nutrients!), wild fish (mercury!), ALL meat, ALL grain and grain-based products, ANYTHING that comes in a packet, ANYTHING made by a company, ANYTHING that is ‘processed’, and ANYTHING that is bad food, unclean, sinful, naughty, a guilty pleasure, “no-nos”, a wicked treat, or a ‘cheat’ meal.

Instead, eat clean, eat natural, eat real, eat 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 and 10 meals a day, buy organic, eat healthy, eat traditional, eat slow, embrace tradition, try new things, chew your foods, get liquid calories, prepare meals from whole foods only, shop at farmer’s markets, eat local, eat aware, eat in not out, and eat in moderation.

Try all this for 24 hours, 5 days, 2 weeks, 8 weeks, until summer, until June 21st, after January 1st, and all-year round. Be vigilant, be huge, be lean, be slim, be fabulous, be ‘Red Carpet’, be successful, be massive, be jacked, be ripped, be cut, be sliced, be back to your pre-baby weight, and AT NO POINT IN TIME SHOULD YOU FORGET TO BE CONFUSED AND AFRAID.

NOW, BUY OUR SHIT.

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Further sarcastic and unwelcome opinions of the author can be found here.