I’m sorry.

It’s Saturday night; the world is quiet around me and there aren’t any disturbances other than the thump-thump-thump of my restless heart and the ratatatata-swirl of thoughts rushing through my head. The air feels invisible, it’s missing the usual heaviness of a humid summer’s night. I am sitting on my bed trying to process what it is that I’m feeling and I catch a glimpse of an arbitary news story, the word “devastated” stands out and instinctively, it clicks. Devastated. Yes, that’s the feeling. Although I have no right to feel that, because I am the one who disappointed you and it’s me who has to make it right.

I’m trying to figure out why I feel this way. Why am I devastated? After all, mistakes happen, nobody is perfect. I know you understand this as much as I do. And then it hit me. Nobody is perfect. But I want to be. And I want to be for you.

This might sound ridiculous, but please, indulge me my darling. For most of my adult life, I have rallied against the idea of perfection. It’s an absurd word and it sets standards for which no person could possibly live up to. Perfection is a smokescreen that ultimately hides disappointment. And really, even if you were to be perfect, who could possibly keep up with a saint?

And this is why this sounds crazy to me. But I want to be perfect, I want to be perfect for you. Because the world is full of disappointments. This is a world where Donald Trump wins. This is a world where fake news on Facebook will get more likes than a real story from The New York Times. Where people look at each other with suspicion rather than empathy. Where every man will tell you that they are different and then all act in the same duplicitous way. Where people can be cruel, hurtful and deceitful.

And in a world full of disappointments, I want to be the one thing that you can depend on to never disappoint you.

I want you to never have to doubt that my words, whether spoken out aloud or just quietly in my mind, reflect my intent. I want you to never have to worry that when I say I will be there, it means come hell or high water, I will be there. I want to be able to remind of you the genuine goodness that exists all around us when you are losing faith. I want to be able to be your safe space in a crazy world. I want to be able to hold your hand in trouble times and shield you from your battles when you need respite — and when you are ready to go again, to keep fighting for what you believe in and to charge forward right beside you. And most of all, I want you to know that two days ago, when I said that I love you, yes — those ridiculously big words — that I mean it with every part of my being. That those feelings are true and that those feelings are endless.

But I know words without actions are meaningless. And that is why I am devastated tonight, because I made you doubt when I promised you I would never give you a reason to. And for that, I am so, so sorry my darling. I promise to do better because you deserve perfect. And even though I may never be perfect, I sure am going to try for you. Always.

“This, the truth. For I’m yours to keep”. 🎈

https://soundcloud.com/jordanmackampa/yours-to-keep-jordan-mackampa-1

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