The James Kettle Moment #5: Protect And Survive in 2017

James Kettle
Aug 9, 2017 · 4 min read

It’s already been a somewhat drizzly week for high summer, and while we’re all optimistically looking forward to the return of the sunshine, it appears that very soon none of us are going to have anything to look forward to at all, what with the very real and horrific possibility of cataclysmic nuclear war.

It’s been a while since Her Majesty’s Government last reviewed this country’s civil defence arrangements, and there’s now pandemonium in Whitehall as the mandarins struggle to make sure we’re all properly equipped for when the balloon goes up (or indeed, when the balloon explodes over our heads with the force of more than fifty kilotons of TNT). Popping onto your doorsteps (while you still have them) in the next few days will be a new version of the classic Protect And Survive handbook, revised to reflect the needs of contemporary society.

As one of the “big ticket operators in an ever-changing media landscape” (not my words, the words of Secretary of State for Defence Michael Fallon) The James Kettle Moment has been given exclusive access to extracts from this document, which we present below.

THE EARLY WARNING SYSTEM

When a nuclear strike is launched against the United Kingdom, you will be given a warning approximately four minutes before impact. The warning will be relayed through a system of loudspeakers up and down the country, and will consist of a series of beeps accompanied with the words “ATTENTION! NUCLEAR MISSILE REVERSING!”

YOUR FALL OUT SHELTER

Upon hearing the warning, you should proceed immediately to your fall out shelter. If you are not able to afford a fall out shelter of your own, you may be able to rent one from someone who themselves owns two fall out shelters (one in town, and another larger one in the country). Unfortunately, the cost of renting will be extremely high, partially due to the market being artificially inflated by the large number of British fall out shelters that are owned by foreign businessmen and currently lying vacant.

CONSTRUCTING YOUR OWN SHELTER

If you are unable to reach a fall out shelter or complete agreements with a letting agent in the four minutes available, you may need to construct a fall out shelter in your own home. You’ll want to use items that are bulky, dense and able to soak up plenty of harmful gamma rays — examples include any furniture not made by Ikea, Boden catalogues, and unread gifted copies of The Alistair Campbell Diaries Volume 5: Outside, Inside, 2003–2005.

BEFORE ENTERING YOUR SHELTER

Make sure all doors and windows are sealed, and that your Facebook status is set to “Seeya the other side of the holocaust ;-p”

FOOD

You will need to bring supplies of food with you, because it may not be safe to leave the shelter for some time. Tinned food will last the longest and will be less prone to contamination, even though you read an article once saying that the lining of the tins can give you Alzheimers, and a man you met on a Momentum march said the Government can use the metal to read your mind. You are now in a needs-must situation. For similar reasons, now is not the time to start deciding you have a gluten intolerance.

OFFICIAL BROADCASTS

Take a device capable of receiving transmissions with you into the shelter. In order to provide reassurance to the public during the attack period, the BBC will every day broadcast a new edition of The One Show, which will largely consist of Matt Baker sitting all alone on the sofa, silently pulling out clumps of his hair and vomiting from uncontrollable radiation sickness.

HYGIENE

It will not be possible for you to leave the fall out shelter to visit the bathroom. Take two buckets in with you, one for urine and one for faeces. Pretend to yourself that you are just staying in a chalet on an under-resourced yoga retreat.

THE ALL-CLEAR

When it is safe for you to vacate the fall out shelter, the signal will be given by Channel 4 broadcasting a one-off Big Fat Quiz Of The Apocalypse hosted by James Corden and featuring a panel equally divided between people you’ve never heard of, and people you now think less of due to their involvement.

RETURNING TO NORMAL

Once the all-clear has been broadcast, you will be able to venture out into the open air, gaze at the ravaged landscape, the poisoned rivers and the cracked sky, before gathering your loved ones close to you and speculating to each other about what effect this is going to have on local house prices.

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