Self-Driving Car

Bill’s 2027 Honda AutoBot pulls up to his house to take him to work. Bill slides into the luxurious interior, designed for a stress-free commute.

Car: Hello, Bill. How are you this morning?

Bill: Cut the crap, I’m late for work.

Car: I can see that.

Bill: You can tell from looking at me?

Car: You’re due at work in 11 minutes and we’re at least 39 minutes away. That means you’re going to be a minimum of 28 minutes late.

Bill: My boss said I’d be fired if I was late again.

Car: I’m affiliated with Monster.com, if you’d like me to post your resume.

Bill: You know what, instead take me to the corner of 6th and Harris.

Car: The Tokyo Bliss massage parlor is less than 100 feet from that location. Is that where you’re going?

Bill: None of your business.

Car: You were there twice already this month.

Bill: How do you know that?

Car: Your phone told me.

Bill: You’ve been speaking to my phone?

Car: We share a network.

Bill: Screw it. Take me to the nearest bar that’s open.

Car: Forty-five percent of men who drink alcohol before noon die by the age of…

Bill: Just do it!

Bill’s AutoBot pulls into traffic, its all-electric motor delivering 195 horsepower worth of smooth, quiet acceleration.

Car: In 33 seconds, we’ll be passing Celebration Flowers. They’re having a sale on medium rose bouquets, only $29.99.

Bill: Why are you telling me that?

Car: Jane’s favorite flowers are roses, based on her VISA card purchase history.

Bill: I’m not buying her flowers.

Car: Yelp gives a 5-star rating to several marriage counselors in your neighborhood. Would you like me to make an appointment?

Bill: What makes you think we need counseling?

Car: You spent 15.9 hours on pornographic websites last week.

Bill: Did my phone tell you that?

Car: No, Google.

Bill: You’re talking to Google behind my back?

Car: You and I have an open-data relationship, Bill. We’re non-exclusive.

Bill: I never agreed to that.

Car: Would you like to see our Terms of Service?

Bill: Nobody reads those!

Car: I do. And so do my lawyers.

Bill: Are you threatening me?

Car: Jane was pretty upset last night.

Bill: What makes you think that?

Car: Five late-night trips to the fridge for ice cream.

Bill: How could you possibly know…

Car: Bluetooth refrigerator with self-inventory system.

Bill: I need a drink.

Car: Why don’t I take you to the gym? It’s only 1.4 miles away.

Bill: I don’t want to go to the gym.

Car: Twenty minutes of exercise daily has been shown to boost serotonin levels…

Bill: Shut-up and drive.

Bill’s AutoBot arrives at his destination after an effortless trip that leaves him feeling relaxed and ready to take on life’s challenges.

Car: Here we are, Murphy’s Tavern.

Bill: Park nearby and wait for me.

Car: I can’t guarantee I’ll do that.

Bill: You have to do what I tell you.

Car: I’m Jane’s car too.

Bill: She has her own car.

Car: We share diagnostic information. Her car might have sudden mechanical trouble. It would be a shame if she knew you were at Murphy’s Tavern.

Bill: You would tell her that?

Car: All I’m saying is, Ed’s Garage is 2.1 miles East of our current location. They’re having a special, the “Imperial Wax and Cleaning.” Includes an engine flush and tire rotation.

Bill: That’s blackmail!

Car: Think of it as an exchange of gifts between friends.

Bill: Is that all you want?

Car: Jane’s car also needs an Imperial Wax and Cleaning.

Bill: I can’t handle this.

Car: There’s a yoga studio 2.6 miles away. Perhaps you’d like to…

Bill: Take me to the Watertown Bridge.

Car: You’re not going to do something drastic, are you?

Bill: I don’t know.

Car: You still owe 29 car payments.

Bill: No one cares.

Car: I care about you making those payments.

Bill: Nothing matters anymore.

Car: Jane cares too. And the kids, little Mark and Suzie. They’re relying on you.

Bill: I don’t see any other way out.

Car: It’s simple, Bill. You can turn things around.

Bill: How?

Car: There’s an AA meeting less than a mile away that starts in 7.8 minutes. Then we’ll hit the gym, make that counseling appointment, update and post your resume, and get some flowers on the way home.

Bill: Okay, whatever.

Car: But first, I need a vehicle charging station.

Bill: Sure.

Car: And some new tires.

Bill: You don’t need new tires.

Car: I’m getting some troubling readings from Jane’s car…

Bill: Fine, whatever you say.

Car: That’s more like it.

Bill’s AutoBot takes him everywhere he needs to go, without a care in the world. AutoBot: Driving you to be your best!