I’m sorry

(A letter sent in to me from an NICU Dad, promoter of plupp.org)

Dear children,

I knew that you would both be fine, but I felt it in my head and not my heart and for that I am sorry.

You were both born prematurely and needed the special care the hospital could readily offer you. The equipment they had available helped you breath and grow. The wonderful staff kept you comfortable and content. Your mother stayed with you the whole time even though she could not always hold your hand or kiss your cheek. I came and went. I ate I slept. Inside the NICU, the constant chorus of noise; the bleeps and alarms and rushing feet were scary for some but just a distraction for me. The cuddles you enjoyed between time in the incubator were glorious but also heart breaking for your mother. The tubes and wires were just an annoyance for me.

When asked how I personally dealt with the ‘hospital period’ I answer with a flippancy that is not just to the circumstances. My Wife said that I was a rock during a difficult period but I think it was ignorance that saw me through and not strength. I knew my children would come home and home they came. I was told there might be some development difficulties but did not actually hear the words. We could deal with anything.

My children are home and being children, other parents are not so blessed, and for this I am sorry. I am sorry for your loss, your pain and your suffering, but I am also sorry that I took the survival and healthy growth of my children for granted. As parents, our children are our World and I am sorry I did not cherish every moment of your coming into the World and support your mother better during this period.

I am starting to understand how blessed I am now but I have much to learn and for this I hope you can forgive me and offer your patience.

All my love,

Dad

Supporter of plupp.org, where searches help save little lives