Thank You Nala

June 14, 2010 — that was the day we met. And as 2018 closes out, I feel I owe you some overdue gratitude. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, and it’s about time I share that.

I’ll never forget the day we met. You were terrified. Filled with pain both physically and mentally. Unsure of what the future held in store for you. Barely surviving. Unsure of everything and everyone.

Yet when you first looked at me, I didn’t see any of that pain or discomfort. I saw the biggest, brightest pair of brown eyes I had ever seen. Over the years, many who have met you are always quick to point out your eyes above all else. How expressive and loving you look. I think in some ways everyone who meets you for the first time gets to enjoy a similar sensation I did that first day we met.

You have that way about you. This innate ability to make everyone feel good with one look at those eyes. I’ve often thought, man, if I could bottle just a fraction of your ability to connect with people and give them joy, I’d be a lot further along in life than I am now. You embody many traits and characteristics I wish I could emulate.

I often joke with others that you are my better half. And while it gives folks a laugh, they don’t realize my sincerity. You have an easier time connecting with people than I do. You are much more patient and content. You don’t get caught up in comparing yourself to expectations. You don’t get frustrated and rattled by words and sentiment. You don’t get complete paralyzed in your own head. You completely live in the moment, rather than worrying about the next one.

Most critics would say that’s because you don’t understand things the way way people do. Complex cognitive thinking is not in your repertoire. To a degree that’s of course true, but I also firmly believe that you, like so many others of your kind, understand a whole lot more than we think you do.

We’ve been through a lot together. Some moments a bit scarier than others.

I’ll never forget your decision to go all Ferris Bueller on me back in November of 2010 in Manhattan. Nor will my family and everyone else who was looped in to your search and rescue. None of us to this day know exactly what transpired for those 15 hours you were on your own in the concrete jungle, or how in the hell you apparently moved from the East Village to the West Village in under 15 minutes according to witnesses. I like to think you were just taking in the sights. When for a skate at Rockefeller. Had lunch at Gallaghers Steakhouse and skipped out on the bill. Chased some squirrels in Central Park. After all it was your first time in New York, and I was stuck in meetings all day. Nevermind you gave me a complete heart attack along the way.

Fast forward to our most recent trip together this September. As has become all too familiar for me, I was coming out of yet another work situation feeling betrayed and deeply hurt, while also accepting my own poor decisions along the way to put me in a vulnerable position. As always, you are right there, with those big brown eyes, telling me all will be ok. That we’ll figure it out together, but first we need another adventure.

And what an adventure our trip to Montana was. You unfortunately met a porcupine on the first day. That didn’t go so well huh? I have never seen you in so much pain and discomfort since the first day I met you, and boy oh boy did that race back to the car and drive to the vet hospital feel like it took hours.

Then on the 4th day we both had the pleasure of meeting our first Grizzly Bear. As it came barreling toward us, you stood strong next to me. I could see in your face how completely willing you were to sacrifice your own life to protect my own. Thanks to us smartly carrying Bear Spray, you didn’t have to.

Come to think of it, you’ve sacrificed so much for me. You dedicate every single day of your life to spending it with me, to cheering me up, to giving me unbridaled companionship. You spend nearly every minute of every day completely focused on me and my needs. You are as selfless as they come.

You know as much as anyone that these last few years have been really hard for me. It’s felt like a never-ending cycle of getting knocked down, standing back up, getting knocked down, standing back up….rinse and repeat.

Of course my biggest problem is and always has been my own damn head. I too often manifest the worst assumptions. I let my self-hatred consume me. I try to make up for it by overcompensating on doing too much, desperate for affirmation and feeling a sense of purpose, wherein fact all that typically does is piss someone off unbeknownst to me. I’ve lacked social awareness for way too long, thinking only about my intentions rather than others’ perception. And it has cost me. And cost us.

Because as I go, you go. When I’m feeling hurt and depressed, it attaches itself to you like a thick shadow. I never once have apologized for that. And I truly am sorry. I’m sorry you’ve been stuck with a guy who has stumbled so much. I often wonder what your life would be like if you had been rescued by someone else. Someone more successful. Someone with marriage and a family living in a house of love and energy. Someone who wasn’t such a headcase.

Of course, you never complain, not once. You accept it. You accept me no matter what. I can’t say that for many people. You are my rock.

Relationships have not been so easy for me. My dating life is a zero. I have few real friends. And my family life is a mess. I’m responsible for most of that. I’ve been an introvert and a bit of a loner my entire life, and those tendencies just increase exponentially when I’m feeling down like these last few years.

But our relationship has been nothing but rock solid. Nothing but joy each and every day. I often look at this picture when I’m feeling at my lowest. Its you at your birthday party, overwhelmed with joy and happiness in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever felt myself. It’s an incredible photo that really captures the light you have brought to my life.

Every time I question my purpose, the need for my very own existence, I just need look at you to know, heck, I’m doing something right. I have the greatest friend a guy could ask for and I get to enjoy being with you each and every day.

You have taught me more than you know. To try and cherish the good and forget the bad. You were born into an awful, brutal life that saw you beaten and abused, yet you never let that impact you day to day. You have taught me to try and see the good in people always, but to also be observant, and walk away from the bad ones. You’ve also taught me that squirrels are enemy №1, cats are strange and not to be trusted, dirt holes are nirvana, and hide & seek is possibly the greatest game ever invented.

There are so many people you have touched deeply in your life beyond me. 3 in particular come to mind.

Matt Brinker was your first roommate, and he played a big role in your life and always made you feel welcome and loved, for which I’m forever grateful.

Annalie Juan has been your roommate the last few years, and I know she loves you to death and thinks of you as her own. And while you and her boyfriend Manny aren’t exactly BFFs, ya’ll still deep down appreciate and respect one another I know it.

And of course Elisa. She has been so good to you for so many years now and takes care of you whenever I travel, which has been way too much. She talks about you like a teacher talks about her favorite student. I know you hold a special place in her heart.

Nothing though compares to our bond. It is forever. Whatever forever means. I have no idea what happens when we are dead and gone. I’m not particularly religious, and I’ll save my theories for another time :) I do know, however, that we were meant to find each other.

Maybe I was meant to be exactly where I am right now. Maybe I was meant to go through these struggles so I can come out stronger and more battle tested on the other side. Having your steady presence has allowed me some room to work on myself. Having your unconditional support and unwavering excitement to see me gives me a foundation to work from.

We are all a work in progress. Sure, some figure it out faster than others. Some are better at masking their flaws than others. We are all a product of our unique genetics and unique circumstances from Day 1. No 2 people have identical paths in this way. But we are all a work in progress, thats for sure.

Every day, rain or shine, you look at me and tell me I matter. I don’t know what i’d do without you.

I love watching you sleep. You’re so peaceful and sweet in your slumber. I’m watching you right now as I write this. Knowing that while you can’t read what I’m typing, you can feel it. Not having the ability to verbally communicated gives you the ability to read and understand energy in such a deep way. That’s achilles heal of verbal communication — sure it makes things faster and easier, but it often limits our ability to truly understand and connect with the person we are talking to.

You and I, we talk every day. All the time.

As you enter your senior years, I can’t help but think there will come a day all too soon when you are gone. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’ve tried to start mentally preparing myself for it, but I know that day will be the hardest day in my life.

People often tell me that I saved you. That you are the luckiest dog in the world with the spoiled life you have. I tell them they got it all wrong. You saved me. You save me everyday. You save me from getting too deep and utterly lost in my self hatred and viscous cycles.

As if I’m swimming through raging river rapids, struggling at times to keep my breath and stay afloat, but you the oar reaching out from the boat. Keeping me connected to something positive. Urging me to climb back into the boat and take back control of my life.

I want to thank you for everything. My single greatest joy in life is that all too familiar smile. Knowing you are happy and healthy and safe.

You’ve given me so much Nala. I’ve done the best I can to give it back to you. You are forever my little girl. My sidekick. My better half.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.