I Will Survive (it will just be miserable)

In life you always have the option to just walk away. You hate your neighbourhood? Move house. Your boss makes you miserable? Flip them the bird and quit. Your laptop is riddled with STDs after your partner used it to ‘surf the internet’? Tell them to pack up their shit and drop kick them out the door. However, your football team is shit? Chin up.

Once wedded to your football team it really truly is ‘forever together — for better or worse (usually worse) — till death do us part’. And unlike your house, job or spouse, when you reach forty you can’t trade in your shite football team for a sexier one. Well, you can, but then you’ve basically decided to become a cunt. For better or worse (usually worse), you are stuck, and all you can hope for is that lady luck shines down upon your football team more often than not; if not, well, enjoy the rest of your miserable existence.

Now, down at Stoke City HQ the sun ain’t shining. Rather, it’s raining goals… into our net. Another 4 goal comedy blitz down at Selhurst Park means another miserable weekend to go with the previous 3. Actually, we’ve been pants for quite a while now. Currently, we’re rock bottom of the league with one solitary point. These are not happy times. These are miserable times, so what are Stoke City fans going to do about it? Are we going to walk away and do something more productive with our lives? Absofuckinglutely not. Instead, we’re going to do what most idiots do when they find their spouse fucking their best friend; we’re going to point fingers and shout a lot, maybe smash some dishes in the kitchen, but in the end we’re going to kiss, cuddle & make up, and tell ourselves that everything is going to be ok.

But will it, though? Probably not. You see, the logical thing would be to find a new team to support. One that wins and brings joy to one’s heart every week. You see, we all wanna be happy. I wanna be happy. I wanna have waves of joy and excitement pumping through my veins between 3 & 5 on a Saturday afternoon. Who doesn’t, right? However, to achieve this, sadly, for some of us fools, we have wedded ourselves to a social construct which incidentally brings us way more negatives than positives. It’s not healthy. Rather, it’s foolish; actually perhaps probably yeah definitely stupid. Basically, I think I need to find another basket to put my happy eggs into. Any ideas?

Nah. Me, neither. Stoke City FC it is then, ‘forever together — for better although probably more likely worse — till death do us part. Amen.’