No Shirt, No Ray Gun, No Service

Well, we had a good run, you guys. We got all the way to the year two thousand and seventeen, two thousand nineteen maybe, and then we went and blew it all up. We’re all sons of bitches now and there’s no going back from it. Everything’s a wasteland and our cockroaches are the size of what used to be called ‘horses.’
And a lot of people are asking themselves, “what do we do now? Where can we go from here?”
A lot of mutants are asking that, too, but their voices are muffled because a lot of these mutants, they were fused to other people and they live inside one another now. We have to listen to the mutants even if it makes us uncomfortable. That’s called social justice. Even if we can taste a little bit of bile at the back of our throats when they speak, these people have concerns.
To these people, these mutants, these half-man-half-caravan monstrosities, I say: you’re all welcome at Jimbo Drew’s Old-Timey Family Restaurant.

Now, look, I should tell you right now that “old-timey” means something different now that we live in the wasteland. I’m not talking about, like, a 1950s theme; I’m not dressing up my chefs in Marilyn Monroe wigs and hanging guitars on the wall; Jimbo’s is a place to eat like you would have visited in the old days when you still had a job and a family. It’s literally just a place that does all-day breakfast. Please take off your greaser jacket.
I’m sick of explaining this, but I’ve already made the sign.
At Jimbo’s, the food looks like shit but, hey, everything looks like shit and it’s not like you’re Instagramming it anyway. Does it taste good? God, no. You’re missing the point.

Jimbo Drew’s Old-Timey Family Restaurant — Yes, We Serve Crab People!— is less a dining establishment and more an idea. We’ve got capitalism down to an art form in here. We never really perfected it in the old world, but now that everything’s covered with a kind of green haze and it sucks to go outside, it’s easy as hell to exploit the common man, or man-monster, or whatever. Come over to Jim’s! What else are you going to do? Be outside?
At Jimbo Drew’s Old-Timey Family Restaurant— No Shirt No Ray Gun No Service — is a shelter both metaphysically and physically.
Jimbo Drew’s Old-Timey Family Restaurant— The Wi-Fi Password Is For Patrons Only And Also The Wi-Fi Doesn’t Work — is a fresh start if you want it to be.

Look at me: I’m thriving in the nuclear apocalypse! Before all this went down, before the President broadcast the launch codes on Twitter because he thought it was his secret diary, I was a photographer. You know who wanted to pay money for photographs? That’s right: nobody. Did you ever have an existential breakdown every night before you went to sleep? I absolutely did.
Now I work with my hands, I run my own business, I get up at the crack of dawn every morning and at that first sliver of green light on the horizon I count my blessings.
Jimbo Drew’s Old-Timey Family Restaurant. Just off the M65. Free parking behind the crabstrosity. Jimbo’s is not affiliated with the crabstrosity nor liable for crabstrosity-related incidents.
