If you’re reading this right now then you might have the same questions as I did before my diagnosis, or maybe you also got diagnosed recently and want to find others who relate to your experience. Or maybe you’re just curious.
I decided to talk about my experience after I realized that most of the available ADHD content online is very Western (read: white) and male-dominated. I’m a woman in the Philippines, where mental health and psychosocial disorders still have a long way to go from being a mainstream thing.
Before we get into the story of why I decided to get diagnosed, I’ll share a bit about how my consultation went.
How I Got Diagnosed for ADHD
Well, it’s kind of a funny story. I had an ear infection and my sister told me to book a consultation with a doctor on this app. I did, and I thought that while I’m still on the app, why don’t I also look for a psychiatrist to confirm this long-running suspicion? I could never stay engaged at a job long enough, I often lost or forgot things, I had a lot of abandoned passion projects and hobbies, and my teachers always thought I was disrespectful or not paying attention.
I booked an appointment on the app, choosing a doctor who wasn’t based in my city because they probably already work with people I know. Going to hospitals and clinics in this pandemic isn’t easy, so an online consultation worked best. The consultation was a video call on the app.
The first question the doctor asked me was: why did I decide to book a consultation?
I told him I have long suspected I might have ADHD ever since I learned what it was. Ask anyone who’s ever taught me in elementary to university and they’d say I didn’t seem to pay attention but did well in class. I was always distracted or bored. An English teacher even took it personally and made me apologize for my perceived rudeness. He thought I was disrespectful because I didn’t look at people when I talked to them.
My doctor asked, were you always considered the ‘weird kid’? I said “Yeah, I was.” I grew up in a small town and had access to cable TV, internet, and a lot of books when most kids didn’t. I would always push my interests onto other people, talking about them for hours on end, and my peers would simply listen. They said they learned a lot from me and were often fascinated.
What really pushed me to finally get a diagnosis was that it was my nth job where I eventually lost interest and became disengaged. I always wondered why I never seemed to know what I want, only what I don’t, and how other people could stick to the same job until retirement. I used to think it was just the work environment, specifically the management, but my bosses at that job were great. That couldn’t be it.
Was it a matter of contentment? Do I really just don’t know how to keep pushing even when it gets boring? Does that mean I’m not disciplined? Maybe it’s because I don’t need to provide for anyone and I’m privileged? Adding to that was the pressure from my parents increasingly asking about my plans for the future. I’m not getting any younger. I’m 25 now, and that’s still young, but my parents aren’t. They wanted to feel assured I’ll be alright if I left home or when they’re gone.
I want that for myself too. I want to turn my long-dormant plans into a reality. But something about me doesn’t make me like others who are “disciplined” and just “persevere” and I had to know what that is.
After sharing all that with my doctor, he made me take an online assessment for ADHD and I sent him the results when I was done. To my surprise, or I guess I should have seen it coming because I also wondered about it before, he also made me take a test for Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms.
My ADHD test results from PsyCom.net said my score showed a Strong Indication of ADHD. Along with my stories, it was enough for me to be diagnosed with ADHD–PI or Predominantly Inattentive. This means I had an attention-concentration deficit, which made sense since I don’t have strong symptoms for impulsiveness or hyperactivity. I still do get the impulse to do (or buy) things but I can control myself and most of the time I can just sleep it off.
On Psychology-Tools.com’s Autism Spectrum Quotient test, I got a score of 28 from a possible 50. The website said a score in the 26–32 range indicates some Autistic traits. In the past, I would be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome but it’s no longer a diagnosis on its own.
My doctor also didn’t write it in the medical certificate he gave me for my PWD ID, so I didn’t mention it in the title. I suppose he didn’t have enough information for a formal diagnosis, and I came in to be diagnosed for ADHD.
Coming To Terms With My ADHD Diagnosis
When my doctor asked me how I felt about my diagnosis, all I could say was that I’m relieved. I finally know what’s up with me so I know what I have to do to live a more fulfilling life. I started to forgive myself for the way my brain was when I used to be hard on myself about it. He said he was happy to hear that and said a lot of people who have ADHD and ASD still succeed.
All of my difficulty in relating to others socially or lack of interest in trying was Autism Spectrum Disorder. But so is my intellectual interest, attention to details, persistence in things that fall within my special interest, and my affinity for spotting patterns and using those patterns to predict outcomes and deduce knowledge.
Where my ADHD would have made me a difficult student, my ASD filled in. I finished school with academic honors in every level, until university, without me ever developing study habits. I only had an academic breakdown when I was working on my undergraduate thesis, all by myself, and it seemed like such a big overwhelming task to me.
One thing I didn’t expect is how strongly it hit me when I realized how my neurodivergence affected my relationships.
It made me wonder if I could even find a partner in the future who would be understanding. Is that something I have to tell potential lovers? That I remember everything and nothing. That I would be late more often than not because I keep coming back for something I forgot. I am time blind and I always underestimate how long a task would take. Or I could get lost in something because of hyperfocus. I couldn’t stay off my phone and it’s hard for me to be in the moment. I’m indecisive. I could forget to reply. Or I could scare them off because once I like someone, all logic is lost, I obsess about the potential of the connection, and I end up coming on too strong.
I never really had a lot of interest in romantic relationships because I’m not socially motivated, but the thought of needing someone to understand all this about me when that time comes is admittedly stressful. I’m probably better off with someone super busy.
What ADHD medication do I take?
To help manage my symptoms, my doctor prescribed me to take a 40-mg capsule of Strattera at least 30 minutes before my work day starts. Unfortunately, ADHD medication is expensive and very difficult to find in my city. My doctor said I didn’t have to take it on days when I don’t have to work. He also jokingly reminded me that while it would help me focus, it doesn’t cure laziness.
I did a trial run of the medication for two weeks. The first time I took it, it took effect instantly. I was surprised to learn neurotypical people don’t have thoughts running at a hundred miles per hour during every waking moment. That they didn’t analyze everything and accepted things as they are without thinking too much about it. My brain was so strangely quiet so I had to get used to it. I was more present and still had all my intellectual capacity.
The medicine started to wear off after around 6 hours, which was enough to get me through my work day. I added nearly a hundred pages to a document I procrastinated on for a long time. I created an action plan for things I didn’t get to finish that day.
During the follow-up consultation, my doctor decided to stick to the same prescription. He told me to take it as soon as work starts instead since it took effect immediately. It’s still hard to fill in my prescriptions so if you know anyone who can help me secure them, let me know!
Telling Friends, Family About my ADHD
After the diagnosis, I shared my experience on social media and received a lot of love from people who knew me then and now. I apologized to my high school classmates who I’ve hurt with socially inappropriate comments and they were so kind and gracious.
My high school best friend told me she loves and appreciates all of my “weirdness”. Our time together then was part of the best years of her life and it made me tear up a bit. My college friends laughed and apologized because the “clumsy” things they admonished me for (and still found cute) was actually my ADHD.
I also reached out to my undergraduate thesis advisor, thanking him for his graciousness and understanding even if neither of us really knew what was going on. I’m still contemplating whether my elementary and high school teachers would understand but maybe it would make sense if I tell them in anecdotes.
When I told my parents, they simply said I have always been like this. They still don’t understand it fully. They think I can simply just “focus” and “manage” my time, when my brain refuses to start on command and decides what to focus on by itself. My sisters were with me in making the decision to book a consultation, so they weren’t surprised either.
Opening up about my experience has helped others find out about their diagnosis too. They asked me about how I got diagnosed and what it was like. A stranger on Twitter even reached out to me about it months later, and that’s how I decided to speak up about it on another platform.
I’m planning to turn this into a podcast as well because I don’t think others with ADHD would be willing to read through all this. This might even turn into a series if I don’t forget! If you’re still reading, thank you so much. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
