Please Don’t Arm The Teachers

Happy National Teachers Appreciation Day! Lets not turn them into armed killing machines! Cool!

If you were to ask me to describe a teacher, marksman, child killer, and loves guns, would not be at the top of my list.

The solution to gun violence shouldn’t be add more guns. No one was like, “you know how we beat Harvey Weinstein, with MORE Harvey Weinsteins!” We need more good guys with Harvey Weinsteins to rape the bad guys with Harvey Weinsteins. NO! WE NEED NO HARVEY WEINSTEINS!

Where was I? GUNS!

I had a teacher once who had to be taken to the hospital after dropping chalk then falling down to pick it up. I don’t want her armed.

America doesn’t need old lady drunk fingers packing with whatever musket she thinks is an automatic weapon and put in charge of defending a room from some disgruntled teenager who started playing Fortnite out of the womb.

The problem is, school shootings are so tragic that we play out these fantasies in our head. Dreaming about how we would have stopped it, or Ryan Gossling would have crashed through the window mowing down the bad guys with his machine guns (that’s my fantasy at least). We do this so we don’t actually have to confront the horrific reality of the situations. We would rather vilify the Parkland teens on twitter, than deal with the sick rotting culture that created this mass murder in the first place. To think about what happened. How scared these kids were. How it changed their lives forever. We play “school shooting” like it’s a video game and not something very real that happens way too fucking much. We would rather tell ourselves that the teachers would turn into these action heroes with perfect aim then react like scared, flawed humans, and may hurt even more kids in the crossfire.

What would you do in that situation? We don’t know. Without proper training, we would probably fuck up or freeze. We all like to thing we are Steven Seagal from the movies, when in real life, most of us are like Steven Seagal in real life.

So how would turning math teachers into navy seals work? We don’t even pay teachers enough to afford bullets! These poor assholes have to buy their own chalk, with there two and a half percent teacher discount at Rite Aid, and you expect them to what? Buy a gun, load the gun, train to use the gun? Hey, sorry you can’t write a curriculum over your sad summer break in your studio apartment, you have to go to military training camp where you can learn how to participate in urban warfare! Aren’t you glad you become dumb fucking teacher?

“What are you having the kids read in English next year?”

“Ummm I think the Joy Luck Club, but all I remember is all how to establish a kill shot from a snipers nest.” Fuck that.

Let teachers teach while we can work on the mental health of our children and making sure murderous psychopaths don’t get their hands on killing machines? Ok? Ok.

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