You Can’t Feel Like A Girl: An Essay By Jamie Shupe
As the first person in the United States to have their sex legally declared as non-binary by an Oregon court last year, I’ve had a lot of media coverage for that accomplishment. But what’s been mostly missing from that coverage has been the potential implications that my court ruling can have on the future of transgender children. I had high hopes that I would be able to use the platform that my court victory has brought me to effect real change for these kids. That’s what they need, societal change. They don’t need surgical procedures. They don’t need cross-sex hormones. And they certainly don’t need to be sterilized because of their gender nonconformities. These trans and gender non-conforming kids most need to be able to safely and successfully express their gender and uniqueness. That’s what I needed as a child and what I still need as a 55-year-old adult.
My ultimate hope is that because of what I’ve done to the gender binary and how we see it in the future, this massive shift in thinking that I’ve helped to unleash will put the unsavory people that have been cutting on or sterilizing these children out of business. If we properly enact social change, the need for their medicalized services will all but cease to exist. In reality, however, these charlatans deserve to be fired at best and jailed at worst. Security literally needs to show up with a box, watch as they empty out their desks, and escort them out of the buildings that are our major medical centers here in America.
But sadly, my hopes for massive change in the way we have been treating these trans kids have been dashed. Despite having had numerous open and frank discussions about transgender children with plenty of journalists to date, my concerns heard about sterilization and misguided medical practices being carried out on these trans kids haven’t been heard. By the time these articles make it into print, the views that I have expressed for a better, different, and less medicalized future for these youth are all conspicuously absent. I want my narrative corrected. I want my views heard.
After all of these repeated incidents of basically being silenced, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been no-platformed from speaking on the subject of transgender kids. And this is despite having a vast amount of knowledge to share. Information that’s been previously and formally recognized.
This is no doubt because my views about transgenderism and the medical practices being employed on transgender children run contrary to the media’s desired narrative on these subjects. Most media outlets have become entrenched in either affirming gender and medicalizing transgenderism or labeling it as illness. Infomercials for surgical clinics get passed off as news in this twisted new world of ours.
Common sense would dictate that someone like me would make a good role model for trans kids. I’m a decorated army retiree that survived “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in a dress, as a male. I survived getting raised by a mother who would slap me and call me a sissy for being girly. I’ve never tried to commit suicide. I don’t have any scars on my arms from cutting on myself. I’ve never stood in the bathroom with a pair of nail clippers trying to make my parents think I was going cut my penis off to get what I wanted.
“So why even consider it? Because it’s just a penis. It has no special gifts or use for me other tan what I have said before, the ability to take a whiz in the woods,” the former I Am Cait star tells fans. “I just want to have all the right parts. I am also tired of tucking the damn thing in all the time.”
But instead of me, the surgery queens get the job of role model. The surgery queens aren’t proper role models for these trans children. They’re something like what I saw at the at the circus as a child. The surgery queens are the advertisements for the Porsche driving surgeons that are cutting healthy body parts off.
I reside in the camp that labels all of this nuttiness as craziness and loudly call it that, instead of passing it off as liberal medicine. But that doesn’t make me a conservative any more than hormones made me a woman. I’m otherwise still very much a bleeding-heart liberal, which leaves me in a somewhat awkward space. I don’t have a platform to stand on.
But for the record: I’m flat-out against sterilizing trans kids to stop discrimination or make them more cosmetically appealing in a sex classification that’s false. It’s all legal and medical fiction. It hasn’t helped them, and it didn’t help me. These kids are just younger versions of me.
So even though I’m not any sort of professional writer (I actually struggle with the task, to be honest), because I’ve been no-platformed and silenced on the issue of transgender children, I’m now going to write and share my views, share what I’ve learned, and share some of what I’ve observed myself. I refuse to be silenced. And this issue is far too vital for me as a transgender person myself to stand by and witness the harm that’s being done to my very own people. I want my fame used to help shut down the gender clinics.
When I make the claim of having considerable knowledge on the subject of transgender kids and transgender people in general, I base that statement on several things. I am a transgender person that has suffered my entire life from gender dysphoria. I actually legally transitioned from male to female and lived as a female (whatever that means) for three and a half years. I have been treated with HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for over four years. I’ve been injected, with the same GnHR drugs being used on these trans kids for six months.
In fact, I still take HRT. At this point, I’m in it for the experiment to see if it actually ever does make any noticeable changes for me. To date, very little has happened, and I’ve suffered a lot of health complications and lifestyle challenges as side-effects of the treatment. I took naked photos before I started back in 2013. I hope I live long enough to have more pictures taken for my 2023 anniversary. If so, I’m going to show off the non-existent changes for everyone. I may even post them on the Internet. All I’ve got to date is two widely spaced little breasts and a dude’s body. That’s where I’m at four years later in this madness. The rest of me is still intact.
Based on my negative experiences with these hormones and anti-androgen medications, I’m of the opinion that we really need to consider the problems with these drugs before we set these transgender kids up for a lifetime of dependence on them. Because of the health effects and the treatment outcomes I’ve experienced, I’ve concluded that these children are better served by working to change society’s rigid gender norms rather than medically changing these kids to fit in. The kids are being medically “normalized.” But who gets to decide what’s normal?
Large numbers of children are now rejecting their birth sex. We need to ask why this is happening. I believe I know the answer to that question because I have felt the same pressures that these kids have. My age doesn’t make me any different than them. I share their common problems because I am also a gender variant.
This is a difficult thing to admit because of the ridiculousness of it, but I legally transitioned from male-to-female because I lacked permission in this society to be a feminine male. But I also didn’t want to be a male because there’s not much about what it means to be a male that I have any desire to claim as my own. I don’t want to dress like an Amish guy to be accepted. I want to look like George Washington in some stockings and a powdered wig. I think I’m as unique as my DNA and demand to have that uniqueness recognized. You’d use it to identify me if I committed a crime. I don’t and won’t agree to be lumped in with every other male. I think it’s as ridiculous as calling a Chihuahua and a Great Dane the same thing.
The tragedy is that I had to become a female to be allowed to be feminine. Changing my sex was my license to do that. I’ve struggled to cope in this world as a gender variant adult: how do we expect them to deal with it as children?
You might find this startling confession about why I transitioned tough to swallow, but the fact is I could have been put out of the military and denied retirement pay for all the years I served merely for the offense of wearing women’s clothing. That’s how far down the rabbit hole this nation is in regards to rigid gender norms and sex stereotypes. Potentially or actually losing your career and getting some sort of negative discharge from the military for wearing women’s clothing while being labeled as a male is a stiff penalty in comparison to the offense. It gave me a lot of mental trauma from which I still suffer. The military shrinks described me as having “psychic toughness,” but again no role-model job for me because I won’t cut my penis off or advocate for the cosmetic procedure.
Admitting my weaknesses, critically analyzing myself and my past behavior as a transgender person is a tough thing to do, but I’m willing to do just that if it can help any of these trans kids or give insight so that they can hopefully have a better life than I have. Mine hasn’t been great. I’ve got the mental scars to prove it. They aren’t from wounds I gave myself.
But one thing should be evident in all of this: I’m not any more or any less authentic than any other trans person. I say that because I fully expect those accusations to come my way as a result of writing this. All of us began life as unremarkable males or females. The problem is what society has done to us along the way, because of who we are. The scientific answers are still in dispute. Which is why it’s way too early in the discovery period to have the scalpels out and to be performing genital lobotomies.
The next thing I have to confess to is that I put the cart before the horse in transitioning. I quickly transitioned from male to female before I even gave myself a chance to understand why I felt the things I did. I was convinced that I actually felt like a girl. I’ve spent most of my life secretly believing that. I really thought that I “felt like a girl.” I actually conflated this with being a female. As someone who by any measure is quite intelligent, this is a difficult thing to admit, but it’s true.
Version 5 of the “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” says that having a strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender is one of the mental health symptoms of gender dysphoria, but it’s just that: a mental health symptom. It’s a travesty that therapists don’t point this out to their patients, or even talk about it with them because these perceived feelings and beliefs are based on nothing more than sex stereotypes.
It wasn’t until after I transitioned that I settled down and began to study myself, my situation, and the transgender community itself. The barriers to transition are far too minimal due to activism. People and institutions have essentially been bullied or shamed into accepting us and letting us have our way with things, regardless of whether those things are healthy for us or not. I readily admit to getting sucked in hook, line, and sinker into all things transgenderism and was convinced that I could actually change my sex.
“I’m dead serious!” Joe says. “I looked on YouTube!”
I’m guilty of hanging out in the same places that these transgender kids do, sites such as YouTube and Reddit. And I did so because like-minded people there affirmed me and my beliefs about myself. I thought I was a female and everyone else in the support groups I attended agreed. We were telling each other what we wanted to hear and silencing or attacking anyone who disagreed with us.
Former peers, please keep that in mind that if you decide to attack me in the future because at one point in this all of you agreed that I was the same thing as you are.
I also readily admit to seeing the damage that my actions and the actions of the other male-to-female transsexuals have caused to the women that were actually born as females.
I wish right now that the doctors who are pausing puberty would instead pause for a moment and take a look at the chaos resulting from the mess they’ve created. It’s harming women, the people that are natal females. Trans men have yet to hurt men. Testosterone injections have been around for decades, and there’s still no trans guy in the NFL. All it’s good for is soldiers in the bathroom war. “See, I have facial hair, that makes me a man! Women, you should be scared.” Women aren’t scared of trans men, I’ve asked them. They’re afraid of penises or people that used to have penises. That’s why we don’t have a peace agreement for the bathroom war yet with the conservatives.
Transitioning people from male-to-female or from female-to-male hasn’t broken down the patriarchy, increased equality for the LGBTQ community, or done anything at all to break down the rigid gender norms that caused me to transition, to begin with. Transitioning hasn’t even helped most of the people who transitioned. Most of them are now worse off. If anything, the process of transitioning people to a sex classification that’s opposite of their birth sex has just caused more problems and worsened the discrimination problems. A 41% completed or attempted suicide rate isn’t a sign of success. Those numbers haven’t gotten better because people transitioned and trans health care was invented.
Which leads me to question, why we are transitioning people, to begin with?
Despite how hard I’ve looked, I’ve yet to uncover any evidence that shows how transitioning females-to-males has hurt men or the patriarchy. But there’s ample evidence that transitioning males-to-females has severely harmed women. I struggle to understand how all parties involved in the transition process can’t see this.
When I say that I settled down and began to study my situation as a transgender person and my community what that means is I put up a website and started to do news aggregation on the topic of transgenderism. I’m retired. I have Complex PTSD from my lifelong journey as a gender variant. And due to my narrow interests and the fact that I have nothing better to do as a retired person, I’ve spent every day of the last four years studying transgenderism through the lens of media articles. I don’t have much use for academia, or it’s articles. I like to see what institutions like the Daily Mail have to say about people like me. It’s not uncommon for me to get 100 Google email alerts per day for keywords like transgender or gender dysphoria. That’s how I spend my days.
When I began the news aggregation, I thought I would be providing a useful service for the trans community. But the news gathering eventually led me in an entirely unexpected direction. I learned my way out of thinking that I was a female based on everything that I was finding in those news articles. I also saw firsthand the damage that was being done by the medical community to the transgender population. I got a pretty shocking view into the damage that the transgender community was doing to women, most notably in sports and in the workplace.
“When you meet someone who has Asperger‘s syndrome, you might notice two things right off. He’s just as smart as other folks, but he has more trouble with social skills. He also tends to have an obsessive focus on one topic or perform the same behaviors again and again.”
I’m convinced at this point that I’m an undiagnosed, high-functioning autistic person. I most-likely have Asperger’s Syndrome. Which is why, although I was initially influenced by the transgender community to hate and attack Dr. Kenneth Zucker, I now regard him as the smartest guy in the room. I learned my way out of being part of the transgender mafia to protect the cause as well. I want science, not pseudoscience.
Knowing what I know now, If I were the parent of a transgender child, I would be more likely to send that kid to a therapist like Zucker than I would a monster like Dr. Norman Spack. I just wish the Dr. Zucker types wouldn’t try to get kids to live as males or females and would instead treat them like mixed-sex kids. That’s what we are. We’re the equivalent of mixed-race kids. And everybody at the gender clinics is doing the equivalent of trying to make us black or white depending on the color of our parents.
“For the last four years, Drs. Gil and Zol Kryger have averaged 100 “top surgeries” a year, each costing $6,000 to $9,000. “Bottom surgery,” constructing genitalia, is comparatively rare and far more expensive, running $75,000 to $100,000.”
Chopping breasts and penises off and building poles or digging holes and implanting puberty blockers are very lucrative career fields.
“Johnson is one of the top surgeons for transgender chest reconstruction in the country, performing, she believes, the most such surgeries in New England, and possibly in the Northeast.”
These are career fields where the medical establishment participants are very much aware that they are not actually changing anyone’s sex.
“So too, gender expression and a broader notion of gender identity has opened my eyes to the fact that there is really no other measure in science or nature where there are only two choices. Gender is clearly fluid and broader than male and female.”
The participants in this medical massacre are also actually very much aware that gender is really fluid and not fixed in the patients they are operating on.
“After performing his first gender reassignment surgery, Meltzer vowed never to do another.”
These butchers even admit to not knowing what they were doing when they began to experiment on trans bodies.
“Now, this is relatively rare, so I had relatively little personal experience with this. And my experience was more typical, only because I had an adolescent practice. And I saw someone age 24, genetically female, went through Harvard with three male roommates who knew the whole story, a registrar who always listed his name on course lists as a male name, and came to me after graduating, saying, “Help me. I know you know a lot of endocrinology.” And indeed, I’ve treated a lot of people who were born without gonads. This wasn’t rocket science. But I made a deal with him: “I’ll treat you if you teach me.”
The so-called experts “transing” the kids further admit to letting the patients themselves train them about what the patient thinks they need.
“He said in early September that offering services through pediatric care allows patients to start treatment early enough for the best cosmetic outcome, reducing chances of discrimination and allowing for better integration into society — according to the Associated Press.”
These monsters with medical licenses or medical credentials also admit to knowingly doing what they do to these trans kids under the pretense of stopping discrimination and making trans kids prettier or more handsome at the expense of making them sterile and setting them up for a lifetime of cross-sex hormones.
These charlatans can also be observed hyping the need for what they do or offer, essentially scaring the parents of transgender kids into hiring them by weaponizing the potential for suicide if treatment is not given.
“Kids do roll through a lot of things as they go through identity formation but our gender is a core part of who we are and we actually all know what our gender is and have pretty solid gender identity by the age of 3 or 4 years old,” Olson said.”
These modern-day equivalents of carnival barkers have been allowed to make all sorts of bold statements to the media with no one really questioning the validity of what’s been said. It’s all based on opinion, not science.
These gender clinicians say different things to different publications.
“Olson-Kennedy said. “When people say, ‘Isn’t this too young?’ my question back to them is, ‘Too young for what? How young do people know their gender?’ The answer to that is some people know it at 3, and some people know it at 30.”
They change their tunes and cover all the bases.
“I was hospitalized because of the toxic environment and relationships I was experiencing, at home and at school, with my family and my peers. During this time, the inner turmoil of confusion over my identity only escalated. I went through several identities, sometimes changing every two weeks, from pansexual to lesbian, genderqueer, bigender, and genderfluid. Finally, in the summer before 10th grade, I discovered I was transgender.”
But what’s actually going on with these kids tells a different story.
Everywhere the parent of a trans kid turns there’s one of these gender clinic monsters waiting in the wings to scare them. Suicide is imminent they warn unless these parents open their checkbooks or turn over their insurance cards to save their children.
The patients themselves also admit a lot about what’s been going on as well.
They attest to not having had their gender dysphoria cured despite cutting their penises off and confirming their sex with the creation of a fake vagina. (Has anyone shown the insurance companies that article?)
“Instead of the vagina she had always longed for, Hunter has what she called a “fibrous lump between my legs and a colostomy bag.” Everything she read online and in an information packet, everything her surgeon told her, led her to believe the chances of complications were at best remote”
There are the whispers about people being maimed for life from botched genital surgeries that permeate the dark corners of the interwebz and decorate the pages of secret Facebook groups. The mainstream media mostly won’t touch these stories. Doing so would be them admitting complicity in this massacre after all the surgery clinic infomercials they’ve run.
“One day I was making love and something didn’t feel right. There was this little ball of hair like a Brillo pad in my vagina.” In 1995 she went to see a surgeon who pulled the hair out but warned it would grow back. “He said it would always be there because I hadn’t had electrolysis on my scrotum before the sex change made it part of my vagina. When I heard that, I just sat and cried.”
Some of the gory details are just flat-out tough to read. I want to cry too.
“I fundamentally regret having had surgery. I could have lived as a woman without mutilating my body, but no one talked to me about the possibility,” she says. “I could have been enabled to live happily as a gay man. Instead I was put in this box — transsexual — simply because I did not conform to what psychiatrists think a real man should be.”
Despite the signs of regret being everywhere, the cutting, injecting, and implanting continues unabated and unchecked.
The experts continue to boast to the media about the success behind what they’re doing.
Other experts admit the results are less than perfect.
Magical thinking permeates the air and is rewarded with affirmation. Children are told they are a sex classification utterly opposite of their biology. It’s like “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” and the audience is scared, to tell the truth. As someone who went through the experiment, I’m not. Nobody’s sex has actually been changed.
The children of transgender parents express gratitude for having been lucky enough to have been born.
All of it, in all of its hideous glory, is readily available to witness on the internet with just a few keystrokes and the right keywords into a search engine. At a time when we’re getting ready to visit Mars, the primitiveness of it is utterly mind-boggling.
“Things didn’t go quite as planned. Medical tests determined that Moore’s chromosomes were 100 percent male. But Moore’s belief that she was biologically female was so persistent and profound, doctors could not persuade her she was, in their view, inhabiting a male body.”
Getting most trans people to admit to knowing what their actual biological sex is can be difficult or even impossible. I fully admit to still knowing what I was the whole time regarding my own experience, but at the same time, I was forced to defend an illusion about my history. Which is why I am very critical of any form of stealth for trans people. Attorneys for male clients that have physically harmed trans women often cite being tricked in what’s known as the “trans panic defense.”
As someone who had to carefully guard my big trans secret in the military at all costs to prevent being discharged or punished, I fully believe that having to protect a secret of that magnitude is very damaging to someone’s mental health. I also think it can cause or contribute to PTSD from living in fear of that secret being exposed. As I’ve stated, I now have Complex PTSD, in part because of the stress of trying to protect my sexual orientation and transgender attributes.
Initially, on the wiki website I put the trans people, I found in the media articles into simple categories such as what state or country they were from. I tracked the murders. I followed the suicides. But as the number of people and their related articles that I amassed climbed higher and higher, I began to notice some very troubling trends in the data.
It was apparent that people didn’t know at young ages that they were trans as was being claimed by gender clinicians. This made sense to me because I also didn’t think I was a girl at a young age, I merely “felt different” from my male peers. Like me, the trans people in the media articles repeatedly said they lacked the language to describe themselves. Which begs the question: does that mean they could have been led to believe that they are whatever the creators of the definitions tell them they are?
“In elementary school, Wyatt told classmates that he was a “girl-boy.’’ In the fourth grade, he grew his hair longer and started talking about a name change. That same year, he drew a self-portrait as a girl, and in a class essay, wrote: “Wyatt needs hair accessories, clothes, shoes . . . likes to wear bikinis, high heels, mini-skirts.’’
It was also clear that there was no shortage of “desisters” despite the claims from trans activists that nobody ever desists or detransitions. There were lots of examples of botched surgeries. Some people had committed suicide or died because of the pressures they faced while trying to be a woman in a male body. There was also plenty of evidence that people were all over the map in regards to the various identities that they claimed they were at different periods of their lives. Lesbians had transitioned to being transgender men. Some of the transgender women were previously gay men. There was a famous trans girl involved in a landmark legal case who used to think of themselves as a “girl-boy.”
It was shockingly clear that gender wasn’t fixed and permanent like the clinicians at the gender clinics are claiming. Which led me to ask myself the big, scary question: if gender isn’t fixed and permanent, then why are the surgeons cutting on these people? I wondered why the psychologists weren’t trying to reprogram their thinking to believe instead that they were naturally born as a mixture of male and female and didn’t need to be fixed.
But the most worrisome thing of all that I discovered in the data was all the talk of everyone “feeling different” or “feeling different things.” I could see that people didn’t know what they were, but they were finding transgenderism and latching onto it, then fitting themselves into the trans ideologies and narratives.
I became intrigued with what I later categorized as “self-perception.” It was a complete turning point for me because I knew by the Janet Mock YouTube video that there was no such thing as “feeling like a girl,” because Fusion’s Alicia Menendez had said she couldn’t identify any such feelings during their interview. After watching the interview, I even asked my spouse to describe how she felt as a female. She couldn’t come up with anything to describe any sort of feeling that would capture her “feeling like a girl” either. Yet here all these trans people were talking about feeling like males or females. I began to suspect that Zucker was correct and that this had to be something in the autism spectrum.
I’m convinced what they were feeling was feminine or masculine based on sex stereotypes and conflating it with biology.
I can’t speak for all transgender people of course, but I am highly sensitive to identity labels. That may be something that’s autism-related. I’m most definitely a fan of the theory that gender identity may ultimately be tied to the autism spectrum by scientific research. A big reason why I believe that surgical interventions and puberty blocking are far too radical at this stage of what’s all still unsettled science.
When I speak of being overly sensitive to identity labels, I often give people the example of asking them how they would feel if I were to pin a sheriff’s badge on them? Would they feel pressured to enforce the law, arrest bad people, and ticket speeders? I would. You made it my job when you pinned that badge on me. I take things seriously. And when I was made into a male, that identity label came with all sorts of stereotypes and pressure that are like that sheriff’s badge. I feel pressured to be what you label me. This is another reason why it’s actually helpful and healthy for me to be non-binary instead of male. It’s a non-surgical, non-hormonal treatment for my gender dysphoria.
I am still haunted by one of the questions on the MMPI-2 test that I was asked to take by a VA psychiatrist. The true or false question asked something to the effect of: “I feel things more deeply than others?”
If I were to buzz through those hundreds of questions on the MMPI-2 test and take them at face value, then I would readily answer “true” to the question of “I feel things more deeply.” I do believe at times that I feel things more deeply than other people. After all, I “felt like a girl,” or convinced myself that I did. But slowing down and on deeper self-reflection, I fully understand that I can’t possibly know what it’s like to know how others feel because I’m not that person. I can only know what I feel inside. In the end, realizing that I too was basing my internal feelings on sex stereotypes, I concluded that I have no right to claim that I can understand what it’s like to feel like a girl because I can’t. There’s no such feeling. The way the media reports on trans people just compounds the illusion that there is.
All over the internet, you can find journalists writing articles about trans people with wording in the stories such as “(Insert name) never felt like a boy growing up.” Or (insert name), always felt like a girl growing up.” The media has as much blood on their hands as the trans surgeons do because their portrayal of sex stereotypes being equated with a person’s sex has led many trans people into the operating room.
I wanted to talk about what I was discovering in the media articles, but there was nobody to talk about it with. So I just kept collecting the data and compiling it into categories.
But the data I was compiling on the website was quickly becoming a repository of horrors. I knew that trans women were slaughtering women in various sporting events way before World Net Daily (WND) even thought about publishing something on the subject. I knew all sorts of things, but nobody wanted me to talk about all the stuff that I was discovering.
By three years into my supposed sex/gender change, I knew medical transition was a sham because of the website data. Completely and totally fake. Nobody was actually changing their sex. They were just getting sick or killing themselves trying. I was too. The person who had inspired me to transition was now stopping hormones treatments because of kidney problems. Other people that had previously inspired me were getting called out for misrepresenting data.
I was beginning to feel just as fake as the claimed-successes of the medical treatments that were supposed to have turned me into a female. Which was a confusing subject: was I female before or after I transitioned? Since my birth certificate had been changed to female and my name had also been changed, did all of this now mean that I had been a female since birth? It was troubling to look back and think that it had all been done because “I felt like I was a female” and nobody bothered to explore why I believed that.
By late 2015 it was clear that I was a desister. I’d reached the point where I felt like transgenderism and the idea that you could actually change your sex were as fake as Santa Claus. But I wasn’t a little boy that had discovered his parents decorating the tree in the middle of the night. At this point, I was 52-years-old. I had been featured in The New York Times as a trans woman, cheerleading the trans cause. But now I was quitting.
The big question at that point was: what exactly was I going to “desist” too? Because even though I now wholly agreed that I wasn’t a female, I also still disagreed that I was just an unremarkable male.
At this stage of my life, a lot of things were going through my head. My newfound situation reminded of the arguments between the gender clinicians about kids in my position. Would I now be able to go back to all of the people who had supported me in my transition, divulging that I had concluded that I wasn’t really a female? Or would I commit suicide because the difficulty and shame in reversing course were too unbearable?
“Is this internal male or female so gullible that it would be fooled by vaginoplasties and scrotoplasties, by gonadectomies and mastectomies? Is the inner man or woman such a sucker, so brainless, so dimwitted, that it would believe that these cosmetic changes constitute a real reversal of gender and thus feel any happier in its new silicone shell?”
Fortunately, I had been both lucky and smart enough to not venture beyond taking hormones. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I hadn’t gotten any surgeries. I hadn’t done so due to all the complications I’d uncovered. While the hormone treatment results were an all-around failure on most fronts, I now had some breast growth. Oddly enough, this felt completely natural on me. In fact, I actually liked it. But I still looked like a male except for having those small breasts. I also knew I was still just as much male with the breasts as the female who gets them removed remains female. I knew everything about my previous existence as a trans woman revolved around constantly tricking myself out of my biology. I was exhausted from playing the game.
My experience with cross-sex hormones has been mostly a disaster. As a transfeminine person, I like the soft skin the drugs give me and how they help to reduce body hair growth. But other than those two things, the whole hormone experience bordered on being slow-motion train-wreck.
In desperation, at one point, I’d gotten on injectable Delestrogen to see if it would help me get better breast growth. It didn’t. Instead, I ended up with out of control hormone levels. Three months into the injections my estrogen levels tested at 2,583 on day three of the 14-day injection cycle. On day fourteen, I was still 400. My levels weren’t supposed to have been over 200. It explained why I always felt weak or sick and lacked energy. Throughout my first years of HRT, my testosterone levels repeatedly tested at zero. I’m actually supposed to have some testosterone like females do but at much smaller amounts than males.
“I just got my second 6 month shot of Eligard on Monday. I have felt an emotional swing the past two days. Started crying like a 10 year old schoolgirl a little while ago. I also have experienced a feeling of fear and being all alone. Has anyone else had these mood swings? They are new to me and I’ve been on HT for quite some time. The feeling of fear or shall I say no confidence really bothers me. My passion in life is singing. I am scheduled to sing tonight and I am scared to death. Never felt this way before.”
The six months I spent taking generic Lupron wasn’t any better. Actually, they were far worse. I quickly found that I couldn’t stop crying. I mean, I literally could not stop crying. The first three months I spent on Goserelin and the second three months I was on Eligard as the VA switched suppliers. The Goserelin inject resulted in significant, unexplained bruises on my legs. Apparently, that’s a known side-effect. But on both, I would have crying spells that would last for hours. I finally did an Internet search and found that what I was experiencing was a common problem with these drugs during on-label use for prostate cancer. I didn’t have prostate cancer, there were being used off-label on me, just like they are on trans kids to pause their puberty. This is done under the disguise of “buying time” to figure out what they are. The truth is it’s done to get better cosmetic changes. Figuring out who I am has been going on for 52 years.
I still vividly remember one particular morning on the GnRH agonists quite well, because I thought it was going to lead to my first-ever stay in the psych ward. I had spent the morning crying as usual without being able to stop and then took a shower. When I exited the shower and was drying off, I became overly aware of the two large implants that were in my stomach, near my navel. The first one hadn’t yet disappeared like I was told it would, and now I had the second one in there as well. I found myself getting psychotic and hallucinating that I was going to surgically remove the two pea-sized pellets myself so that I could stop crying. This was entirely out of character for me. Nothing like that had ever happened before. When I finally calmed down, I swore that I would never get another one of these things implanted into me. It took a year for the two lumps to eventually go away. I hope I never get prostate cancer and need this stuff to save me because I might just say screw it and die rather than venturing back to crying all day like a 10-year-old schoolgirl.
As a military retiree, I had access to basically everything within the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) transgender military hormone replacement therapy (HRT) arsenal, and I was on every bit of it at one point or another. I took Spironolactone, which made me crave salt and made my legs hurt. I used to watch trans women on this drug go to the bathroom to pee four times during a 90-minute dinner outing. I took 5mg doses of Finasteride for two years to see if it would grow my hair back and to block adrenal gland testosterone. I ended up with Finasteride Syndrome after I stopped taking it and it took a year to get my strength back. I did 9 months of Delestrogen injections before quitting and throwing the stuff in the trash. The rest of the time I took oral estrogens and the Prometrium brand of progesterone. At 6 mg doses of estrogen which were the amount recommended for me, I had chronic leg pain and swelling in my lower legs and feet.
After a trip to the emergency room for a potential blood clot, I returned to 2 mg doses. An ultrasound ruled out the blood clot, but I consider myself lucky. All of this went on despite me being in relatively decent shape and walking each day for exercise. None of these drugs made me look like a female. Whatever changes you’re supposed to get are supposed to happen in the first three years. I took the stuff for four. The extra year didn’t do it either.
The situation I now found myself in as I pondered desisting from identifying as a female was somewhere I had been before but during my previous visit to this place I had only been a spectator, a reader of the story about others in this position that I now found myself in. The story referred to them as “the inbetweeners.” But now I was the latest real-life character to be joining the cast.
I had always thought of Walt Heyer as a nuisance to the trans community, someone who was campaigning to save us all from ourselves. So there was indeed a lot of irony in me now joining him as a fellow “in-betweener.” But I knew I’d gotten off lucky because I had Walt’s story and had had it on my website for a couple of years. Heyer had far more medical intervention than I did. I actually admire how tough Walt has been in handling his situation. Desisting after having genital surgery would possibly have pushed me to commit suicide. I’m glad I didn’t test those waters. With my PTSD, I don’t have the mental and physical strength to dilate a fake vagina for the rest of my life. It would probably collapse for me too.
I’ve never confessed this to anyone before, but the first time I ever encountered the word “non-binary” was in that article about the “in-betweeners,” published in New Zealand. Much of the American press would never print anything like it. But that article was my inspiration to make the word non-binary a legal place to exist. Because I now needed that place as my landing zone because of desisting from living as a female. Suicide wasn’t a good choice, my younger brother had already done it. Before him, one of my uncles, while I was growing up, had too. My Mother was devastated and had a stroke afterward.
I’m being sincere when I tell you that I suspected going into my transition that I would ultimately flame-out and desist. This is one of the reasons I didn’t choose a typically female name when I changed mine. Instead, I purposely chose a unisex name. It was another smart move that later paid off when the whole thing that was my transition came flying apart like a crazy, high RPM contraption.
While I may have believed I was a female because I “felt like a woman,” I was still very much grounded about what an actual female is. I’ve been married to a woman for 30 years. We’ve been together even longer than that. Our two experiences as women were and are alternate realities. As a trans woman, I got to wear the female clothing and skip all the tough stuff, like having a period every 28 days. I didn’t have to worry about soiling the sheets because my pad shifted in my underwear and allowed menstrual blood to leak all over the bed. I’m not the one who carried our child around for nine months, worrying if I could successfully pull off childbirth. I’m not the one who got my belly cut open to get the kid out. Or the one who breastfed that kid all hours of the day and night for the next two years.
Trans women are not this type of a female. I wasn’t either. So I don’t have enough nerve to try and claim ownership of what my spouse has experienced while actually being a woman. I don’t know what it’s like to fear pregnancy. My spouse spent most of her life worrying about it. Dr. Norman Spack and his gender clinic cronies are free to create synthetic trans kids that spout rhetoric about biology being a social construct to try and legitimize trans identities, but I know otherwise. I know that if you want eggs, you buy a hen, not turn a rooster into one, and claim it’s a hen. Just because medical boundaries can be pushed, doesn’t mean you should do it.
Looking back, most things involving my transition were a catastrophe. I didn’t pass as a woman, nor was I obsessed with it. I refused to wear to cosmetic makeup products because I didn’t think it made me a woman. I routinely clashed with other trans women over trans ideologies, such as I didn’t agree with medically transitioning children. I refused to get any surgeries because I knew the procedures didn’t change your sex and were just cosmetic. But despite how hard I tried to fit in, I kept finding myself more aligned with radical feminism than transgenderism.
One Sunday afternoon in Pittsburgh at a PFLAG meeting, a trans woman and the female president of the chapter stopped me at the exit door and pressed a makeup kit into my hand, sending a firm message for me to start wearing it. Disgusted, I never went back. Another evening, while at a local lounge that catered to the LGBT, a trans woman threatened to punch me in the face because she couldn’t get me to agree with her views on sex work. No natal female has ever threatened to punch me in the face during an argument. The whole journey into believing I was a female was just a cascading set of disasters. By the time I went to court to become non-binary, I just wanted my life back.
By this time, I had mostly cut myself off from the trans community other than online interactions. I no longer identified as a female, and just wanted to avoid any clashes over that. I knew desisters were treated as outcasts. But beneath the surface of all the inner and outer turmoil, the idea to become legally non-binary was growing like a weed. I had met people that identified as genderqueer in support group meetings, and I really liked them because they were open to discussing and debating gender. They were more grounded in biology like I was. It wasn’t the cult-like experience that the trans women’s support groups were. Genderqueer people weren’t defending trans ideologies to the extreme of using violence. The genderqueer support group was an entirely different experience.
Everything about the idea to become non-binary made sense. I began to realize that this is what should have been done with me all along.
Limiting exploration to only talking about males and females is an interesting topic because I spent months and months in therapy at Persad in Pittsburgh, supposedly a “premiere gender clinic,” which was another disaster altogether. In five months, not a single gender counselor ever mentioned any space between male and female. The therapist at Persad didn’t teach me about non-binary space, the desisters did. She also didn’t explore sex stereotypes with me, the radfems did.
Unsurprisingly, out of all the transgender women I met in my first three years of living as a woman, none of them ever mentioned genderqueer or non-binary people. All of them pretended that no space between male and female existed, despite intersex people often mingling with the trans community.
But also looking back, I realize now that acknowledging such a space would and does invalidate their binary trans identities. Trans women and trans men have a vested interest in policing the gender binary, even though it’s harming them. Nothing they’re doing is destroying the patriarchy and making the world a better place for trans kids, they’re just reinforcing rigid gender norms, not breaking them down. Especially with the hyperfeminine appearance trans women are obsessed with and the hypermasculine appearance that trans men are obsessed with.
I came to equate trans women with the beast Cerberus, the monstrous multi-headed dog that guards the gates of the Underworld and prevents the dead from leaving. In comparison, they defend the patriarchy and try to discredit the desisters exiting the trans community by claiming they were never trans, to begin with. They claim all sorts of bogus crap (and get caught at it) for the transgender cause.
Screw them, I was leaving womanhood and my former female identity regardless. I wasn’t a female, and I was leaving town. I eventually left Portland and then Oregon altogether because of my fear that I’d be physically hurt by one of them because of my gender critical beliefs.
In hindsight, a lot of the trans women I had met were absolute monsters. They were just as bad as the gender clinic clinicians that were “transing” kids and sterilizing them so these kids could be prettier than they are. In fact, a lot of them are gender clinicians working in that specific industry.
“Smashing the gender binary is dangerous political provocation in today’s climate. Ignoring stereotypes that are ingrained in the American psyche is inviting failure. Demanding that passing privilege shouldn’t matter, when it clearly always has, and should have no role in marketing the community to its neighbors, is a mistake.”
My quest to become legally non-binary and desist from identifying as a woman was interesting, to say the least. Around the time I was interviewing private lawyers in early 2016 because the LGBT legal aid organizations had refused to help me do it, Dana Beyer was ranting and raving about the dangers of smashing the gender binary on HUFFPOST.
“Wayne choked up when thanking the group for its support. He recounted young Wyatt asking him, sadly, “Daddy, why can’t boys wear dresses?’’ Wayne hated to tell his son that society wouldn’t accept that.”
I smashed the gender binary anyway. That’s what had to done to save trans and gender non-conforming kids in my opinion. That’s what these youth needed. They need unbridled gender expression, not meds or sterilization. They need to stop being bullied because of their sexual orientation, not be made straight by endos and surgeons.
Decades of failure during which untold numbers of breasts and penises have been cut off has failed to get these trans kids a safe bathroom to use at their local schoolhouse. It’s all been about passing and stealth. Anybody who fails to pass because they can’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps can just commit suicide. The trans community will then blame their deaths on society. But it wasn’t society, it was the transsexual pathway at the gender clinics that was their killer.
I knew who and what the killer was because of the wiki website data. All the stories I was collecting and putting on the site showed this as clear as day. I knew most of the trans community couldn’t use a public bathroom before the results of trans surveys even got released. I didn’t need survey results to tell me this stuff, I had tens of thousands of archived news articles telling me this information. Only 21% of the trans community can pass as the opposite sex. Transitioning was all a complete and total failure, but the media keeps the myth that you can do it alive.
Finding a lawyer to help me break the gender binary wasn’t an easy task either. It had it’s exciting moments as well. During an interview with a female attorney, I took my headscarf off, showed her my bald head and then asked her: “what would happen if were to go get a health club membership and take a shower in the women’s locker room?” She freaked, telling me she wouldn’t represent me if I were to do that. This female lawyer knew I hadn’t had any surgeries and still had a penis because we’d talked about that. But her reaction just confirmed what I’d already learned about myself: I wasn’t a female. She knew it too. Eventually, I found a gay man that was willing to represent me.
On June 10th of 2016, I appeared in a Portland courtroom and became the first person in the United States to become receive a sex classification of other than male or female legally. I had ceased identifying as a woman because I wasn’t one and never should have been assigned that sex classification. When the news broke, everyone was carrying on like I was some sort of national hero in the LGBT community but the truth was I had “desisted.” But in doing so, I had just created the Promised Land for “the inbetweeners.” You no longer had to commit suicide after desisting and flunking out of the transsexual academy, you could just become non-binary instead. I’d just made it legal.
There was another kind of irony as well in my court decision. Non-binary is a transgender identity, and I now not only had that legal trans identity, but I was the first to get it. Trans women used to tell me I wasn’t trans enough but now I was legally trans. I had become an American Hirja. I was the “other” that many trans people didn’t want to be. But it’s what I wanted to be because it’s what I am. It’s what other trans people are as well, but many won’t admit it. It all made perfect sense to me because that is my world history as a trans person. Trans people have never been gender conforming people that followed the norms of a strict binary, it’s the monsters like Dr. Spack at the gender clinics that have trying to turn us into gender conforming people, and failing miserably at it. It’s killing us!
After my court hearing, I can still remember standing on the sidewalk in front of the Portland courthouse. I was in a daze, tears were streaming down my face. All I could think of was, “I had my life back.” I literally had my life back. My bald head hadn’t been uncovered outdoors in over three years because every time I went outside I had to pretend to be a woman. I was now entirely free to express my gender anyway I chose without feeling like I was a fraud. Three women and a gay man made my court victory possible. I’m sure all of them fully understand how crappy the gender binary and patriarchal rule is as well.
I had come to believe from the website data that trans people really were killing themselves because they couldn’t handle the pressures of trying to maintain the hyperfeminine appearance that being a successful trans woman required. My Wiki site was becoming an Internet graveyard for these dead trans people. I think a lot of trans community members were also starting to realize that I was intentionally making it one. When the new domain extensions were released, I bought up the extensions like .wiki and .news for the word transgender, and I was putting those extensions to work. The site was also becoming fairly highly trafficked, and I was literally piling the grave dirt up in the proverbial front yard.
“Growing up in Glastonbury, Rader said, he didn’t know anyone who was transgender and didn’t even understand what it was until he went to a conference during his junior year in high school. But he had always known he felt like a boy and wanted to be a boy. As a child, he spurned skirts, dressed as a boy and played on a boys Little League team.”
“In ninth grade, he concluded that he was gay and began to date a girl. He thought of himself as a lesbian, but he still didn’t feel like a woman. He felt male, not simply masculine, as he put it.”
Ultimately, I had no doubt that some of the transgender community members were beginning to catch onto what I was doing with the Transgender dot Wiki website data categories. I think they not only felt like boys or girls, but they also felt like I was discrediting and gutting the very foundation of transgenderism. Actually, I was. I had dead bodies everywhere. I was stacking them like military sandbags during the Korean War. Except these bodies weren’t Korean or Chinese, they were trans.
Lots of things were showing up in the category data, like how most of the killings of trans women were actually related to sex work. Women don’t hold a day of remembrance for their dead prostitutes, but the trans community does; it’s an activism tool, nothing more. I could see that clearly by the data.
On the website, I had the desisters that didn’t exist. I had failed sex changes. I had surgical complications with neo-vaginas that had Brillo pad-like furballs growing inside of them. I had maimed trans women now wearing colostomy bags because of botched genital surgeries. I had suicides from people who couldn’t cut it being a woman because it was too exhausting trying to remain hyperfeminine 24/7. I had Jazz’s “dead name” which was easy to find but in bad taste to publish. I had thirteen families that were all claiming their trans kid was saying “God made a mistake,” when in reality it probably came from this book. I had a mother telling a school Jazz’s penis fairy story and claiming her kid said it too so that her trans kid could get into a bathroom they didn’t belong in.
But most of all, I had tons of trans identifying people who described “feeling different” or “feeling like” girls or boys and interpreting that imagined feeling to mean they were girls or boys. I had people who had come out as gay or lesbian before transitioning, which was utterly blowing up Johanna Olson-Kennedy’s garbage about most of them knowing at age three what they are. Whatever is going on in her gender clinic isn’t what’s happening outside of it.
I had the fact that Johanna Olson-Kennedy is married to a trans guy, who was the counselor for a 14- year-old born with fetal alcohol syndrome, who’d had their breasts cut off. I had built an online, trans encyclopedia of gender clinic horrors and I was pissing off a lot of trans people. As a result, they wanted the wiki website taken down. The abuse was so bad I had to block Jenn Burleton of the Transactive Gender Center on Facebook because of repeated requests to remove news articles about them from the site.
“Is there anybody out there,” asked Dr. Nick Gorton, a physician and trans-man from California, addressing a room full of older transsexuals, “who would not have taken the shot if it had been offered?” No one raised a hand.”
Once you start deconstructing and untangling the web that is transgenderism you’d be amazed at how many of the participants involved in the sterilization of other people’s transgender children are trans themselves and can be traced back to the gender clinics. They’ve made it their professions. Shockingly, however, many trans advocates have their own biological children but then go out each day to advocate for the sterilization of other people’s kids. Being trans themselves is often their only qualification. If that’s the case, then that’s my qualification too.
By the time I had surpassed and cataloged over 4,000 trans people on the website, plenty of members of the trans community were openly attacking me through email and social media. I woke up Christmas morning in 2016 to find a nasty email in my inbox from a young trans man that was demanding to be removed from the site. He was in the category of “previously a lesbian.” In my opinion, he’s still a lesbian. He’s just a lesbian without breasts now. I blocked his email address. Then I blocked every email address that contacted me about article removal. But they only found other avenues to harass me. But I didn’t budge and refused to make any changes to the wiki site or to remove anyone’s news articles.
The data on the website captures our failed history of trying to be something we are not. My site is our electronic history, our trans legacy, of this horrible period where genital lobotomies are being performed by complete quacks to stop discrimination for being a gender variant.
The whole episode just got nastier and nastier. Eventually, I shut down my Facebook account because I was getting all sorts of harassment about the website through the messenger feature. I blocked email address, but some senders just kept creating new accounts and emailing me from those also, still demanding to be removed from the site. On Twitter, the wiki site was claimed to be a registry of trans people for the TERFs.
People had others they thought I was friends with asking me to get them removed. I unfriended and blocked anyone who did that. I lost a lot of friends. But I refused to delete anyone or to hide anything. I wanted people to see the human carnage, the price for what’s getting passed off as medicine.
Eventually, the harassment reached a crescendo where it was so annoying that I created a page on the Wiki site called “Hate Mail” and started posting screenshots of the bullying I was getting from Twitter and Facebook. Which turned out to be a colossal mistake because trans activist Lola Phoenix filed a Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) complaint against one of the screenshot images that exposed her harassing me on the internal Twitter message system.
Lola or whatever her real name is was doing some coalition building and trying to recruit trans people to harass me, but one of my former friends who I’d paid for to take a trip to a women’s conference in Washington, D.C. sent me a screenshot of the private message capturing Phoenix doing it. That complaint to my web host subsequently got the wiki site suspended for 14 days due to Federal law even though it most likely wasn’t even invalid due to missing information such as a contact address for the person who had filed it, which was Lola Phoenix according to the email I received from GoDaddy.
I, in turn, filed a counter-complaint, claiming ownership of the image, but that didn’t stop the website suspension. The counter-complaint required Phoenix to get a court order stating she actually owned the information in the screenshot within the suspension period. That, of course, didn’t happen.
During the website suspension period, I just went ahead and nuked the entire wiki website. I knew trans activists could potentially file more DMCA complaints against it, so I figured the best strategy was to remove all images and everything quoted from the news articles and to rebuild it with just links and the data categories. That’s what I’ve been doing ever since at the new location on Wordpress. You can’t file a DMCA complaint against a link to the dirt, can you?
So there you have it. All the never before told and juicy parts of my story that the mainstream media refused to report because they were too scared to piss off transgender activists and the others in the transgender community.
So, yes, it’s all true. I am officially against sterilizing trans children for the sake of giving them better cosmetic outcomes and to stop discrimination. Instead, I say work to eliminate the discrimination instead. If you doctors are pillars of the communities you live in, then why can’t you use that clout instead of your scalpels to stop the discrimination against these trans kids? Don’t operate on the kid to prevent it. I know it pays well, but just don’t do it. If you don’t, they’re going to write really awful stuff bout you in a few years. I’m already writing it.
The gender binary is what these kids needed destroyed, not their reproductive systems. They need the ability to safely express their gender variances, not cross-sex hormones. They think the world that’s been created for them sucks and that’s why they’re rejecting their birth sexes. Because they can’t dress like boys or girls unless they’re made into boys and girls. They can’t be gay, so they’re being surgically made straight instead. Parents need to keep them away from trans women at LGBT community centers that are teaching them that their penis is a birth defect and coaching them to say they were born in the wrong body to explain themselves. They need to stop being bullied when they’re gay or lesbian, so they don’t have to become men instead. They need to be taught that cutting on themselves won’t get them puberty blocker and will instead land them in the psych ward. They need parents and gender clinicians to stop telling them that they are boys and girls of the opposite sex and to start saying to them instead that their gender variance is normal.
Take note that as intersex activists are trying to stop surgeries for disorders of sexual development (DSD) on intersex people that are being done to “normalize” them into the male and female sexes, trans activists are trying to ramp up the surgeries to “normalize” trans people into either male or female. Both ideologies can’t be correct, but the media champions both approaches.
Leelah Alcorn asked for everyone to fix society before walking in front of a semi-truck. Cutting off penises and breasts isn’t fixing society. It’s not even medicine. It’s a little shop of horrors that’s running out the dark wings of America’s medical centers and the insurance companies have been hoodwinked into paying for it by a bunch of mentally ill people who have cut their penises or breasts off. It has to stop. I’ve done my part to stop it. Now the rest of you need to get busy.
So it’s all official now. Rubber-stamped. Delivered by fiber optics or cellular data. Stored forever on Internet servers. This is the shocking confession that will get me labeled as transphobic, or a TERF and a SWERF. But despite that, I stand with the radical feminists, the conservatives, and the religious folks in their efforts to stop what we see as the mutilation of these gender non-conforming children.